Friday, 28 June 2013
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Convolution
"W: aw fuck it, hahaha, I'm just putting this out in the open but if you were single I'd ask you out :)))"
E: and if I were single I'd say yes haha"
"E: Go ahead, ask me any question about my type.
W: Type mo ba ako? hahahahaha
E: Tbh oo, wahahaha"
I decided to start with these words from a conversation we had recently, just to give you a rough idea of how frustrated I am with my current situation. "It" could be there, but due to the way things are at present, "it" can not be. Hahaha, why am I feeling this way? I have no right to get involved in the current status quo of my colleagues' relationships and dealings with each other. I'm just the greenhorn here, I've barely been here a month, and now I'm acting like such a douchebag. If I was a spectator watching all this I'd be so pissed at myself right now, since I won't deny that I'm being such a total asshole.
But honestly, can you blame me? I won't deny that I fancy this girl. She is special. Granted, I say that about all the girls I meet and like, but you know, I dunno if it's sheer luck or something, but I always do meet such amazing women. And honestly, the number of women I find "special" doesn't detract from how special these women are, cause they really are spectacular. What frustrates me even more is not the fact that I can't be with her, but the fact that the guy that she is with right now doesn't give her the due treatment that a girl of her calibre deserves. You have a girl who is a 15/10 in my book, and you treat her like some common fling, some summer romance that won't lead to anywhere. Do you know how lucky you are to be in that position? This girl is head over heels for you, despite how shitty you've been treating her. I'd kill to be in that kind of position, not particularly to have someone head over heels for me, but to be in a position where I am able to show someone who is that amazing how special and important she means to me.
Alas, that is my plight. An emotional tampon to spectate and advise her on what to do with her current "relationship problems". Honestly though, I'm pretty alright with it. Alright as anyone in that position could ever be. As I said time and time again, I want to be the better and righteous (I use this term loosely) man. And I want her happiness first and foremost. What's the point nga naman if I'm happy but she's not diba? Hahaha.
I'm being silly. I barely know everyone. Why do I always jump on these opportunities whenever I meet someone new? Why must I be so impatient? Why am I so impulsive? I should learn to control my feelings, particularly in this new setting. Everyone is more mature than I am, or if not mature, then at least more familiar with the interpersonal dynamics of the workspace. I really should just sit back, relax, watch how things unfold and learn from it all. If a fair opportunity arises, go for it. But in the mean time I shouldn't be anticipating for anything bad to happen, or even worse encouraging something bad to happen in between them. That's just being a douchebag. If it'll happen, it'll happen. And right now I should just enjoy the ride. I'm extremely lucky that I've gotten pretty close with her in such a short amount of time. And I'm grateful for that. Her company is really enjoyable. I should be content with that, and just see how things go.
Sorry if my writing is so screwed up. I should write in smaller, yet more frequent bursts. Ergh. That way I can get more hits!
E: and if I were single I'd say yes haha"
"E: Go ahead, ask me any question about my type.
W: Type mo ba ako? hahahahaha
E: Tbh oo, wahahaha"
I decided to start with these words from a conversation we had recently, just to give you a rough idea of how frustrated I am with my current situation. "It" could be there, but due to the way things are at present, "it" can not be. Hahaha, why am I feeling this way? I have no right to get involved in the current status quo of my colleagues' relationships and dealings with each other. I'm just the greenhorn here, I've barely been here a month, and now I'm acting like such a douchebag. If I was a spectator watching all this I'd be so pissed at myself right now, since I won't deny that I'm being such a total asshole.
But honestly, can you blame me? I won't deny that I fancy this girl. She is special. Granted, I say that about all the girls I meet and like, but you know, I dunno if it's sheer luck or something, but I always do meet such amazing women. And honestly, the number of women I find "special" doesn't detract from how special these women are, cause they really are spectacular. What frustrates me even more is not the fact that I can't be with her, but the fact that the guy that she is with right now doesn't give her the due treatment that a girl of her calibre deserves. You have a girl who is a 15/10 in my book, and you treat her like some common fling, some summer romance that won't lead to anywhere. Do you know how lucky you are to be in that position? This girl is head over heels for you, despite how shitty you've been treating her. I'd kill to be in that kind of position, not particularly to have someone head over heels for me, but to be in a position where I am able to show someone who is that amazing how special and important she means to me.
