Tuesday, 16 April 2013
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Sunday, 7 April 2013
My Stupid Mouth
My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change
Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said, "Think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one soon
We bit our lips
She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess with the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly
An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good, what just slipped out and what went wrong
Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said, "Think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
Just wanna be liked
Just wanna be funny
Looks like the joke's on me
So call me "Captain Backfire"
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me
Oh, I'm never speaking up again
I'm never speaking up again
I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
Starting now
- My Stupid Mouth, John Mayer, Room for Squares
OK, perhaps the song doesn't fully share my sentiments. But right now I'm at a loss since I shared it. I have no clue what's going on now. =)))) Hahaha. Me and my big mouth. Oh well, we'll see what happens now, whatever that maybe. :)
PS: To the lovely ladies of Lipa, hello hello and thank you for reading my blog :P :)))
Saturday, 6 April 2013
...
In my life
She has burst like the music of angels
The light of the sun
And my life seems to stop
As if something is over
And something has scarcely begun.
She has burst like the music of angels
The light of the sun
And my life seems to stop
As if something is over
And something has scarcely begun.
Continuation of Conundrums (Dedicated to Miss JMLM)
April 6, 10 PM. As I write this blog entry (which I haven't been able to update until now haha), I'm caught up with a myriad of emotions over a variety of events and happenings (Listening to The Script doesn't help honestly haha). Thesis is bringing me anxiety, both good and bad, as I'm finally reaching the culmination of my undergraduate years, yet I'm also worried about the off chance of somehow failing to complete my last requirements and being forced to graduate at the end of the summer, instead of the end of the semester.
Graduation on its own has its share of emotions, as the thought of attaining my bachelor's degree gives me such a sense of fulfillment. A sense of fulfillment that I have never experienced, considering how much blood, sweat and tears (literally, if I may add) has been put into these past four years at UP and in Biology in particular. It's also melancholic, since I'll be leaving my second home, the University of the Philippines Manila. A home that I have grown to love oh so deeply, and a home that has truly defined who I am, what I can be, and will be in the future once I step out of those gates with the Sablay slung around my shoulders. In particular, I'll miss my second family. My block mates, the Department of Biology, my org mates, and all the friends that I have gained (and lost) throughout this roller coaster of four years. I'll truly miss you, and suffice to say I'll miss you more than anything else in this world (excluding family and close Pampanga friends). If blood is thicker than water, what more blood, sweat and tears, right? :)
One other thing that's been on my mind is the concept of "what comes next after UP?". Failing to pass UP Med has meant that I'd be unable to fund my education for med school without the aid of scholarships. As a non-voter (fucking dual citizenship red tape), I'd fail to qualify for Category I in PLM's College of Medicine, which means I'd have to pay 60k per semester, which is too steep for me. UERM's scholarships would only be around 50% (around 60k per sem as well) and that would be pushing it already since I'm not Latin honors. ASMPH was my last option, but as I haven't been updated by Mr. Chris Peabody after the supposed deadline, I'm assuming that that opportunity has gone and passed me by.
This all means one thing, I'm not going to med school for another year. This thought really tears me up. Let's start with the positives. I'll be able to save up money in the future to proceed to a med school without the need for scholarships, which shall be useful since the guarantee of a scholarship isn't always 100%. Plus maintaining a scholarship is rather difficult and extremely pressuring, which may distract me from my potential growth as a person and as a medical student. Another good thing about it is that I'll be able to alleviate the pressure of my mother since I'll be supporting myself now, paying for my own bills, buying my own food and renting out my own place. Thus, my mother can save up money for her own expenses (particularly her myoma operation) and perhaps even start supporting my grandfather with his expenses as well. The last positive is that being independent and on my own should instill a greater sense of maturity in me as a person, preparing me for the long trek of med school or perhaps (touch wood) showing me that med school isn't the only path after all (I'm still in a crossroads at this point).
