Tuesday, 30 July 2013
I feel like if I'm ever going to make any real sense of progress in my life, that I'm going to have to set everything right with everyone. Now if only people were willing to do that. I've done it slowly, but there are still some people that I'm quite hesitant to approach, despite wanting to, out of fear of rejection or humiliation or backlash, for that matter. Hahaha. We'll see what happens. Perhaps I should give it a shot.
Monday, 15 July 2013
A great perhaps
It's rare that I write twice in a night, but I'll keep this brief. While I was at the hospital waiting for mom to recover from her hysterectomy (which included everything else involved in female reproduction apparently, meh whatever) I decided to give Kyle's fav book, Looking for Alaska by John Green, a shot and read it to keep myself from getting bored.
It's rare that books hit me on such an emotional level. I'm the kind of guy who enjoys a book either for the literary quality (how good the story is, or how clever the writer connects all the plot points) or how much it hits me intellectually (usually pertaining to the topic matter of the book, such as when I read a popular science book). I was never one to put myself in the shoes of a book's characters. Thus, when I read Looking for Alaska, I was extremely surprised by how much I could relate to Pudge's characterization, and more so, his situation with Alaska.
Alaska, for those who are wondering, is the name of the primary female protagonist of the book. She's a smart, beautiful, open-minded girl who has an incredibly fascinating insight to life. What's interesting about her is that she's kinda emotionally unstable, as you go along you start to understand why she's become the way she is, and you start to appreciate how "human" or "real" she really is. And honestly, this made her all the more attractive to me as a character. I mean, she's perfect, yet she's also terribly flawed. I mean I wouldn't want to date a perfect girl, she'd just be so out of my league. Hence why I found her so fascinating. Obviously, Pudge is enamored by Alaska, but alas, she is in a relationship with another dude, named Jake.
Despite the relationship with Jake, Alaska still flirts with Pudge, and Pudge eventually falls head over heels for little Miss Alaska Young. You can see the conflict inside Pudge when he deals with these situations. Eventually they end up hooking up, and the circumstances after that (which I can't talk about since it's pivotal to the plot) makes him wonder if Alaska was just playing him or if she really liked him and was just caught up with her current set of circumstances. The emotional angst and confusion in Pudge was just so real, and for me, so relatable. Does Alaska like me? Was she just messing around with me, given how she usually is? Was it me or Jake? What if?
Oh my god if only people knew how much that hits me right now. *sigh*
It's rare that books hit me on such an emotional level. I'm the kind of guy who enjoys a book either for the literary quality (how good the story is, or how clever the writer connects all the plot points) or how much it hits me intellectually (usually pertaining to the topic matter of the book, such as when I read a popular science book). I was never one to put myself in the shoes of a book's characters. Thus, when I read Looking for Alaska, I was extremely surprised by how much I could relate to Pudge's characterization, and more so, his situation with Alaska.
Alaska, for those who are wondering, is the name of the primary female protagonist of the book. She's a smart, beautiful, open-minded girl who has an incredibly fascinating insight to life. What's interesting about her is that she's kinda emotionally unstable, as you go along you start to understand why she's become the way she is, and you start to appreciate how "human" or "real" she really is. And honestly, this made her all the more attractive to me as a character. I mean, she's perfect, yet she's also terribly flawed. I mean I wouldn't want to date a perfect girl, she'd just be so out of my league. Hence why I found her so fascinating. Obviously, Pudge is enamored by Alaska, but alas, she is in a relationship with another dude, named Jake.
Despite the relationship with Jake, Alaska still flirts with Pudge, and Pudge eventually falls head over heels for little Miss Alaska Young. You can see the conflict inside Pudge when he deals with these situations. Eventually they end up hooking up, and the circumstances after that (which I can't talk about since it's pivotal to the plot) makes him wonder if Alaska was just playing him or if she really liked him and was just caught up with her current set of circumstances. The emotional angst and confusion in Pudge was just so real, and for me, so relatable. Does Alaska like me? Was she just messing around with me, given how she usually is? Was it me or Jake? What if?
