Nothing good happens after 2 AM.

May 21, 00:38. I've been tempted to write this specific entry for so long now. Excerpts of it has been stored in my phone for weeks, while other parts have been archived in some blog entries that I can't be arsed to complete The rest of my thoughts in this entry have been ruminating in the back of my head for weeks and weeks. So perhaps you could say that this is a culmination of all the feelings I've been experiencing since the 15th of April 2013. It's been one hell of a emotional roller coaster ride for me in all honesty, not only in terms of my feelings for her but also due to the confounding factors that have been bothering my life as of late. As of now I'm writing this in a Notepad file (while waiting for the 8th episode of GoT to finish downloading), if ever this gets uploaded in the long run, then it means that I've kinda reached my limit and I just want to make sense of everything. 

So where do I begin. Here's the situation since we last truly left off. I wrote a blog entry more or less a month ago, entitled "Continuation of Conundrums". I don't know why I wrote that. It's not usually in my nature to be all mushy and shit. Perhaps I was panicked? Panicked at the thought of letting this amazing girl go. Maybe I thought I had a chance? I mean, can you blame me? Gambler's fallacy, I've had a bad streak, perhaps it would start getting better. Maybe I was just being an assuming little git, I mean, the few dates we had were amazing on my end, perhaps I just assumed you 

enjoyed my company as much as I did yours (looking back you probably didn't, I mean how else would it end up like this). Perhaps I paid attention to too many minor details, like how we both liked Doctor Who and football, among many others. Basically, I thought that writing the blog was the right thing to do. I can't really remember what was going through my mind then now. I think I wrote it as I usually wrote my blog, as a secret diary meant to be shared to no one but my closest confidants. No one was supposed to know, it would have been just mine to read and linger on and laugh about. But then Past Will got caught up in his emotions, and he sent the URL to her, with no foresight of the potential consequences. YOLO perhaps? I know she hates that term. Perhaps it should be PIYOLO. Putang Ina You Only Live Once. And putang ina talaga. After sharing that link, my hits rose up a hundred fold, and it was clear that my secret blog was no longer a secret, at least for some people. My outlet. My diary. Pretty much the hidden, sensitive, vulnerable side of Mr. William Derek Fidel Rozee, being shared to people I barely, or hell, people I really didn't even know. Oh the agony on my part. But I let it slide. I really did. Perhaps she just meant that much to me. Girls are girls, they have to share these things with their friends, family, cliques, support system, or whatever you wanna call it. So it was cool. I'm the laughing stock of a bunch of people I don't even know. But it's all good. You know?

A few days later, the morning prior to Bionight, we decided to talk things through. She made it clear that she wasn't looking for the kind of thing that I was insinuating(seemed liked a bad thing eh haha) in that blog entry. She wasn't looking for anything serious. She wasn't in that point in her life to settle with someone just yet. Furthermore, I'm a fresh graduate, who's either going back to Pampanga or perhaps working somewhere, so it wouldn't work out anyway. I'm a rational guy, honestly I am. I'm the guy who broke up with my ex so I could focus on orgs and academics. It isn't pretty, but it makes sense. And when you have a good argument, I concede, since that's what people should do. Honestly, I saw where she was coming from. So we agreed to be just friends. Somehow I got pushed into the friendzone, but whatever. Perhaps a small part of me still had that glimmer of hope that somehow it would work out some time? Maybe, I dunno. Anyway, honestly I was hurt, but I was more than happy to stay as friends, as long as I had her in my life somehow. Let me just put it like this, this girl is AMAZING. I was happy and grateful in knowing that someone that amazing could even exist. If miracles were true, she was the embodiment, cause I swear she has it all. And anyway, I would have been perfectly happy just being friends with her. Honestly, just knowing her is an honor for me. Creepy I know, but that's how much I hold her in esteem. (If you read this you better be flattered :P) 

Days went by, we didn't talk much, it's understood, it's summer break, she's in Batangas and she's caught up with friends, video games, whatever, especially since she doesn't really text much. Then the day came. April 15, 2013. My birthday. Quite frankly, I never really cared much for my birthday. The day was just supposed to be an uneventful day. Just sorting out my paperwork for grad school or work, and perhaps drinking with friends right after. Eventually I ended up at Beach House in La Salle with Boli, Lolay, and some professors. It was fun, we had donuts, we had booze, the stories were fun, it was turning out to be an ok day after all. At 19:43, and honestly after quite a few pitchers, I get a text message like this. 

