Restlessness

I had a long nap after eating a Big Mac, Fries and a medium sized Coca-Cola. Right now I'm extremely restless. I swear, there's so much for me to do but I have no idea how to begin things. Sometimes, I just want to let go of all my responsibilities and just observe everything a la wall flower style. It'll definitely be less tiring, letting go of all the weight and the physical, mental and emotional investments that are causing my seemingly chronic depression.

I hate taking my afternoon naps though. They end up keeping me up all night thinking about everything that's been going on in my life for the past 8 years in high school and college. I mean everything. Everything pivotal that has dictated what I'm doing at this very moment right now:

• Opting not to pursue the Lazatin Scholarship at AUF-IS
• Death of my father.
• Loss of my LMSI scholarship due to failing to meet their stupid requirements.
• Continuing to strive to achieve good grades for three good years.
• Taking and passing the UPCAT.
• Getting with my first girlfriend.
• Winning the Ten Outstanding Secondary Students of Angeles City (TOSSA) Award and graduating as Valedictorian.
• Entering the University of the Philippines, Manila as a BS Biology student.
• Joining Handog.
• Breaking up with my first girlfriend. 
• Nearly failing Math 17. 
• Getting an appendectomy.
• Joining BIGKIS-UPM and running under their slate. 
• Winning a position in the College of Arts and Sciences Student Council (unopposed after all). 
• Joining the Freshman Block Coordination Program and handling my beloved kids. 
• Discovering that the United Kingdom will no longer support my family's living expenses, essentially leaving us for fucking broke.
• Becoming an atheist (albeit still closet til this day to some people).
• Getting a four in Math 100 and resolving to do better in academics. 
• Joining the BIOMAS and BMAP executive committee. 
• Finally passing Math 100. 
• Toxic 2011. 
• Getting with my second girlfriend. 
• Opting to run and suddenly back out. 
• The beginning of my smoking habit.
• Nearly failing Bio 133. 
• Opting to join other organisations executive committees as compensation for my frustration in not running.
• Breaking up with my second girlfriend.
• Frustratingly failing to reach my target mark, and doubting whether I'd get in my med school of choice after all.
• Toxic 2012
• Thesis. Thesis. Thesis. 
• Opting to take extra electives as a background for a potential masters track. 
• Med school applications. 
• Swoon.

I've been through a lot for the past few years, and I'd have to say that the four years of college have been the most important in my life. Never have I experienced so much learning, both inside and outside the classroom, not only academically and critically but, of course, real life lessons as well. I never knew life could be so hard. In high school, though I knew life was hard I always thought my life had a sort of direction, that I'd be getting somewhere, that I'm special. Now, I'm just at a loss. I have no idea what I'll be doing in my life come 5-10 years from now. There are things that I would like to do but I don't know if I can do it under the my chosen set of ideal circumstances. The 10 year plan may reach 15 years or so, or even more. The pain I've experienced throughout my 8 years is more than most people should ever have to experience during these years of development. Academic distress, financial turmoil, death of loved ones, and a disastrous love life. Oh life.

At times I just want to crawl under a rock and die. As Robert Green Ingersoll once said "They who stand with breaking hearts around this little grave, need have no fear. The larger and the nobler faith in all that is, and is to be, tells us that death, even at its worst, is only perfect rest ... The dead do not suffer.". Often, I envy the dead. Granted, one is unable to commune with them but at least they're forever at peace. That's all I want. Peace. Security. Happiness. Stability. I just want the one opportunity of sentience and consciousness to be well spent with no regrets. I never asked to be rich, I grew up never asking for anything and always being content with whatever I had. Alas, even simple pleasures are hard to come by. 

I pray for release. I'm desperate. I just need sleep. 

(My writing is rather rough now, I apologize for it, it shall improve over time once I've gotten back into it.)