Oh my god if only people knew how much that hits me right now. *sigh*
Two roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
The paradigm of a typical biology major's career path in the Philippines is, more often that not, med school. That is apparent by (or perhaps it leads to) the clear lack of biology industries in the country, the lack of PRC regulation for our degree, and the sheer lack of jobs for my colleagues in the field of biological research and application, minus the RA and teaching positions that come from our universities. Simply put, BS Biology in the Philippines is pretty much just labelled as a "premed" and in all honesty, it's a pretty shitty premed at that (except for the NMAT, we fricking dominate on it).
What's worse about this scenario though is the fact that there is a clear brain-drain in the field of biology, with most of the graduates, trained in the numerous fields of biology, such as ecology, physiology, genetics, and molecular biology, end up not using or applying these skills in their trades, and thus leading to a lack of worthwhile returns for the investment put in these biology students. Did that make sense? I'll just put it in another way, worded best by my former professor in UP Manila, Sedricke Lapuz (lol I just call him Sed now, so weird, happy birthday to him btw!) "I feel cheated that my students are going to medicine." Can you blame him? He put his time and effort into teaching skills (this was during plant developmental biology) that he knows most of us aren't going to use, thus benefiting neither the students, nor the department, nor the field as a whole.
Of course, perhaps I'm making a hasty generalization. I did come from UP Manila, the health sciences center of the Philippines, and honest to God you can't study there without inculcating any knowledge about health. Even the BA programs get a glimpse of health one way or another, either through health policy or through their psychology cognates. The campus breathes health sciences (as it should) and thus even the biology program there has a slant towards health and preparation for medicine. Our comparative anatomy is far from comparative, focusing directly on mammals (a human analogue). Our physiology? General physio, but with a slant towards human physiology, hell our references are for human physiology. Our electives? Immunology, histology, radiation biology and parasitology. Gee, I wonder what they're for.
Because of the slant of our curriculum, as well as the whole notion of biology as a premed, it makes you wonder.... What if I don't go to med? Where do I go? What career can I pursue? Will I be able to have a satisfying life knowing that I didn't pursue the tried and tested path of medicine? Will there be any regrets? Will you look on towards your other peers who pursued medicine and think "That could be me right now"?
Right now I'm in that position in my life. Due to financial constraints, I've been unable to go to medicine for this year. At first the thought completely destroyed me. I felt so left behind. I felt like such a failure, such a disappointment to my family and friends. I felt that I had these extremely high expectations of me, and that I was not meeting them. I will not deny that I pursued biology for medicine, and though I gave a sour-grape reason for choosing it ("If I don't go to med, I wouldn't want to be in the health sciences at all, since there's no way I'm going to be working under someone who's doing something that I'd rather be doing anyway"), it was only because I never saw myself, not in a million years, not being a doctor. Because of this, I never really grasped the possibility of other careers in biology.
At this point in time, I'm working at the Mind Museum. I must say the job is an amazing job, and I'm extremely grateful that I was given this opportunity. I was such an emotional wreck a few months ago, and this job has given me hope for some sort of security, if only temporarily. The pay is amazing for a starting job, this month I'm taking home around 20,000 with tax already taken off. My benefits are superb, with insurance plans, medical allowances, free annual check ups, and a generous number of leaves at my disposal. The work environment is amazing, as the "family-centered" vibe of the museum makes everything cheerful, and the intelligence of my peers keeps thing perennially interesting.
However, one can see from the get go that this job is not for the long term. There's no sense of growth and promotion in our foundation, as evident in our job titles. We're pretty much stuck here, with no prospect of advancement through the firm, since the structure of our organization is very....horizontal. We already answer directly to our boss, with no one in between us, and it's not like we're replacing her any time soon. So where does that lead us? Sure we get our pay rises and additional benefits as the years go by, and sure we get our awesome perks, like the free food we get ever so often, and the potential to travel abroad for our ASPAC conferences. But then what? I trained four years to pursue "science" and though we are in the "science" field, we aren't exactly doing "science" per se, if one associates science with the pursuit of new knowledge. We're merely on the "popular science" aspect of the picture, making it more accessible, palatable and ultimately digestible to the general populace, hoping to inspire people to appreciate science, and hopefully pursue the field in the future. It's a good calling, but if I was going to do that, I would have pursued education instead, cause isn't that the point of that course? Most, if not all of my colleagues either are taking masters right now or have it in mind for the long term, with the prospect of pursuing academe or research as their main career thrusts in the future.