"Happy birthday pogiiiii. Haha joke lang. - jmlm <3 <3 <3 "if you're happy and you know clap you're hands!" "happy birtday to you are the one who makes me happy birthday to you are the one who makes me happy birthday to you...""

How the hell was I supposed to interpret that? This was drunk Will reading mind you, and he was all giddy and shit particularly since he was feeling the GV vibes from his birthday. The conversation was odd, I won't go deep into it here, but it reached a point when she was asking me to go there. Being the silly hopeless drunk romantic that I am, I left my friends and my birthday celebration, and went straight to her condo. 

She opened the door and gave me a look that pretty much said "what the fuck are you doing here at this time of night?". Well, perhaps it was just drunk Will thinking that. I dunno. Basically though she wasn't expecting me there. I sensed some foul play involved. I asked her directly, "Have you been using your phone for the past hour or so?" and she said no. Boom. My world shattered right there and then. I felt like I was flushing in the face out of sheer shame and embarrassment. I felt like such a total fool. That was the most embarrassing moment in my entire life bar none. That, coupled with the alcohol, probably made me mad as well. I mean who the hell wants to be trolled? Made a total fool? About something like that? On their birthday? I mean for God's sake, I was in the process of moving on. Then some friends just decided to mess me up and keep me wishing for something. I left my dearest college friends and my birthday celebration for nothing but false hopes and utter humiliation. I told her straight (and honestly bluntly) that someone's been messing with me and it was an awful time to do that, since I was drunk and it just isn't the right day to prank someone that bad. I left what I brought her and just went home, finishing my fresh pack of Luckies as I walked all the way back to my apartment. Looking back, I feel sorry about my bluntness and anger then. But honestly, can you blame me?

We didn't talk for a couple of days. Eventually I couldn't take it and I asked her through SMS if we could talk. We texted and it seemed like we were in good terms. I guess it seemed like we could be friends again after that. Days passed. I tried communicating a few times. One time she did reply and eventually that trailed off into nothing once again. I kept myself occupied by trying to look for jobs in Manila. I saw her a few times around campus when I needed to sort out paperwork, but I dunno if it was me just being paranoid or if my hunch is true, but I couldn't help but feel that she was trying to get me off her back. I know she doesn't text often, I've noticed that, but sometimes I can't help but get the feeling that she wants nothing to do with me now. I'm just a friend, I understand that. I have no right place to demand for attention or a place in your life.  But I dunno, friends should talk somehow, shouldn't they? Sometimes I think it's just one way. Perhaps I'm just ephemeral, someone who's just supposed to be there for a short time and then poof, vanish. I know you prefer personal contact over texting or Facebook but I can't just show up at your condo and say hi, can I? It just doesn't make sense to me. You used to be so warm, and now you're just so....cold. Did I do anything wrong? Was it something I said? Perhaps it's my twitter account and all the drama shit, though honestly I just rant about love life for a laugh. Or perhaps you just treat all your friends this way. Or perhaps you just don't want me around. If you don't, I understand. Just please, please tell me straight. I just want to know your side. 

As for love life. Haha. She set the bar too high for me, honestly. Right now I'm not even looking anymore. I don't really need it in this point of my life. I have bigger shit to worry about. For starters I need to find a job. Manila. Pampanga. Wherever. I need to start saving up for med school since I don't want to put this off any longer. Perhaps work will keep me occupied somehow. Cause honestly, just being stuck here with my thoughts, my fags and my booze is driving me crazy. 

At times I believe this is just bad karma for the girls that I hurt in the past. If ever it is, I now know how it feels and God I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I hate the anguish I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks. It’s unbearable. I broke down at Kyle’s grad party because honestly it’s just been too heavy to carry this cross. Perhaps somehow, things will get better. As for everyone I hurt in the past, no words can describe how sorry I am, and I’ll never hurt anyone ever again. FML.

Fuck it, it's 3:15. This is going on my blog. Night.

