Misery

I'm in extreme agony and confusion as I write this blog entry. Tears are literally dripping down my eyes. I don't know where I'm going and I lack any direction whatsoever in my life. I just want to go to med school so bad but my circumstances prevent me from doing such. Oh how I wish money grew from trees.

I just talked to my mother. The pressure she's putting on me to get a job is reaching a point of intolerance on my part. I'm a fucking fresh grad, do you expect me to find a job instantly? I keep getting all guilty and shit from all the shit going on in my life. Life's just so unfair. I envy and partly despise those who were born with silver spoons in their mouths, those who have nothing to worry about. Those who can delay their onset into the real world for 5-10 years past their date of undergraduate commencement. Those who don't have to worry about getting their TIN #s and paying their bills and making ends meet. Or those who need not worry about these things just yet since they're too busy "studying for their board exams". Pft.

I hate how my financial status fucked up when I went to college. I hate how "Great Britain" just cut me off and said "sod off, you're old enough to make money, go dig a fucking hole, you stupid git" and stopped financial support for me and my family RIGHT WHEN I NEEDED IT MOST. I hate how my father had a stupid smoking and coffee habit, which caused him to snuff it right when I needed a father figure.

Worst thing about it all? I hate how I'm stuck with no one to talk to about it, since no one really ever understands me. No one ever gets me. Mum doesn't get my turmoil, how painful it is to give up these dreams. My college friends don't know my agony, not realizing how much of a hell my life is everyday, carrying the family while they all just go off to their own respective med schools. My high school friends shrug off my misery, laughing it off as though the smart, TOSSA valedictorian is infallible and shit. Fuck you. Fuck it. Fuck. It. I'm so lonely. You think I drink all this time cause I'm happy? Arse. I drink cause I'm miserable. I feel like something's eating inside at me every single day, and I just drink it off, hoping the ethanol can kill it and kill it quickly. Waking up is a chore. If only I could just sleep. Sleep, and dream. Dream, and dream lucidly. Or if only I had someone to talk to. Just one person that could understand where I'm coming from, someone who may not share my situation but at least empathize with how I'm feeling. Or at least someone who cared about me. Cause it sucks. It really sucks. And I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I wish there was a God. God knows I need Him right now. Fucker. What am I doing with my life...