This leads me to my dilemma. Where should I go from here? The next three years encompasses the time period when I'll have to decide what I want to do with my life. I have to think as early as now since the decision is an extremely heavy and pivotal step in the direction of my life. Once I pursue one track, I feel like it'll be too late to rewind and start again. I've wanted medicine since I was a little boy, as evidenced by my previous blog entries on the matter. But I've grown to love biology with all of my heart for the past few years in undergraduate school, and the influences of my colleagues at work have also slowly inculcated the prospect of pursuing higher biology studies in the future. The past few days at the "Ospital ning Angeles" have shown me the dreary and awful side of medicine, and all of its [un]glamorous glory. Yet it has also shown me the dire need of people who have a passion to serve the people and make a difference in our society, since it is clear that there will always be a need for doctors and other health professionals in our country.
But here's the kicker. I've always seen myself as a smart guy. Call it arrogant if you will, but growing up as the "smart kid" on the block (until UP anyway) has always made me passionate about pursuing something that "others" wouldn't dare touch. Growing up, I thought medicine or law were fields like that (and honestly they are). But being open to the field of scientific research, you start to realize how much harder that track is, and how much more in need we are of people like that. I mean, the production of new knowledge? Where would we be in terms of health, agriculture and technology if the scientists who put us here today never existed? It's such a fascinating and fulfilling prospect, and slowly it's been calling out to me. In particular, the lack of ethology, paleontology and systems biology tracks for higher education and the disregard of the evolutionary thrust in the biology curricula of the country clearly show a knowledge gap that is in dire need of filling. These issues dwell on my passions about biology, and if I were to pursue biology as my career of choice, I'd want to be in these fields.The fields are so fascinatinggggggg. Not to mention they take me closer and closer to some sort of existential fulfillment, as they take me closer to that every lingering question "How did we get here?". Such a wonder. To study these fields would entail going abroad though, since as I said, they don't have that shit here. Oh life.
It's always been tempting for me to be the different guy, to be the one to take the road less travelled by, and to hopefully make a difference where there is much need for it. Martyr/messiah complex? Maybe, UP has taught me to do that, not to mention how my family brought me up as some sort of "messiah" for the family. Fuck. Well, I have three years to decide, and I hope it gets clearer as the days go by, and hopefully sooner, rather than later. Hahahaha. I'm just glad that my life is always interesting, eh?
What's worse about this scenario though is the fact that there is a clear brain-drain in the field of biology, with most of the graduates, trained in the numerous fields of biology, such as ecology, physiology, genetics, and molecular biology, end up not using or applying these skills in their trades, and thus leading to a lack of worthwhile returns for the investment put in these biology students. Did that make sense? I'll just put it in another way, worded best by my former professor in UP Manila, Sedricke Lapuz (lol I just call him Sed now, so weird, happy birthday to him btw!) "I feel cheated that my students are going to medicine." Can you blame him? He put his time and effort into teaching skills (this was during plant developmental biology) that he knows most of us aren't going to use, thus benefiting neither the students, nor the department, nor the field as a whole.
Of course, perhaps I'm making a hasty generalization. I did come from UP Manila, the health sciences center of the Philippines, and honest to God you can't study there without inculcating any knowledge about health. Even the BA programs get a glimpse of health one way or another, either through health policy or through their psychology cognates. The campus breathes health sciences (as it should) and thus even the biology program there has a slant towards health and preparation for medicine. Our comparative anatomy is far from comparative, focusing directly on mammals (a human analogue). Our physiology? General physio, but with a slant towards human physiology, hell our references are for human physiology. Our electives? Immunology, histology, radiation biology and parasitology. Gee, I wonder what they're for.
Because of the slant of our curriculum, as well as the whole notion of biology as a premed, it makes you wonder.... What if I don't go to med? Where do I go? What career can I pursue? Will I be able to have a satisfying life knowing that I didn't pursue the tried and tested path of medicine? Will there be any regrets? Will you look on towards your other peers who pursued medicine and think "That could be me right now"?
Right now I'm in that position in my life. Due to financial constraints, I've been unable to go to medicine for this year. At first the thought completely destroyed me. I felt so left behind. I felt like such a failure, such a disappointment to my family and friends. I felt that I had these extremely high expectations of me, and that I was not meeting them. I will not deny that I pursued biology for medicine, and though I gave a sour-grape reason for choosing it ("If I don't go to med, I wouldn't want to be in the health sciences at all, since there's no way I'm going to be working under someone who's doing something that I'd rather be doing anyway"), it was only because I never saw myself, not in a million years, not being a doctor. Because of this, I never really grasped the possibility of other careers in biology.