Now for the cons of delaying med school. For starters, the problem is in itself. I'm delaying med school. I'm putting my dream on the side to be able to make money. I'm stalling. I'm segueing. I'm not pursuing my dreams directly. I'm the kind of person who goes for what I want when I really want it, and medicine in a top school is really what I aspire for in life, so the fact that I can't go there and I can't do anything immediate to do something about it makes me feel so extremely helpless. And helplessness just eats me up. I hate just leaving things up to destiny, or for some people, "God". I honestly want to go out and do something about it. Working is my solution, but it'll take a year or so to make up for it. So I feel like I'm in a rut. Another factor for me is that my age and family might eventually prevent me from ever pursuing medicine in the future. I'm turning 21 in a few days, I'm still young but this won't last forever. What if I save up for two years to go to medicine? Mum will be getting old as well by then, and eventually time will catch up with the both of us. I might have to resort to supporting the family full time as the soon to be breadwinner, and this might lead me to halt any plans of pursuing medicine. :(
Honestly, the pros outweigh the cons by a mile, and any rational person can see that (even I see it). But emotions aren't rational. Reason doesn't cure the hurt immediately. Reprimanding a person to move his arse won't either (contrary to what my lovely thesis partner thinks). In that sense, the thought of not pursuing my dreams directly, despite the overwhelming evidence for its benefits, really devastates me. It tears me up to see my friends going on to med schools, while I stay here, making no progress in the five more years of med school that I still need to finish before I can put those two proud letters near my name. It tears me up that I'm putting my dreams on a shelf, forcing to go to a job that I don't really want (teaching English? I'm not even an English major OR a teacher) just to get some financial security. And it tears me up that I'm going back to Pampanga, which is my first home, but not where I truly grew up in as a person and as a soon to be adult (as opposed to these 4 years of painful, yet beautiful bliss).
And because of that last factor, there's now a new variable that eats me up inside. And it's because of this variable, this person, that I write this excruciatingly long blog entry. I'll refer to her by a code name, JMLM, or J, for short. This last factor, JMLM, has been the most prominent and recurring thought on my mind for the past few weeks. And J has been the most vivid thought and memory of the ruminations that I've been doing all day today. She hasn't escaped my thoughts for a single moment, hell ask Francis Brugger, she was all I could talk about when I met up with him today.
Let's start things from the top. I met J when she was an incoming freshie in 2010. I was a block coordinator, so I facilitated and assisted their first hectic enrollment into UP. She stood out for me more than anyone I saw during the whole enrollment period. Perhaps it was her English (it's such a turn on for me when someone speaks excellent English). Perhaps it was her beauty (Beautiful. Gorgeous. Pretty. Stunning. She's so my type, particularly then with her long flowing hair, her cute eyes, her amazing smile and her fair complexion). Or perhaps it was her charisma (she came from a prominent private high school and she exudes it when you see her). I dunno what it was, a certain je ne sais quoi about her that really took my fancy. Eventually I saw her on Facebook and added her up. I tried chatting her up a bit and stuff, but since past Will was a completely immature idiot who couldn't hold his tongue, I rubbed off badly and honestly I felt like I put her off (despite my amazingly good looks HAHAHA jk). Nevertheless, I remained cordial, and tried to be friendly, saying hi when I saw her throughout the university. She has always left her mark though, and despite going through relationships and other "flings" in UP she's always stood out for me.
Eventually, a few weeks prior to the end of my last semester in UP (March 23), I saw her online. As a friendly gesture, and perhaps since I was sabaw and needed someone to talk to, I decided to message her. What started as small talk eventually became the most fulfilling conversation with a girl in my entire life. I got to know her personally, and I found out we had so many things in common. Video games, movies, comics, TV shows, perspectives in life, and everything else I could ever want in a girl. Not to mention the most important thing I ever look for in a girl, someone who's so easy to talk to about anything under the sun. To quote the song, and we talked about, "where have you been all my l-a-ah-ah-ah-ife?". This conversation went on til around 3 in the morning, and it wasn't the last time that happened.
