May 21, 00:38. I've been tempted to write
this specific entry for so long now. Excerpts of it has been stored in my phone
for weeks, while other parts have been archived in some blog entries that
I can't be arsed to complete The rest of my thoughts in this entry have
been ruminating in the back of my head for weeks and weeks. So perhaps you
could say that this is a culmination of all the feelings I've been
experiencing since the 15th of April 2013. It's been one hell of a emotional
roller coaster ride for me in all honesty, not only in terms of my feelings for
her but also due to the confounding factors that have been bothering my
life as of late. As of now I'm writing this in a Notepad file (while waiting
for the 8th episode of GoT to finish downloading), if ever this gets uploaded
in the long run, then it means that I've kinda reached my limit and I just
want to make sense of everything.
So where do I
begin. Here's the situation since we last truly left off. I wrote a blog entry
more or less a month ago, entitled "Continuation of Conundrums". I
don't know why I wrote that. It's not usually in my nature to be all mushy
and shit. Perhaps I was panicked? Panicked at the thought of letting this
amazing girl go. Maybe I thought I had a chance? I mean, can you blame me?
Gambler's fallacy, I've had a bad streak, perhaps it would start getting
better. Maybe I was just being an assuming little git, I mean, the few dates we
had were amazing on my end, perhaps I just assumed you
enjoyed my company
as much as I did yours (looking back you probably didn't, I mean how else would
it end up like this). Perhaps I paid attention to too many minor details, like
how we both liked Doctor Who and football, among many others. Basically, I
thought that writing the blog was the right thing to do. I can't really
remember what was going through my mind then now. I think I wrote it as I
usually wrote my blog, as a secret diary meant to be shared to no one but
my closest confidants. No one was supposed to know, it would have been just
mine to read and linger on and laugh about. But then Past Will got caught
up in his emotions, and he sent the URL to her, with no foresight of the
potential consequences. YOLO perhaps? I know she hates that term. Perhaps it
should be PIYOLO. Putang Ina You Only Live Once. And putang ina talaga.
After sharing that link, my hits rose up a hundred fold, and it was clear that
my secret blog was no longer a secret, at least for some people. My outlet. My
diary. Pretty much the hidden, sensitive, vulnerable side of Mr. William
Derek Fidel Rozee, being shared to people I barely, or hell, people I really
didn't even know. Oh the agony on my part. But I let it slide. I really
did. Perhaps she just meant that much to me. Girls are girls, they have to
share these things with their friends, family, cliques, support system, or
whatever you wanna call it. So it was cool. I'm the laughing stock of a
bunch of people I don't even know. But it's all good. You know?
A few days later, the morning prior to
Bionight, we decided to talk things through. She made it clear that she wasn't
looking for the kind of thing that I was insinuating(seemed liked a bad thing
eh haha) in that blog entry. She wasn't looking for anything serious. She
wasn't in that point in her life to settle with someone just yet. Furthermore,
I'm a fresh graduate, who's either going back to Pampanga or perhaps
working somewhere, so it wouldn't work out anyway. I'm a rational guy, honestly
I am. I'm the guy who broke up with my ex so I could focus on orgs and
academics. It isn't pretty, but it makes sense. And when you have a good
argument, I concede, since that's what people should do. Honestly, I saw where
she was coming from. So we agreed to be just friends. Somehow I got pushed
into the friendzone, but whatever. Perhaps a small part of me still had that
glimmer of hope that somehow it would work out some time? Maybe, I dunno.
Anyway, honestly I was hurt, but I was more than happy to stay as friends,
as long as I had her in my life somehow. Let me just put it like this, this
girl is AMAZING. I was happy and grateful in knowing that someone that amazing
could even exist. If miracles were true, she was the embodiment, cause I swear
she has it all. And anyway, I would have been perfectly happy just being
friends with her. Honestly, just knowing her is an honor for me. Creepy I
know, but that's how much I hold her in esteem. (If you read this you better be
flattered :P)
Days went by, we
didn't talk much, it's understood, it's summer break, she's in Batangas and
she's caught up with friends, video games, whatever, especially since she
doesn't really text much. Then the day came. April 15, 2013. My birthday.