At this point in time, I'm working at the Mind Museum. I must say the job is an amazing job, and I'm extremely grateful that I was given this opportunity. I was such an emotional wreck a few months ago, and this job has given me hope for some sort of security, if only temporarily. The pay is amazing for a starting job, this month I'm taking home around 20,000 with tax already taken off. My benefits are superb, with insurance plans, medical allowances, free annual check ups, and a generous number of leaves at my disposal. The work environment is amazing, as the "family-centered" vibe of the museum makes everything cheerful, and the intelligence of my peers keeps thing perennially interesting.
However, one can see from the get go that this job is not for the long term. There's no sense of growth and promotion in our foundation, as evident in our job titles. We're pretty much stuck here, with no prospect of advancement through the firm, since the structure of our organization is very....horizontal. We already answer directly to our boss, with no one in between us, and it's not like we're replacing her any time soon. So where does that lead us? Sure we get our pay rises and additional benefits as the years go by, and sure we get our awesome perks, like the free food we get ever so often, and the potential to travel abroad for our ASPAC conferences. But then what? I trained four years to pursue "science" and though we are in the "science" field, we aren't exactly doing "science" per se, if one associates science with the pursuit of new knowledge. We're merely on the "popular science" aspect of the picture, making it more accessible, palatable and ultimately digestible to the general populace, hoping to inspire people to appreciate science, and hopefully pursue the field in the future. It's a good calling, but if I was going to do that, I would have pursued education instead, cause isn't that the point of that course? Most, if not all of my colleagues either are taking masters right now or have it in mind for the long term, with the prospect of pursuing academe or research as their main career thrusts in the future.
This leads me to my dilemma. Where should I go from here? The next three years encompasses the time period when I'll have to decide what I want to do with my life. I have to think as early as now since the decision is an extremely heavy and pivotal step in the direction of my life. Once I pursue one track, I feel like it'll be too late to rewind and start again. I've wanted medicine since I was a little boy, as evidenced by my previous blog entries on the matter. But I've grown to love biology with all of my heart for the past few years in undergraduate school, and the influences of my colleagues at work have also slowly inculcated the prospect of pursuing higher biology studies in the future. The past few days at the "Ospital ning Angeles" have shown me the dreary and awful side of medicine, and all of its [un]glamorous glory. Yet it has also shown me the dire need of people who have a passion to serve the people and make a difference in our society, since it is clear that there will always be a need for doctors and other health professionals in our country.
But here's the kicker. I've always seen myself as a smart guy. Call it arrogant if you will, but growing up as the "smart kid" on the block (until UP anyway) has always made me passionate about pursuing something that "others" wouldn't dare touch. Growing up, I thought medicine or law were fields like that (and honestly they are). But being open to the field of scientific research, you start to realize how much harder that track is, and how much more in need we are of people like that. I mean, the production of new knowledge? Where would we be in terms of health, agriculture and technology if the scientists who put us here today never existed? It's such a fascinating and fulfilling prospect, and slowly it's been calling out to me. In particular, the lack of ethology, paleontology and systems biology tracks for higher education and the disregard of the evolutionary thrust in the biology curricula of the country clearly show a knowledge gap that is in dire need of filling. These issues dwell on my passions about biology, and if I were to pursue biology as my career of choice, I'd want to be in these fields.The fields are so fascinatinggggggg. Not to mention they take me closer and closer to some sort of existential fulfillment, as they take me closer to that every lingering question "How did we get here?". Such a wonder. To study these fields would entail going abroad though, since as I said, they don't have that shit here. Oh life.
It's always been tempting for me to be the different guy, to be the one to take the road less travelled by, and to hopefully make a difference where there is much need for it. Martyr/messiah complex? Maybe, UP has taught me to do that, not to mention how my family brought me up as some sort of "messiah" for the family. Fuck. Well, I have three years to decide, and I hope it gets clearer as the days go by, and hopefully sooner, rather than later. Hahahaha. I'm just glad that my life is always interesting, eh?
Friday, 12 July 2013
Friday, 5 July 2013
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