Convolution

"W: aw fuck it, hahaha, I'm just putting this out in the open but if you were single I'd ask you out :)))"
E: and if I were single I'd say yes haha"

"E: Go ahead, ask me any question about my type.
W: Type mo ba ako? hahahahaha
E: Tbh oo, wahahaha"

I decided to start with these words from a conversation we had recently, just to give you a rough idea of how frustrated I am with my current situation. "It" could be there, but due to the way things are at present, "it" can not be. Hahaha, why am I feeling this way? I have no right to get involved in the current status quo of my colleagues' relationships and dealings with each other. I'm just the greenhorn here, I've barely been here a month, and now I'm acting like such a douchebag. If I was a spectator watching all this I'd be so pissed at myself right now, since I won't deny that I'm being such a total asshole.

But honestly, can you blame me? I won't deny that I fancy this girl. She is special. Granted, I say that about all the girls I meet and like, but you know, I dunno if it's sheer luck or something, but I always do meet such amazing women. And honestly, the number of women I find "special" doesn't detract from how special these women are, cause they really are spectacular. What frustrates me even more is not the fact that I can't be with her, but the fact that the guy that she is with right now doesn't give her the due treatment that a girl of her calibre deserves. You have a girl who is a 15/10 in my book, and you treat her like some common fling, some summer romance that won't lead to anywhere. Do you know how lucky you are to be in that position? This girl is head over heels for you, despite how shitty you've been treating her. I'd kill to be in that kind of position, not particularly to have someone head over heels for me, but to be in a position where I am able to show someone who is that amazing how special and important she means to me.

Alas, that is my plight. An emotional tampon to spectate and advise her on what to do with her current "relationship problems". Honestly though, I'm pretty alright with it. Alright as anyone in that position could ever be. As I said time and time again, I want to be the better and righteous (I use this term loosely) man. And I want her happiness first and foremost. What's the point nga naman if I'm happy but she's not diba? Hahaha.

I'm being silly. I barely know everyone. Why do I always jump on these opportunities whenever I meet someone new? Why must I be so impatient? Why am I so impulsive? I should learn to control my feelings, particularly in this new setting. Everyone is more mature than I am, or if not mature, then at least more familiar with the interpersonal dynamics of the workspace. I really should just sit back, relax, watch how things unfold and learn from it all. If a fair opportunity arises, go for it. But in the mean time I shouldn't be anticipating for anything bad to happen, or even worse encouraging something bad to happen in between them. That's just being a douchebag. If it'll happen, it'll happen. And right now I should just enjoy the ride. I'm extremely lucky that I've gotten pretty close with her in such a short amount of time. And I'm grateful for that. Her company is really enjoyable. I should be content with that, and just see how things go.

Sorry if my writing is so screwed up. I should write in smaller, yet more frequent bursts. Ergh. That way I can get more hits!