Continuation of Conundrums (Dedicated to Miss JMLM)

April 6, 10 PM. As I write this blog entry (which I haven't been able to update until now haha), I'm caught up with a myriad of emotions over a variety of events and happenings (Listening to The Script doesn't help honestly haha). Thesis is bringing me anxiety, both good and bad, as I'm finally reaching the culmination of my undergraduate years, yet I'm also worried about the off chance of somehow failing to complete my last requirements and being forced to graduate at the end of the summer, instead of the end of the semester.

Graduation on its own has its share of emotions, as the thought of attaining my bachelor's degree gives me such a sense of fulfillment. A sense of fulfillment that I have never experienced, considering how much blood, sweat and tears (literally, if I may add) has been put into these past four years at UP and in Biology in particular. It's also melancholic, since I'll be leaving my second home, the University of the Philippines Manila. A home that I have grown to love oh so deeply, and a home that has truly defined who I am, what I can be, and will be in the future once I step out of those gates with the Sablay slung around my shoulders. In particular, I'll miss my second family. My block mates, the Department of Biology, my org mates, and all the friends that I have gained (and lost) throughout this roller coaster of four years. I'll truly miss you, and suffice to say I'll miss you more than anything else in this world (excluding family and close Pampanga friends). If blood is thicker than water, what more blood, sweat and tears, right? :)

One other thing that's been on my mind is the concept of "what comes next after UP?". Failing to pass UP Med has meant that I'd be unable to fund my education for med school without the aid of scholarships. As a non-voter (fucking dual citizenship red tape), I'd fail to qualify for Category I in PLM's College of Medicine, which means I'd have to pay 60k per semester, which is too steep for me. UERM's scholarships would only be around 50% (around 60k per sem as well) and that would be pushing it already since I'm not Latin honors. ASMPH was my last option, but as I haven't been updated by Mr. Chris Peabody after the supposed deadline, I'm assuming that that opportunity has gone and passed me by.

This all means one thing, I'm not going to med school for another year. This thought really tears me up. Let's start with the positives. I'll be able to save up money in the future to proceed to a med school without the need for scholarships, which shall be useful since the guarantee of a scholarship isn't always 100%. Plus maintaining a scholarship is rather difficult and extremely pressuring, which may distract me from my potential growth as a person and as a medical student. Another good thing about it is that I'll be able to alleviate the pressure of my mother since I'll be supporting myself now, paying for my own bills, buying my own food and renting out my own place. Thus, my mother can save up money for her own expenses (particularly her myoma operation) and perhaps even start supporting my grandfather with his expenses as well. The last positive is that being independent and on my own should instill a greater sense of maturity in me as a person, preparing me for the long trek of med school or perhaps (touch wood) showing me that med school isn't the only path after all (I'm still in a crossroads at this point).

Now for the cons of delaying med school. For starters, the problem is in itself. I'm delaying med school. I'm putting my dream on the side to be able to make money. I'm stalling. I'm segueing. I'm not pursuing my dreams directly. I'm the kind of person who goes for what I want when I really want it, and medicine in a top school is really what I aspire for in life, so the fact that I can't go there and I can't do anything immediate to do something about it makes me feel so extremely helpless. And helplessness just eats me up. I hate just leaving things up to destiny, or for some people, "God". I honestly want to go out and do something about it. Working is my solution, but it'll take a year or so to make up for it. So I feel like I'm in a rut. Another factor for me is that my age and family might eventually prevent me from ever pursuing medicine in the future. I'm turning 21 in a few days, I'm still young but this won't last forever. What if I save up for two years to go to medicine? Mum will be getting old as well by then, and eventually time will catch up with the both of us. I might have to resort to supporting the family full time as the soon to be breadwinner, and this might lead me to halt any plans of pursuing medicine. :(

Honestly, the pros outweigh the cons by a mile, and any rational person can see that (even I see it). But emotions aren't rational. Reason doesn't cure the hurt immediately. Reprimanding a person to move his arse won't either (contrary to what my lovely thesis partner thinks). In that sense, the thought of not pursuing my dreams directly, despite the overwhelming evidence for its benefits, really devastates me. It tears me up to see my friends going on to med schools, while I stay here, making no progress in the five more years of med school that I still need to finish before I can put those two proud letters near my name. It tears me up that I'm putting my dreams on a shelf, forcing to go to a job that I don't really want (teaching English? I'm not even an English major OR a teacher) just to get some financial security. And it tears me up that I'm going back to Pampanga, which is my first home, but not where I truly grew up in as a person and as a soon to be adult (as opposed to these 4 years of painful, yet beautiful bliss).