Eventually, J and I had lunch, and though it was brief, it was one of the best lunches I've had (food was ok, but my company was lovely, in all ways). Since then, she's all I could think about (even with academics going on left, right and center). Her company is calming, I forget everything and everyone when I'm with her. Her presence is like a drug that calms me down when she's with me, and makes me withdrawn when she's gone. Her smile puts the moon and sun to shame. Her eyes make my heart rush AND melt at the same time, as if that was even possible. I feel like I've felt the sun for the first time when I'm with her. Thoughts of her bring a smile to my face. It's been years since I've met someone whose made me feel this way. :)
We hanged out again yesterday (I'd call it a date by my definition but whatever xD) and we just did the craziest stuff, including a tour around the FMAB, mocking the anatomically incorrect education guides (oh the weird amusements of a health/science major) and laughing at our mediocre Filipino skills by translating (and failing most of the time) basic English words into Filipino. I even took her to her party, and it's funny that my friend Jo is now teasing me about her hahaha. (labo mo Jo, nakwento pa kasi si Io eh xD). It was an amazing day for me, and I hope she had at least half the fun I had. :)
Which brings me to my last dilemma of my ruminations. I'm graduating now. I'm leaving UP. Right when I'm about to leave I finally "meet" the most amazing girl ever. Someone who has the whole package for me. Smarts, looks, friendliness, an open mind, things in commons, the works. Bakit ngayoooon ka lang, dumatiiiing sa buhay koooo? Never in my life have I wanted to get to know and be with someone more than this. I've had my fair share of regrets over lost opportunities and I've made wrong decisions over things which have haunted me for years after choosing the wrong path. I will do everything I can to ensure that this will not happen again, and I feel most strongly about it in this sense (the J sense) than any other opportunity that has happened to me in the past. So I do want to give this a shot.
She's a kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry; Still, you don't regret a single day.- Girl, The Beatles, Rubber Soul
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time. - For the First Time, The Script, Science and Faith
I want to date some more beyond the end of my school life. I want to take her to other places like Nat Museum or Ayala Museum (J loves art, and it's part of her list). I don't want a potentially awesome opportunity to slip me (or us) by. I want something to happen, and I want it to work, and though it may sound illogical and impractical considering that I'm graduating, I'm willing to do anything just to do my part to make it work. J is that special, that I'd travel back from Pampanga to Manila or Batangas regularly (as often as it takes) just to see her if I must. I'll even keep my slot in the dorm just so that I'd have a place to crash when I come over (once I start making money that is haha).
At times I worry that I might look like I'm overdoing it or that perhaps I'm getting over my head (perhaps she thinks that, I dunno), considering how quick things have been, but she really is that special, and I wouldn't want to let her get away without me putting up a fight. It bothers me that I have such a short time to get to know her even better. I have no school left whatsoever for at least another year, and thus I won't have the regularity or the proximity that would be advantageous for this situation. But if someone is truly worth it, a person should be willing to go the extra mile, or two miles (or one hundred kilometers in my case) just for that person.
Cause I will take it on the chin, for you. So lay your cuts and bruises over my skin.I promise you won't feel a thing. Cause everything the world could throw. I'll stand in front. I'll take the blow for you. For you.
- You Won't Feel a Thing, The Script, Science and Faith
But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.
- I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles), The Proclaimers, Sunshine on Leith
Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you, tonight.
- A Thousand Miles, Vanessa Carlton, Be Not Nobody
I know it'll be hassle for me, and even for her if it ever pushes through. But J is worth it, she truly is, absolutely worth it. And if something's worth it, you should give it a shot, yes? Though long distance is difficult, and this is coming from experience, I'll do everything I can to ensure it can work out. It's a hard path, but smooth seas don't make strong soldiers, and for me, and hopefully for her, it'll pay off in the end. :) And I hope to prove myself so that in the end even she will say "it was worth it". :)
Two roads diverged in a wood, I took the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference. - Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken.
