On the UPCAT

I'd like to apologize for the lack of activity on this blog for the past few weeks. A lot of things have been going in my life which have prevented me from being as verbal as I would usually be given the ample amount of free time. Today marks the end of hopefully one of the last hell weeks I shall experience in my undergraduate life. It's been a crazy few days, marked by exams plus the continuation of our thesis protocol, and though thesis is still not done, I'm grateful that my other academic requirements are sorted out so at least I can focus on things one at a time again.

But first, let's talk about something that really piqued my interest last weekend. The University of the Philippines College Admission Test (or UPCAT) results for those who took it in August 2012 has finally been released last Saturday, which I'm sure caused thousands of students to rejoice, and tens of thousands more heartbreaks among the Filipino student body. I know my statement seems hyperbolic, I mean it's just one school among thousand others in the country. But UP is a special university. The University of the Philippines is considered to be the undisputed, peerless, national university in our country. Those who enter (and leave, after much suffering) the University are considered to be the ultimate cream of the crop of our country. This, coupled with the fact that it is cheaper than Ateneo de Manila and De La Salle, makes it the ideal choice for those who want the best education they can possibly get this side of Asia.

I remember when I first took the UPCAT on August 2, 2008. I overslept, which means I had to go to the testing center in UP Clark without showering. I arrived there just as the queue was starting to dissipate, thus, I crept behind and fell in line right at the end. We ended up taking our exam in the Library, where it was made into a makeshift testing center strewn with dozens and dozens of cheap mono bloc arm chairs. At least it was cold. I couldn't really remember the test questions that well, but there were two things that were extremely vivid for me. The first was the difficulty I had in taking the mathematics portion of the UPCAT, which can be attributed to my atrocious background on maths in high school. The second thing that struck me was the shock that I received upon turning the page and discovering that more than half of the reading comprehension portion would be in Filipino (sigh). I eventually left the testing center around 12 NN, and slowly walked through Clark, depressed, eating the sandwiches Mom eagerly prepared for me to eat during the test. I never anticipated the fact of passing the UPCAT, for me the examination was way out of my league and I truly felt like I was unworthy to enter the University and be deemed an "Iskolar ng Bayan". Not to mention the fact that I deliberately put quota courses on my application form, banking on the notion that "If it's meant for me, it's meant for me" (I believe it was BS Biology and BS Nursing for UP Manila, while I put BS Biology and BS Chemistry in UP Diliman, hah). Fate eventually dictated things differently however, and taking this exam would change my life permanently.

It was around February when I found out my UPCAT results. A week prior to the release, I already discovered online that I passed the University of Santo Tomas Entrance Test (or USTET), with both my choices up and ready, namely BS Biology and BS Nursing. I was fully psyched to go to Manila now, I didn't even bother taking the local AUFCAT (Angeles University Foundation... you get the picture). I was chilling at my friend Ron's house when I suddenly opted to check the UPCAT application form page. After numerous refreshes and many gritted teeth, I eventually saw my name of the website. 2009-16678, ROZEE, WILLIAM DEREK F. MANILA. BS BIOLOGY. You can imagine the ecstasy I was feeling then. I passed my first choice on my first campus! Talk about a dream come true. It took me a few weeks to eventually persuade my mother to allow me to go to Manila, and eventually she succumbed to my desires. We went to Manila around March to confirm my slot in UP Manila and to retrieve my recognition certificate from the Department of Immigration. I first saw UPM. It was underwhelming, and extremely bleak, but oddly enough it had a cozy vibe that just felt right for me. The campus, though not the lush beauty of UP Diliman, was still better than any of the surrounding schools in the vicinity. Seeing all the health science majors all around me also caused me to be more excited as well, causing me to finally realize "damn, I'm going to a premed, I'm preparing to be a doctor". Oh what bliss.

