I dunno. I don't want to assume anything, I really don't. But I swear to god I keep getting mixed signals so I have no clue how to proceed. Maybe I'm just being played? Lol that'd be funny. Or maybe I'm just being an assuming little twat? Look Will. She's pretty much taken bro, don't think too much on it. And anyway you're dating someone else anyway so get a hold of your self. Then again, the sitch with the girl you've been dating is extremely casual (you're one among six bro hahaha) so don't think too much on that either.

Meh, have fun Will. Have fun.

Spontaneity

For the record, I'm just going to go all out with my blog starting from now on. Anything that comes to mind I'll write it down (if I feel like it of course). I think I can only really be truly honest with myself if I do things spontaneously. I tend to overthink and overanalyze, which eventually stops me from being true to myself. I was going through some past blog drafts that I never published, and I realized that they were truest to myself that I've ever been (then again I usually write them under the influence HAHA). So now, whenever thoughts come to mind, and they're worth writing about, no matter how absurd or controversial it may be, I should write it down. Anyway, frequency beats out length any day. (he he he)

Solitude.

My work life is honestly so much more lenient compared to my undergraduate life, leaving me with a lot of free time to myself (minus the work hours). I barely take home work from the office (after all, I'm not being paid out of work) so I only really work 45 hours a week. Coupled with the fact that my job gives me a lot of freedom, I have a lot of free time, and more importantly, free thoughts. The work place is fun, but it can only go so far as to satisfy my social needs, particularly since it's such a small foundation (we're totaling at 50 if you include everyone there, including the outsourced people) and since I'm the new kid on the block, it's not exactly easy penetrating the cliques instantly. It's all good though.

However, I won't deny that I've been feeling rather lonely as of late. I'm a guy from the province, thus my primary social circle here in the Metro revolved around my college life. Now that I've graduated from college, and all my friends have proceeded to medical school, my circle of friends has gotten really really slim. They've all found new friends, or even if they haven't, their hectic schedules in med really eats up all their time. Thus, I never get to see any of my friends. It sucks. My life has started to become routinary, I get up, I shower, go to work, do my work stuff, go home, rest, sleep. Rinse and repeat. I miss having the constant companionship I had in undergrad. I never ran out of company in college, there was always someone to hang out with, be it blockmates, org mates, coursemates, or just friends and acquaintances. Not to mention my love life was relatively more active in college. People weren't kidding when they say that college is the best time of your life.

I keep telling myself that I want to settle into my single life, save up cash, spend time and money on myself for once, and slowly plot the direction of my life right now. But a small part of me does long for companionship. A girlfriend? Perhaps. Mainly I just need someone to talk to. Have a few drinks and cigarettes with. Mental stimulation that is outside the work place (honestly with work colleagues, they're good friends but you always seem to end up talking about work, and well, it's nice to have a break from that, you know?) Company, to put it briefly. I had shit loads in college and high school. I dunno. Perhaps when I move out of Malate I'll be able to sort my life out properly. As Pecier said, I still haven't cut my UP Manila umbilical cord. Haha. Meh. Whatever.

Reminiscence

Riding the jeep home today, it was odd that my thoughts came across JM. After all this time I still wonder what would life be like if things went differently between the two of us. I guess I'm still hungover somewhat. I do miss her, the time we spent "dating" was short but it was extremely sweet. I jumped the gun, I won't deny that, and if I could do things again I would have. Alas, things didn't work out, and I wish I could go back and change those silly mistakes I've made. I've learned from them now, and well, it has changed me a great deal.

I tried texting her a few weeks ago, just a simple hi, and the words "litmus test" in parentheses, just to see if it would pique her curiosity (the text was, after all, meant to be a litmus test to see if she'd even bother corresponding). She didn't reply, and I guess she wants nothing to do with me now. Funny, we had so much in common and now she doesn't even want to talk to me. Life's tragic that way huh? If you're reading this now J, or any of the friends you shared it with, all I want is to be friends, cause it's such a waste I think. But hey, if not, who am I to force it.

On the topic of reminiscing, a few weeks ago I was talking with PA. It's good that we're pretty good friends now, I mean we share our stories and problems and stuff, and we now open up to each other. It was funny, she told me that she actually liked me in a point of her life. Apparently before I knew she even existed. Ha ha ha. If only it coincided with the point in my life when I was attracted to her. Women. Can't live with em. :)) Honestly I'd still be open to dating her, just to see how it goes, but given how she views me now (apparently I'm a "player" in her eyes, I have no clue where she got that from, she won't say either, so whatever), I doubt that'll happen any time soon. Oh wait, she can read this too. Hi P! If you're interested ha! =P

A few days ago I wrote an entry about making amends with everyone I've wronged. That was a general statement, since I have wronged a lot of people (come on, everyone does at some point in their life, I mean the sheer diversity of the human emotional spectrum would eventually lead to at least one person that'll dislike you for some, odd, uncontrollable reason). One person I really want to make amends with is my ex, PC. I've wronged a few girls as well, but I've made peace with all of them, except for her. It's a shame, honestly. Despite the lack of emotional compatibility, which we resolved, we did have a certain intellectual understanding between us. It was fun talking to her about stuff that honestly I couldn't talk to with a lot of people. I guess I miss the intellectual company, and having her as a friend as well. Maybe one of these days I'll try to make amends, but honestly I don't know how to bring that up. Perhaps I should wait for time to heal the wounds some more? Or perhaps I should just accept the fact that some wounds don't heal? Meh, we'll see.

In the mean time though I just want to settle in to my lifestyle. The independent single life is extremely liberating, and honestly it's awesome having money to spend on myself. The problem now is I never have time to spend for myself. Hahaha. I hope by the time I do get time and money, I'll also have the eagerness or the capability to enjoy myself. Time will tell. Time will tell. As of now though I don't mind just going out dating, meeting people, and slowly finding someone I can settle with. Emphasis on the slowly, since I'm really in no rush now. Shame I barely have the time to. Hahahaha. FML.

Decency.

You have some nerve to take MY mattress out of MY room into the living room, and sleep their with your boyfriend, doing god knows what (it wasn't decent), while I happen to be sleeping 2 METERS away from your inane and disgusting activities (I fell asleep on the couch, come on, I had alcohol in my system).

Learn some fucking decency. Waking up to that was mentally scarring. >_<

I don't want to go and overstep my boundaries. I'm new afterall, and I know my place. But I don't want to feel useless. And I would appreciate a little credit. I'm a competent and eager guy, and I hate feeling like I'm not doing anything.

I wish I had more input on my own ideas as well. I dunno. Haha. Fuck it.