I'm willing to take the road less travelled by. The longer route (I'm more than willing to take things slow if it seems too fast. I'm in no rush, though it does seem like that is the case at times, and I do apologize for that. Commitment can wait, we're young after all, all I'm hoping for at the moment is consent for courtship or something, or at least more chances to date so that we can get to know each other even more. And who knows, I might be back in Manila in a year, we might end up going to med at the same time) and the harder route (mainly for me, the long distance, but it's all good as long as it's for her). But in the end I think it'll be for the better, and here's hoping, the best route. :)
I hope somehow, somewhere, she feels the same, even just a little bit. :)
Which leaves me to one question: Will you give me a chance, J? :)
PS: I've finished my last pack of Marlboro's tonight. I have no intention of buying packs again. Just for her. :)
Graduation on its own has its share of emotions, as the thought of attaining my bachelor's degree gives me such a sense of fulfillment. A sense of fulfillment that I have never experienced, considering how much blood, sweat and tears (literally, if I may add) has been put into these past four years at UP and in Biology in particular. It's also melancholic, since I'll be leaving my second home, the University of the Philippines Manila. A home that I have grown to love oh so deeply, and a home that has truly defined who I am, what I can be, and will be in the future once I step out of those gates with the Sablay slung around my shoulders. In particular, I'll miss my second family. My block mates, the Department of Biology, my org mates, and all the friends that I have gained (and lost) throughout this roller coaster of four years. I'll truly miss you, and suffice to say I'll miss you more than anything else in this world (excluding family and close Pampanga friends). If blood is thicker than water, what more blood, sweat and tears, right? :)
One other thing that's been on my mind is the concept of "what comes next after UP?". Failing to pass UP Med has meant that I'd be unable to fund my education for med school without the aid of scholarships. As a non-voter (fucking dual citizenship red tape), I'd fail to qualify for Category I in PLM's College of Medicine, which means I'd have to pay 60k per semester, which is too steep for me. UERM's scholarships would only be around 50% (around 60k per sem as well) and that would be pushing it already since I'm not Latin honors. ASMPH was my last option, but as I haven't been updated by Mr. Chris Peabody after the supposed deadline, I'm assuming that that opportunity has gone and passed me by.
This all means one thing, I'm not going to med school for another year. This thought really tears me up. Let's start with the positives. I'll be able to save up money in the future to proceed to a med school without the need for scholarships, which shall be useful since the guarantee of a scholarship isn't always 100%. Plus maintaining a scholarship is rather difficult and extremely pressuring, which may distract me from my potential growth as a person and as a medical student. Another good thing about it is that I'll be able to alleviate the pressure of my mother since I'll be supporting myself now, paying for my own bills, buying my own food and renting out my own place. Thus, my mother can save up money for her own expenses (particularly her myoma operation) and perhaps even start supporting my grandfather with his expenses as well. The last positive is that being independent and on my own should instill a greater sense of maturity in me as a person, preparing me for the long trek of med school or perhaps (touch wood) showing me that med school isn't the only path after all (I'm still in a crossroads at this point).