And because of that last factor, there's now a new variable that eats me up inside. And it's because of this variable, this person, that I write this excruciatingly long blog entry. I'll refer to her by a code name, JMLM, or J, for short. This last factor, JMLM, has been the most prominent and recurring thought on my mind for the past few weeks. And J has been the most vivid thought and memory of the ruminations that I've been doing all day today. She hasn't escaped my thoughts for a single moment, hell ask Francis Brugger, she was all I could talk about when I met up with him today.

Let's start things from the top. I met J when she was an incoming freshie in 2010. I was a block coordinator, so I facilitated and assisted their first hectic enrollment into UP. She stood out for me more than anyone I saw during the whole enrollment period. Perhaps it was her English (it's such a turn on for me when someone speaks excellent English). Perhaps it was her beauty (Beautiful. Gorgeous. Pretty. Stunning. She's so my type, particularly then with her long flowing hair, her cute eyes, her amazing smile and her fair complexion). Or perhaps it was her charisma (she came from a prominent private high school and she exudes it when you see her). I dunno what it was, a certain je ne sais quoi about her that really took my fancy. Eventually I saw her on Facebook and added her up. I tried chatting her up a bit and stuff, but since past Will was a completely immature idiot who couldn't hold his tongue, I rubbed off badly and honestly I felt like I put her off (despite my amazingly good looks HAHAHA jk). Nevertheless, I remained cordial, and tried to be friendly, saying hi when I saw her throughout the university. She has always left her mark though, and despite going through relationships and other "flings" in UP she's always stood out for me.

Eventually, a few weeks prior to the end of my last semester in UP (March 23), I saw her online. As a friendly gesture, and perhaps since I was sabaw and needed someone to talk to, I decided to message her. What started as small talk eventually became the most fulfilling conversation with a girl in my entire life. I got to know her personally, and I found out we had so many things in common. Video games, movies, comics, TV shows, perspectives in life, and everything else I could ever want in a girl. Not to mention the most important thing I ever look for in a girl, someone who's so easy to talk to about anything under the sun. To quote the song, and we talked about, "where have you been all my l-a-ah-ah-ah-ife?". This conversation went on til around 3 in the morning, and it wasn't the last time that happened.

Eventually, J and I had lunch, and though it was brief, it was one of the best lunches I've had (food was ok, but my company was lovely, in all ways). Since then, she's all I could think about (even with academics going on left, right and center). Her company is calming, I forget everything and everyone when I'm with her. Her presence is like a drug that calms me down when she's with me, and makes me withdrawn when she's gone. Her smile puts the moon and sun to shame. Her eyes make my heart rush AND melt at the same time, as if that was even possible. I feel like I've felt the sun for the first time when I'm with her. Thoughts of her bring a smile to my face. It's been years since I've met someone whose made me feel this way. :)

We hanged out again yesterday (I'd call it a date by my definition but whatever xD) and we just did the craziest stuff, including a tour around the FMAB, mocking the anatomically incorrect education guides (oh the weird amusements of a health/science major) and laughing at our mediocre Filipino skills by translating (and failing most of the time) basic English words into Filipino. I even took her to her party, and it's funny that my friend Jo is now teasing me about her hahaha. (labo mo Jo, nakwento pa kasi si Io eh xD). It was an amazing day for me, and I hope she had at least half the fun I had. :)

Which brings me to my last dilemma of my ruminations. I'm graduating now. I'm leaving UP. Right when I'm about to leave I finally "meet" the most amazing girl ever. Someone who has the whole package for me. Smarts, looks, friendliness, an open mind, things in commons, the works. Bakit ngayoooon ka lang, dumatiiiing sa buhay koooo? Never in my life have I wanted to get to know and be with someone more than this. I've had my fair share of regrets over lost opportunities and I've made wrong decisions over things which have haunted me for years after choosing the wrong path. I will do everything I can to ensure that this will not happen again, and I feel most strongly about it in this sense (the J sense) than any other opportunity that has happened to me in the past. So I do want to give this a shot.