Alas, that is my plight. An emotional tampon to spectate and advise her on what to do with her current "relationship problems". Honestly though, I'm pretty alright with it. Alright as anyone in that position could ever be. As I said time and time again, I want to be the better and righteous (I use this term loosely) man. And I want her happiness first and foremost. What's the point nga naman if I'm happy but she's not diba? Hahaha.
I'm being silly. I barely know everyone. Why do I always jump on these opportunities whenever I meet someone new? Why must I be so impatient? Why am I so impulsive? I should learn to control my feelings, particularly in this new setting. Everyone is more mature than I am, or if not mature, then at least more familiar with the interpersonal dynamics of the workspace. I really should just sit back, relax, watch how things unfold and learn from it all. If a fair opportunity arises, go for it. But in the mean time I shouldn't be anticipating for anything bad to happen, or even worse encouraging something bad to happen in between them. That's just being a douchebag. If it'll happen, it'll happen. And right now I should just enjoy the ride. I'm extremely lucky that I've gotten pretty close with her in such a short amount of time. And I'm grateful for that. Her company is really enjoyable. I should be content with that, and just see how things go.
Sorry if my writing is so screwed up. I should write in smaller, yet more frequent bursts. Ergh. That way I can get more hits!
Friday, 14 June 2013
Independence Day
June 12: Today is June 12. Today is supposed to mark the so called "liberation" of the Philippines from Spanish rule by Emilio Aguinaldo way back in 1898 at Kawit, Cavite. This could go on as a diatribe about the current state of the Philippines, or how Emilio Aguinaldo is an arse-kisser who sold out to the Americans. Or this could be about how the Philippines isn't really a fully independent country, being heavily dependent on other countries for economic sustainability and political will power. This isn't the avenue for this kind of discussions though. If you want to hear about that, be my guest and refer yourselves to one of the many "national democracy" advocates that litter my Facebook feeds everyday. Pft.
No, this post will be about my independence day, and all the events leading up to this pivotal moment. Today, my first pay check arrived in my pay roll bank account. This marks the end of my dependence on my mother for sustenance. It's quite an odd feeling, finally supporting myself for a living. It feels odd knowing that I make more money than my mother does per month, and it's quite surreal how I've reached this point in my life, considering how most people I know (who are either my age or younger) are either still studying or just plain unemployed. It feels like it's too soon. I never saw myself joining the "corporate workforce rat race" so soon. I always saw myself studying til at least the age of 25, so the fact that I'm now an employee is still pretty foreign to me. When I was in university the only number I ever had to deal with was my student number, which for obvious reasons I will not post here (mehehe). Now, my life revolves around numerous numbers tied to my name. =))) TIN? SSS? PhilHealth? FML. Let's not talk about these any longer, as the past few weeks have been spent lining up at countless government offices for hours on end just to get a silly little 16 digit number. Oh well.
So how has work been so far? I must say that despite my inhibitions in joining the work force, I've been having the time of my life at work. As I write this I remember the words I said to Garrick during my job interview, talking about how much I adored growing up with Discovery Channel, Nat Geo and Animal Planet on my telly, and how I loved shows like Beakman's World and Bill Nye the Science Guy as they always made the sciences so approachable and plain fun for the general public. Though I did say them to impress rather to express, I won't deny that I really did enjoy growing up with that kind of environment. Now, the tables have turned. I am a Mind Mover at the Mind Museum. I'm supposed to be the one making science interesting for the little kiddos visiting us. It's a lot of pressure on me, and my peers. They've been doing this for more or less a year though, so they're pretty much seasoned by now. Pecier in particular is extremely impressive as a Mind Mover, he has a way with crowds and he's such an interesting character to watch and talk to. As for me, I still need to step up a little. So far all I've been doing is welcoming people and giving my spiel to our beloved guests, while simultaneously researching for our future events. Haven't really been "mind moving" as of late, but I'll be starting science demos next week, so I'm quite excited for that. The people have been so amazing. I've never met people with these kind of smarts. Being in the University of the Philippines has allowed me to meet some of the most intelligent people anyone could ever meet in this country. However, I've never met the kind of smarts that I've met here at TMM. These are people I could talk to about anything under the sun and still learn something fruitful after every conversation. Politics? Check. Sex? Check. Popular science? Obviously a check. Music? Check. Sports? Check. Religion? Check. The diversity is amazing. It never gets old there. The environment is also amazing. The museum is so cozy and kid friendly, which may sound odd but here me out. Because it's such a kid friendly environment, the mood of it all feels so light and cheerful. If I'm working at a science institute doing research in a laboratory for instance, it'll be all technical and glum and danky and dirty. Here it's just so bright, shiny, and squeaky-clean. Granted I mostly do a desk job (it's actually pretty corporate) but to put it in Miss Nina's words, it's a schizophrenic kind of corporate job. I go to work in a t-shirt, jeans and my favourite pair of Vans, no qualms whatsoever. Whenever everyone's free, we play air hockey. I've had wine to drink at work twice in less than a week. It's just so chill. I'm sure it'll get worse eventually, I'm sure work also has its "honeymoon phase", but so far so good. I'm lovin it.