Now for the cons of delaying med school. For starters, the problem is in itself. I'm delaying med school. I'm putting my dream on the side to be able to make money. I'm stalling. I'm segueing. I'm not pursuing my dreams directly. I'm the kind of person who goes for what I want when I really want it, and medicine in a top school is really what I aspire for in life, so the fact that I can't go there and I can't do anything immediate to do something about it makes me feel so extremely helpless. And helplessness just eats me up. I hate just leaving things up to destiny, or for some people, "God". I honestly want to go out and do something about it. Working is my solution, but it'll take a year or so to make up for it. So I feel like I'm in a rut. Another factor for me is that my age and family might eventually prevent me from ever pursuing medicine in the future. I'm turning 21 in a few days, I'm still young but this won't last forever. What if I save up for two years to go to medicine? Mum will be getting old as well by then, and eventually time will catch up with the both of us. I might have to resort to supporting the family full time as the soon to be breadwinner, and this might lead me to halt any plans of pursuing medicine. :(
Honestly, the pros outweigh the cons by a mile, and any rational person can see that (even I see it). But emotions aren't rational. Reason doesn't cure the hurt immediately. Reprimanding a person to move his arse won't either (contrary to what my lovely thesis partner thinks). In that sense, the thought of not pursuing my dreams directly, despite the overwhelming evidence for its benefits, really devastates me. It tears me up to see my friends going on to med schools, while I stay here, making no progress in the five more years of med school that I still need to finish before I can put those two proud letters near my name. It tears me up that I'm putting my dreams on a shelf, forcing to go to a job that I don't really want (teaching English? I'm not even an English major OR a teacher) just to get some financial security. And it tears me up that I'm going back to Pampanga, which is my first home, but not where I truly grew up in as a person and as a soon to be adult (as opposed to these 4 years of painful, yet beautiful bliss).
And because of that last factor, there's now a new variable that eats me up inside. And it's because of this variable, this person, that I write this excruciatingly long blog entry. I'll refer to her by a code name, JMLM, or J, for short. This last factor, JMLM, has been the most prominent and recurring thought on my mind for the past few weeks. And J has been the most vivid thought and memory of the ruminations that I've been doing all day today. She hasn't escaped my thoughts for a single moment, hell ask Francis Brugger, she was all I could talk about when I met up with him today.
Let's start things from the top. I met J when she was an incoming freshie in 2010. I was a block coordinator, so I facilitated and assisted their first hectic enrollment into UP. She stood out for me more than anyone I saw during the whole enrollment period. Perhaps it was her English (it's such a turn on for me when someone speaks excellent English). Perhaps it was her beauty (Beautiful. Gorgeous. Pretty. Stunning. She's so my type, particularly then with her long flowing hair, her cute eyes, her amazing smile and her fair complexion). Or perhaps it was her charisma (she came from a prominent private high school and she exudes it when you see her). I dunno what it was, a certain je ne sais quoi about her that really took my fancy. Eventually I saw her on Facebook and added her up. I tried chatting her up a bit and stuff, but since past Will was a completely immature idiot who couldn't hold his tongue, I rubbed off badly and honestly I felt like I put her off (despite my amazingly good looks HAHAHA jk). Nevertheless, I remained cordial, and tried to be friendly, saying hi when I saw her throughout the university. She has always left her mark though, and despite going through relationships and other "flings" in UP she's always stood out for me.
Eventually, a few weeks prior to the end of my last semester in UP (March 23), I saw her online. As a friendly gesture, and perhaps since I was sabaw and needed someone to talk to, I decided to message her. What started as small talk eventually became the most fulfilling conversation with a girl in my entire life. I got to know her personally, and I found out we had so many things in common. Video games, movies, comics, TV shows, perspectives in life, and everything else I could ever want in a girl. Not to mention the most important thing I ever look for in a girl, someone who's so easy to talk to about anything under the sun. To quote the song, and we talked about, "where have you been all my l-a-ah-ah-ah-ife?". This conversation went on til around 3 in the morning, and it wasn't the last time that happened.