Long story short, now I'm hear looking back on when I first entered the University. It's rather melancholic, considering I was expecting to be here for around 5 years longer. Alas, that seems to not be the case anymore, and after this March I shall say goodbye to my dear UP Naming Mahal. I shall truly, truly, deeply miss you UP, you're one of the most important things that has ever happened to my life, and I'll never forget all the bittersweet moments you and I had together. To pass UP was a privilege that only so few can ever achieve, and I'm truly grateful that I was able to experience your majesty, if only ever so briefly. Thank you so much.

To pass the UPCAT is an honor. But it is not only that, it is also a privilege, and to attain that privilege, one must pay for it. You won't pay in cash (some will argue that you will but it's relative), but you'll pay with your soul. Why's that? You will never be the same once you enter the university, I guarantee it. And as an Iskolar ng Bayan, you have to give back what you gained in UP to those that need it most, Filipino people. UP isn't only a training ground for the best and brightest. It's also a training ground for the future heroes of the country, those who use their smarts for the betterment and development of our dear nation. To the new Iskolar ng Bayans, seize this once in a lifetime opportunity. Why UP? Simple. You'll never be the same, but you'll never be better either. ;)

I'll continue my tirade another time. I've been sleep deprived for days and I must catch up on shut eyes, or else I'll gain weight. Lol. I hope to talk about med school as well as the concept of a hell week.

Hwyl!

No rest for the wicked

Isaiah 57:20 "But the wicked are like the troubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up mire and dirt."

Am I one of the wicked? Do I deserve these restless nights of painful thoughts and agonizing memories? I lie in my bed, thinking about all the things I've done, all the things I should have done, and all the things I ought to do. My thoughts bother me, like an acid seeping through the layers of my skin. My thoughts hinder me, crippling me, preventing me from moving on and being productive. They enslave me, binding me to the walls of my solemn, melancholic mind. I long for peace, peace to end this torment which has gone on for far too long. I need release, release from all this suffering that has been gnawing at my mind and soul for what seems like an eternity.

As I fall asleep, my dreams torment me, amplifying my dreads and showing that my subconscious feels the same way. Upon my waking, I feel just as tired as before I fell to slumber. Alcohol fails to numb the pain, and smoking momentarily provides me with relief before aggravating it with hypertension and alertness. And yet I continue this vice, as that momentary moment of euphoria upon inhaling that sweet burst of nicotine is the only glee that keeps me going as I face these demons in life.

There is one other thing that gives me happiness. She does. She fills me up with momentous joy the likes that I have never felt since I first knew what love could be. If I were to picture cloud 9, it wouldn't be the same without her beautiful face which brightens up my soul brighter than a thousand suns. No drug, no substance, no chemical, no hormone could come close to how she makes me feel when she passes by. And hearing her voice, her marvelous voice, makes me swoon like two destined love birds separated by a cage. Her beautiful smile acts like a key to my soul, opening me up and leaving me vulnerable. Put this all together, and you have an angel from heaven, an Aphrodite on Earth, a real-life Venus. Oh how I long for you.

Yet, she is unaware of how much she means to me. She is oblivious to how I feel for her. She shrugs off my advances as though it's nothing, like I'm some sales agent that need be ignored to get me out of her hair. My words mean nothing to her, and she prevents me from making any actions. I often dream about her, longing to embrace her in my arms and feel the soft fragrance of her skin and hair next to mine. I must put more effort into this but something is holding me back from it all. Is it the fact that her best friend told me not to, telling me to instead "guard my heart"? Is it because my realistic side (as well as my past) tells me that 3 months before I leave the university isn't a good time to plant the blossoms of a potential new love story (here's hoping)? Or is it fear that I may be hurt once again the same way I was hurt twice before? I don't know. All I know is, I'll keep dreaming, dreaming that someday it may come true. :) But to quote Fantine, there are dreams that can not be, and once more, I must learn to accept one more harsh reality of life.

Ironic, the thing that makes me happy also makes me even more steadily miserable. I guess it's like a drug as well, you get an extremely great high, and you can also get an extremely bad low at the end. *sigh*