At times I wonder what it would be like if I entered a med school instead. My batchmates seem to have the time of their life right now (except for Luigi, whiny little prick). I see them all dressed up in their white uniforms, and though I have my own white uniform (mehehe my white Mind Mover lab gown), nothing beats the full outfit of a medical student. I'm jealous, I won't deny that. Can you blame me? I prepped my whole life for pursuing a medical career, and now I'm treading a path which puts me slightly off course. A part of me wants to follow in their foot steps in a year, hence why I'm working my ass off right now to fund my education in the future. But one week at the Mind Museum has already changed my perspective on a lot of things. I'm making pretty decent money right now, and I hope to maintain this momentum for at least a couple of years. My batchmates aren't making a cent, slogging it out for 5 more years in the academe before they even start to make a buck. And then what? 12k? 15k a month? I make more than that from a BS degree alone. Instead of mother continuing to fund me, I can now actually support her. But it's not about the money. Being at the Mind Museum, surrounded by young science majors who plan to continue their careers in the sciences (Asia in particular), kind of rubs off on you. Now I see myself pursuing a field that can help foster a climate of better science education for the general public. The Erasmus Mundus MEME scholarship is starting to sound ever more sweeter, and actually having a colleague pursue a similar path really makes it seem more feasible to me. Imagine that, William Derek Rozee, a professor, Master in Evolutionary Biology. It sounds so sweet. I've always admired Richard Dawkins, but now I actually want to follow in his footsteps. Fantastic!
Of course, I haven't completely closed the doors to a medical degree. I'm still bothered by the current public health situation in our country, and if there was any way I could help to make the country a better place I would grab the moment in an instant. But, I'm glad that I now have options. It was such an awful feeling in undergrad when the paradigm was "med or nothing". I was constantly meditating on the many issues that came about with that line of thinking. Did I make a wrong choice by choosing a field that I loved? Were the past four years a waste of time? Did I learn any critical skills that I could use in the real world? Where am I gonna use evolutionary theory when I get a job? Why aren't there any good jobs for BS Biology graduates in our country? Now, things look a little brighter. My job is more than capable of sustaining my current life style, and now I can proceed to plotting my life out ahead. I'm happy that I'm not doing a job only for the sake of making money, since that would make this part of my life pretty directionless. Now I can settle and slowly make head way once I've decided on what I want to do. I'm truly happy that I've fallen into these circumstances. I'd thank God if he were real, but you know he's not hahaha. In a way, I'm happy for everything I've done in college, since it all set me up for this moment in my life. Now, it's a new chapter, and thus, now is the moment to start preparing for the future, whatever that may be. I can now cross the bridge when I get there. Right now, I should just live in the moment. And right now, the moment is just amazing. :)
In the end, I'm happy to be independent. It's done so much for me. I smoke and drink so much less now. I've learned to become responsible with my time and money. I'm no longer Mr. Tardy. I've stopped buying useless shit (though I did splurge a little after my paycheck arrived mehehe). I'm becoming more organized with my life and I've lessened my cramming habits. Work and independence have been good for me. I think work will help me reach my full potential as a person. Screwing up has direct repercussions on both me and the entity that I work for, both short and long term, so I don't do things lightly. I embrace it, since I know my full potential, cause god damn it I'm an awesome person, despite what any of you might think or however you might judge me. :)
As for my love life. Hahaha. I've moved on from J. I'll be honest it was a lot faster than anticipated. I guess the lack of communication for the past month or so helped get her out of my system. It feels great right now. Looking back, she made perfect sense. If we did try to date it'd be for nought since I'm just sooooooo busy with work now. I wish her all the best, since it looks like she's dating someone or something. I'm happy for her. I wish I could still be friends with her, but it seems like she wants nothing to do with me. Ah well. As John Mayer said, Friends lovers or nothing, there can only be one. :)) There is this girl I fancy at work though. E's her name. She's quite a character. She falls under my type criteria. I'd go for her but there are a few things holding me back. First, she's kinda had a thing for this other colleague at work, and I don't want to stir shit up at work since I'm new. Second thing. I'm new. Hahaha. I'd be such a troll to hit on someone I've barely met. Third thing. I've never dated anyone older than me. She's fricking 24. Hahaha. Age doesn't matter but I still need to get used to the whole dynamic. Haha. We'll see how things go. Though right now my life is going pretty sweet so I'm in no rush for anything. S'all good. And as she would say "trudat".
