Isaiah 57:20 "But the wicked are like the troubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up mire and dirt."
Am I one of the wicked? Do I deserve these restless nights of painful thoughts and agonizing memories? I lie in my bed, thinking about all the things I've done, all the things I should have done, and all the things I ought to do. My thoughts bother me, like an acid seeping through the layers of my skin. My thoughts hinder me, crippling me, preventing me from moving on and being productive. They enslave me, binding me to the walls of my solemn, melancholic mind. I long for peace, peace to end this torment which has gone on for far too long. I need release, release from all this suffering that has been gnawing at my mind and soul for what seems like an eternity.
As I fall asleep, my dreams torment me, amplifying my dreads and showing that my subconscious feels the same way. Upon my waking, I feel just as tired as before I fell to slumber. Alcohol fails to numb the pain, and smoking momentarily provides me with relief before aggravating it with hypertension and alertness. And yet I continue this vice, as that momentary moment of euphoria upon inhaling that sweet burst of nicotine is the only glee that keeps me going as I face these demons in life.
There is one other thing that gives me happiness. She does. She fills me up with momentous joy the likes that I have never felt since I first knew what love could be. If I were to picture cloud 9, it wouldn't be the same without her beautiful face which brightens up my soul brighter than a thousand suns. No drug, no substance, no chemical, no hormone could come close to how she makes me feel when she passes by. And hearing her voice, her marvelous voice, makes me swoon like two destined love birds separated by a cage. Her beautiful smile acts like a key to my soul, opening me up and leaving me vulnerable. Put this all together, and you have an angel from heaven, an Aphrodite on Earth, a real-life Venus. Oh how I long for you.
Yet, she is unaware of how much she means to me. She is oblivious to how I feel for her. She shrugs off my advances as though it's nothing, like I'm some sales agent that need be ignored to get me out of her hair. My words mean nothing to her, and she prevents me from making any actions. I often dream about her, longing to embrace her in my arms and feel the soft fragrance of her skin and hair next to mine. I must put more effort into this but something is holding me back from it all. Is it the fact that her best friend told me not to, telling me to instead "guard my heart"? Is it because my realistic side (as well as my past) tells me that 3 months before I leave the university isn't a good time to plant the blossoms of a potential new love story (here's hoping)? Or is it fear that I may be hurt once again the same way I was hurt twice before? I don't know. All I know is, I'll keep dreaming, dreaming that someday it may come true. :) But to quote Fantine, there are dreams that can not be, and once more, I must learn to accept one more harsh reality of life.
Ironic, the thing that makes me happy also makes me even more steadily miserable. I guess it's like a drug as well, you get an extremely great high, and you can also get an extremely bad low at the end. *sigh*
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