Eventually, J and I had lunch, and though it was brief, it was one of the best lunches I've had (food was ok, but my company was lovely, in all ways). Since then, she's all I could think about (even with academics going on left, right and center). Her company is calming, I forget everything and everyone when I'm with her. Her presence is like a drug that calms me down when she's with me, and makes me withdrawn when she's gone. Her smile puts the moon and sun to shame. Her eyes make my heart rush AND melt at the same time, as if that was even possible. I feel like I've felt the sun for the first time when I'm with her. Thoughts of her bring a smile to my face. It's been years since I've met someone whose made me feel this way. :)
We hanged out again yesterday (I'd call it a date by my definition but whatever xD) and we just did the craziest stuff, including a tour around the FMAB, mocking the anatomically incorrect education guides (oh the weird amusements of a health/science major) and laughing at our mediocre Filipino skills by translating (and failing most of the time) basic English words into Filipino. I even took her to her party, and it's funny that my friend Jo is now teasing me about her hahaha. (labo mo Jo, nakwento pa kasi si Io eh xD). It was an amazing day for me, and I hope she had at least half the fun I had. :)
Which brings me to my last dilemma of my ruminations. I'm graduating now. I'm leaving UP. Right when I'm about to leave I finally "meet" the most amazing girl ever. Someone who has the whole package for me. Smarts, looks, friendliness, an open mind, things in commons, the works. Bakit ngayoooon ka lang, dumatiiiing sa buhay koooo? Never in my life have I wanted to get to know and be with someone more than this. I've had my fair share of regrets over lost opportunities and I've made wrong decisions over things which have haunted me for years after choosing the wrong path. I will do everything I can to ensure that this will not happen again, and I feel most strongly about it in this sense (the J sense) than any other opportunity that has happened to me in the past. So I do want to give this a shot.
She's a kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry; Still, you don't regret a single day.- Girl, The Beatles, Rubber Soul
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time. - For the First Time, The Script, Science and Faith
I want to date some more beyond the end of my school life. I want to take her to other places like Nat Museum or Ayala Museum (J loves art, and it's part of her list). I don't want a potentially awesome opportunity to slip me (or us) by. I want something to happen, and I want it to work, and though it may sound illogical and impractical considering that I'm graduating, I'm willing to do anything just to do my part to make it work. J is that special, that I'd travel back from Pampanga to Manila or Batangas regularly (as often as it takes) just to see her if I must. I'll even keep my slot in the dorm just so that I'd have a place to crash when I come over (once I start making money that is haha).
At times I worry that I might look like I'm overdoing it or that perhaps I'm getting over my head (perhaps she thinks that, I dunno), considering how quick things have been, but she really is that special, and I wouldn't want to let her get away without me putting up a fight. It bothers me that I have such a short time to get to know her even better. I have no school left whatsoever for at least another year, and thus I won't have the regularity or the proximity that would be advantageous for this situation. But if someone is truly worth it, a person should be willing to go the extra mile, or two miles (or one hundred kilometers in my case) just for that person.
Cause I will take it on the chin, for you. So lay your cuts and bruises over my skin.I promise you won't feel a thing. Cause everything the world could throw. I'll stand in front. I'll take the blow for you. For you.
- You Won't Feel a Thing, The Script, Science and Faith
But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.
- I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles), The Proclaimers, Sunshine on Leith
Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you, tonight.
- A Thousand Miles, Vanessa Carlton, Be Not Nobody
I know it'll be hassle for me, and even for her if it ever pushes through. But J is worth it, she truly is, absolutely worth it. And if something's worth it, you should give it a shot, yes? Though long distance is difficult, and this is coming from experience, I'll do everything I can to ensure it can work out. It's a hard path, but smooth seas don't make strong soldiers, and for me, and hopefully for her, it'll pay off in the end. :) And I hope to prove myself so that in the end even she will say "it was worth it". :)
Two roads diverged in a wood, I took the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference. - Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken.
I'm willing to take the road less travelled by. The longer route (I'm more than willing to take things slow if it seems too fast. I'm in no rush, though it does seem like that is the case at times, and I do apologize for that. Commitment can wait, we're young after all, all I'm hoping for at the moment is consent for courtship or something, or at least more chances to date so that we can get to know each other even more. And who knows, I might be back in Manila in a year, we might end up going to med at the same time) and the harder route (mainly for me, the long distance, but it's all good as long as it's for her). But in the end I think it'll be for the better, and here's hoping, the best route. :)
I hope somehow, somewhere, she feels the same, even just a little bit. :)
Which leaves me to one question: Will you give me a chance, J? :)
PS: I've finished my last pack of Marlboro's tonight. I have no intention of buying packs again. Just for her. :)
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