No, this post will be about my independence day, and all the events leading up to this pivotal moment. Today, my first pay check arrived in my pay roll bank account. This marks the end of my dependence on my mother for sustenance. It's quite an odd feeling, finally supporting myself for a living. It feels odd knowing that I make more money than my mother does per month, and it's quite surreal how I've reached this point in my life, considering how most people I know (who are either my age or younger) are either still studying or just plain unemployed. It feels like it's too soon. I never saw myself joining the "corporate workforce rat race" so soon. I always saw myself studying til at least the age of 25, so the fact that I'm now an employee is still pretty foreign to me. When I was in university the only number I ever had to deal with was my student number, which for obvious reasons I will not post here (mehehe). Now, my life revolves around numerous numbers tied to my name. =))) TIN? SSS? PhilHealth? FML. Let's not talk about these any longer, as the past few weeks have been spent lining up at countless government offices for hours on end just to get a silly little 16 digit number. Oh well.
So how has work been so far? I must say that despite my inhibitions in joining the work force, I've been having the time of my life at work. As I write this I remember the words I said to Garrick during my job interview, talking about how much I adored growing up with Discovery Channel, Nat Geo and Animal Planet on my telly, and how I loved shows like Beakman's World and Bill Nye the Science Guy as they always made the sciences so approachable and plain fun for the general public. Though I did say them to impress rather to express, I won't deny that I really did enjoy growing up with that kind of environment. Now, the tables have turned. I am a Mind Mover at the Mind Museum. I'm supposed to be the one making science interesting for the little kiddos visiting us. It's a lot of pressure on me, and my peers. They've been doing this for more or less a year though, so they're pretty much seasoned by now. Pecier in particular is extremely impressive as a Mind Mover, he has a way with crowds and he's such an interesting character to watch and talk to. As for me, I still need to step up a little. So far all I've been doing is welcoming people and giving my spiel to our beloved guests, while simultaneously researching for our future events. Haven't really been "mind moving" as of late, but I'll be starting science demos next week, so I'm quite excited for that. The people have been so amazing. I've never met people with these kind of smarts. Being in the University of the Philippines has allowed me to meet some of the most intelligent people anyone could ever meet in this country. However, I've never met the kind of smarts that I've met here at TMM. These are people I could talk to about anything under the sun and still learn something fruitful after every conversation. Politics? Check. Sex? Check. Popular science? Obviously a check. Music? Check. Sports? Check. Religion? Check. The diversity is amazing. It never gets old there. The environment is also amazing. The museum is so cozy and kid friendly, which may sound odd but here me out. Because it's such a kid friendly environment, the mood of it all feels so light and cheerful. If I'm working at a science institute doing research in a laboratory for instance, it'll be all technical and glum and danky and dirty. Here it's just so bright, shiny, and squeaky-clean. Granted I mostly do a desk job (it's actually pretty corporate) but to put it in Miss Nina's words, it's a schizophrenic kind of corporate job. I go to work in a t-shirt, jeans and my favourite pair of Vans, no qualms whatsoever. Whenever everyone's free, we play air hockey. I've had wine to drink at work twice in less than a week. It's just so chill. I'm sure it'll get worse eventually, I'm sure work also has its "honeymoon phase", but so far so good. I'm lovin it.