Quite frankly, I never really cared much for my birthday. The day was just
supposed to be an uneventful day. Just sorting out my paperwork for grad school
or work, and perhaps drinking with friends right after. Eventually I ended up
at Beach House in La Salle with Boli, Lolay, and some professors. It was fun,
we had donuts, we had booze, the stories were fun, it was turning out to
be an ok day after all. At 19:43, and honestly after quite a few pitchers, I
get a text message like this.
"Happy
birthday pogiiiii. Haha joke lang. - jmlm <3 <3 <3 "if you're
happy and you know clap you're hands!" "happy birtday to you are the
one who makes me happy birthday to you are the one who makes me happy
birthday to you...""
How the hell was I
supposed to interpret that? This was drunk Will reading mind you, and he was
all giddy and shit particularly since he was feeling the GV vibes from his
birthday. The conversation was odd, I won't go deep into it here, but it
reached a point when she was asking me to go there. Being the silly hopeless
drunk romantic that I am, I left my friends and my birthday celebration,
and went straight to her condo.
She opened the
door and gave me a look that pretty much said "what the fuck are you doing
here at this time of night?". Well, perhaps it was just drunk Will
thinking that. I dunno. Basically though she wasn't expecting me there. I
sensed some foul play involved. I asked her directly, "Have you been using
your phone for the past hour or so?" and she said no. Boom. My world
shattered right there and then. I felt like I was flushing in the face out
of sheer shame and embarrassment. I felt like such a total fool. That was the
most embarrassing moment in my entire life bar none. That, coupled with
the alcohol, probably made me mad as well. I mean who the hell wants to be
trolled? Made a total fool? About something like that? On their birthday? I
mean for God's sake, I was in the process of moving on. Then some friends
just decided to mess me up and keep me wishing for something. I left my dearest
college friends and my birthday celebration for nothing but false hopes
and utter humiliation. I told her straight (and honestly bluntly) that
someone's been messing with me and it was an awful time to do that, since I was
drunk and it just isn't the right day to prank someone that bad. I left
what I brought her and just went home, finishing my fresh pack of Luckies as I
walked all the way back to my apartment. Looking back, I feel sorry about my
bluntness and anger then. But honestly, can you blame me?
We didn't talk for
a couple of days. Eventually I couldn't take it and I asked her through SMS if
we could talk. We texted and it seemed like we were in good terms. I guess it seemed
like we could be friends again after that. Days passed. I tried
communicating a few times. One time she did reply and eventually that trailed
off into nothing once again. I kept myself occupied by trying to look for
jobs in Manila. I saw her a few times around campus when I needed to sort
out paperwork, but I dunno if it was me just being paranoid or if my hunch is
true, but I couldn't help but feel that she was trying to get me off her
back. I know she doesn't text often, I've noticed that, but sometimes I can't
help but get the feeling that she wants nothing to do with me now. I'm just a
friend, I understand that. I have no right place to demand for attention
or a place in your life. But I dunno, friends should talk somehow,
shouldn't they? Sometimes I think it's just one way. Perhaps I'm just
ephemeral, someone who's just supposed to be there for a short time and
then poof, vanish. I know you prefer personal contact over texting or Facebook
but I can't just show up at your condo and say hi, can I? It just doesn't
make sense to me. You used to be so warm, and now you're just so....cold. Did I
do anything wrong? Was it something I said? Perhaps it's my twitter account and
all the drama shit, though honestly I just rant about love life for a
laugh. Or perhaps you just treat all your friends this way. Or perhaps you just
don't want me around. If you don't, I understand. Just please, please tell
me straight. I just want to know your side.
As for love life. Haha.
She set the bar too high for me, honestly. Right now I'm not even looking
anymore. I don't really need it in this point of my life. I have bigger shit to
worry about. For starters I need to find a job. Manila. Pampanga. Wherever. I
need to start saving up for med school since I don't want to put this off any
longer. Perhaps work will keep me occupied somehow. Cause honestly, just being
stuck here with my thoughts, my fags and my booze is driving me crazy.
At times I believe
this is just bad karma for the girls that I hurt in the past. If ever it is, I
now know how it feels and God I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I hate the
anguish I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks. It’s unbearable. I broke down
at Kyle’s grad party because honestly it’s just been too heavy to carry this
cross. Perhaps somehow, things will get better. As for everyone I hurt in the
past, no words can describe how sorry I am, and I’ll never hurt anyone ever
again. FML.
Fuck it, it's 3:15. This is going on my
blog. Night.