She's a kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry; Still, you don't regret a single day.- Girl, The Beatles, Rubber Soul

We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time. - For the First Time, The Script, Science and Faith

I want to date some more beyond the end of my school life. I want to take her to other places like Nat Museum or Ayala Museum (J loves art, and it's part of her list). I don't want a potentially awesome opportunity to slip me (or us) by. I want something to happen, and I want it to work, and though it may sound illogical and impractical considering that I'm graduating, I'm willing to do anything just to do my part to make it work. J is that special, that I'd travel back from Pampanga to Manila or Batangas regularly (as often as it takes) just to see her if I must. I'll even keep my slot in the dorm just so that I'd have a place to crash when I come over (once I start making money that is haha).

At times I worry that I might look like I'm overdoing it or that perhaps I'm getting over my head (perhaps she thinks that, I dunno), considering how quick things have been, but she really is that special, and I wouldn't want to let her get away without me putting up a fight. It bothers me that I have such a short time to get to know her even better. I have no school left whatsoever for at least another year, and thus I won't have the regularity or the proximity that would be advantageous for this situation. But if someone is truly worth it, a person should be willing to go the extra mile, or two miles (or one hundred kilometers in my case) just for that person.

Cause I will take it on the chin, for you. So lay your cuts and bruises over my skin.I promise you won't feel a thing. Cause everything the world could throw. I'll stand in front. I'll take the blow for you. For you.
- You Won't Feel a Thing, The Script, Science and Faith

But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door. 
- I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles), The Proclaimers, Sunshine on Leith

Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you, tonight. 
- A Thousand Miles, Vanessa Carlton, Be Not Nobody

I know it'll be hassle for me, and even for her if it ever pushes through. But J is worth it, she truly is, absolutely worth it. And if something's worth it, you should give it a shot, yes? Though long distance is difficult, and this is coming from experience, I'll do everything I can to ensure it can work out. It's a hard path, but smooth seas don't make strong soldiers, and for me, and hopefully for her, it'll pay off in the end. :) And I hope to prove myself so that in the end even she will say "it was worth it". :)

Two roads diverged in a wood, I took the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference. - Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken.

I'm willing to take the road less travelled by. The longer route (I'm more than willing to take things slow if it seems too fast. I'm in no rush, though it does seem like that is the case at times, and I do apologize for that. Commitment can wait, we're young after all, all I'm hoping for at the moment is consent for courtship or something, or at least more chances to date so that we can get to know each other even more. And who knows, I might be back in Manila in a year, we might end up going to med at the same time) and the harder route (mainly for me, the long distance, but it's all good as long as it's for her). But in the end I think it'll be for the better, and here's hoping, the best route. :)

I hope somehow, somewhere, she feels the same, even just a little bit. :)

Which leaves me to one question: Will you give me a chance, J? :)

PS: I've finished my last pack of Marlboro's tonight. I have no intention of buying packs again. Just for her. :)

And so it begins.....

As of 19:50, on the 17th of January, I've opted to resume a long lost hobby of mine, i.e., writing a blog. It's been years since I wrote a regular blog (around 4 me thinks?) and though I may occasionally update my old blog, it would only be for extreme situations such as lamenting the loss of a dear relative or ranting about the epitome of hell weeks in university. Now, as my academic load gets lighter, and the real problems in life start to get heavier, I felt that it was high time that I proceeded to talk about these things in an outlet that alcohol, marijuana and tobacco fail to help alleviate. Writing. As Lamarckian doctrine states in his use and disuse theory, as a trait is constantly disused it will eventually be lost, and as my writing abilities were quite commendable in high school, I hope not to lose it by the constant mundane writing that college has imbibed in me (curse you science!).

So here's the start of a new beginning. It's quite appropriate I believe, it's more or less the start of a new year, and there are surely many tales to talk about, both new and old, for the next few months and years of my life. It's also near the end of a very crucial chapter of my existence, and once I cross that barrier there shall be even more things to talk about in medical school. It's interesting when you reach turning points in your life, cause it's at these moments when you tend to contemplate and look back on all the things that have gone by. You cry, you laugh, you weep, you cherish, and it's all good. So I hope I can look back on these moments, and hopefully have a smile cross my face at the end of it all. :) In the mean time, my rants, my joys, my tirades, my sentiments and of course, my conundrums, shall be placed here. Please bear with me as I take this journey towards a new beginning in life.

Why arachnoid mater? People who've taken up anatomy should know what it is, and people close in my life should be able to draw the connection. :)