At times I wonder what it would be like if I entered a med school instead. My batchmates seem to have the time of their life right now (except for Luigi, whiny little prick). I see them all dressed up in their white uniforms, and though I have my own white uniform (mehehe my white Mind Mover lab gown), nothing beats the full outfit of a medical student. I'm jealous, I won't deny that. Can you blame me? I prepped my whole life for pursuing a medical career, and now I'm treading a path which puts me slightly off course. A part of me wants to follow in their foot steps in a year, hence why I'm working my ass off right now to fund my education in the future. But one week at the Mind Museum has already changed my perspective on a lot of things. I'm making pretty decent money right now, and I hope to maintain this momentum for at least a couple of years. My batchmates aren't making a cent, slogging it out for 5 more years in the academe before they even start to make a buck. And then what? 12k? 15k a month? I make more than that from a BS degree alone. Instead of mother continuing to fund me, I can now actually support her. But it's not about the money. Being at the Mind Museum, surrounded by young science majors who plan to continue their careers in the sciences (Asia in particular), kind of rubs off on you. Now I see myself pursuing a field that can help foster a climate of better science education for the general public. The Erasmus Mundus MEME scholarship is starting to sound ever more sweeter, and actually having a colleague pursue a similar path really makes it seem more feasible to me. Imagine that, William Derek Rozee, a professor, Master in Evolutionary Biology. It sounds so sweet. I've always admired Richard Dawkins, but now I actually want to follow in his footsteps. Fantastic!
Of course, I haven't completely closed the doors to a medical degree. I'm still bothered by the current public health situation in our country, and if there was any way I could help to make the country a better place I would grab the moment in an instant. But, I'm glad that I now have options. It was such an awful feeling in undergrad when the paradigm was "med or nothing". I was constantly meditating on the many issues that came about with that line of thinking. Did I make a wrong choice by choosing a field that I loved? Were the past four years a waste of time? Did I learn any critical skills that I could use in the real world? Where am I gonna use evolutionary theory when I get a job? Why aren't there any good jobs for BS Biology graduates in our country? Now, things look a little brighter. My job is more than capable of sustaining my current life style, and now I can proceed to plotting my life out ahead. I'm happy that I'm not doing a job only for the sake of making money, since that would make this part of my life pretty directionless. Now I can settle and slowly make head way once I've decided on what I want to do. I'm truly happy that I've fallen into these circumstances. I'd thank God if he were real, but you know he's not hahaha. In a way, I'm happy for everything I've done in college, since it all set me up for this moment in my life. Now, it's a new chapter, and thus, now is the moment to start preparing for the future, whatever that may be. I can now cross the bridge when I get there. Right now, I should just live in the moment. And right now, the moment is just amazing. :)
In the end, I'm happy to be independent. It's done so much for me. I smoke and drink so much less now. I've learned to become responsible with my time and money. I'm no longer Mr. Tardy. I've stopped buying useless shit (though I did splurge a little after my paycheck arrived mehehe). I'm becoming more organized with my life and I've lessened my cramming habits. Work and independence have been good for me. I think work will help me reach my full potential as a person. Screwing up has direct repercussions on both me and the entity that I work for, both short and long term, so I don't do things lightly. I embrace it, since I know my full potential, cause god damn it I'm an awesome person, despite what any of you might think or however you might judge me. :)
As for my love life. Hahaha. I've moved on from J. I'll be honest it was a lot faster than anticipated. I guess the lack of communication for the past month or so helped get her out of my system. It feels great right now. Looking back, she made perfect sense. If we did try to date it'd be for nought since I'm just sooooooo busy with work now. I wish her all the best, since it looks like she's dating someone or something. I'm happy for her. I wish I could still be friends with her, but it seems like she wants nothing to do with me. Ah well. As John Mayer said, Friends lovers or nothing, there can only be one. :)) There is this girl I fancy at work though. E's her name. She's quite a character. She falls under my type criteria. I'd go for her but there are a few things holding me back. First, she's kinda had a thing for this other colleague at work, and I don't want to stir shit up at work since I'm new. Second thing. I'm new. Hahaha. I'd be such a troll to hit on someone I've barely met. Third thing. I've never dated anyone older than me. She's fricking 24. Hahaha. Age doesn't matter but I still need to get used to the whole dynamic. Haha. We'll see how things go. Though right now my life is going pretty sweet so I'm in no rush for anything. S'all good. And as she would say "trudat".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)