I wish there was a way to stop these neurotransmitters from firing this way, to stop these stimuli from affecting me so, to stop myself from feeling this way. *sigh*

Convolution

"W: aw fuck it, hahaha, I'm just putting this out in the open but if you were single I'd ask you out :)))"
E: and if I were single I'd say yes haha"

"E: Go ahead, ask me any question about my type.
W: Type mo ba ako? hahahahaha
E: Tbh oo, wahahaha"

I decided to start with these words from a conversation we had recently, just to give you a rough idea of how frustrated I am with my current situation. "It" could be there, but due to the way things are at present, "it" can not be. Hahaha, why am I feeling this way? I have no right to get involved in the current status quo of my colleagues' relationships and dealings with each other. I'm just the greenhorn here, I've barely been here a month, and now I'm acting like such a douchebag. If I was a spectator watching all this I'd be so pissed at myself right now, since I won't deny that I'm being such a total asshole.

But honestly, can you blame me? I won't deny that I fancy this girl. She is special. Granted, I say that about all the girls I meet and like, but you know, I dunno if it's sheer luck or something, but I always do meet such amazing women. And honestly, the number of women I find "special" doesn't detract from how special these women are, cause they really are spectacular. What frustrates me even more is not the fact that I can't be with her, but the fact that the guy that she is with right now doesn't give her the due treatment that a girl of her calibre deserves. You have a girl who is a 15/10 in my book, and you treat her like some common fling, some summer romance that won't lead to anywhere. Do you know how lucky you are to be in that position? This girl is head over heels for you, despite how shitty you've been treating her. I'd kill to be in that kind of position, not particularly to have someone head over heels for me, but to be in a position where I am able to show someone who is that amazing how special and important she means to me.

Alas, that is my plight. An emotional tampon to spectate and advise her on what to do with her current "relationship problems". Honestly though, I'm pretty alright with it. Alright as anyone in that position could ever be. As I said time and time again, I want to be the better and righteous (I use this term loosely) man. And I want her happiness first and foremost. What's the point nga naman if I'm happy but she's not diba? Hahaha.

I'm being silly. I barely know everyone. Why do I always jump on these opportunities whenever I meet someone new? Why must I be so impatient? Why am I so impulsive? I should learn to control my feelings, particularly in this new setting. Everyone is more mature than I am, or if not mature, then at least more familiar with the interpersonal dynamics of the workspace. I really should just sit back, relax, watch how things unfold and learn from it all. If a fair opportunity arises, go for it. But in the mean time I shouldn't be anticipating for anything bad to happen, or even worse encouraging something bad to happen in between them. That's just being a douchebag. If it'll happen, it'll happen. And right now I should just enjoy the ride. I'm extremely lucky that I've gotten pretty close with her in such a short amount of time. And I'm grateful for that. Her company is really enjoyable. I should be content with that, and just see how things go.

Sorry if my writing is so screwed up. I should write in smaller, yet more frequent bursts. Ergh. That way I can get more hits!

Independence Day

June 12: Today is June 12. Today is supposed to mark the so called "liberation" of the Philippines from Spanish rule by Emilio Aguinaldo way back in 1898 at Kawit, Cavite. This could go on as a diatribe about the current state of the Philippines, or how Emilio Aguinaldo is an arse-kisser who sold out to the Americans.  Or this could be about how the Philippines isn't really a fully independent country, being heavily dependent on other countries for economic sustainability and political will power. This isn't the avenue for this kind of discussions though. If you want to hear about that, be my guest and refer yourselves to one of the many "national democracy" advocates that litter my Facebook feeds everyday. Pft.

No, this post will be about my independence day, and all the events leading up to this pivotal moment. Today, my first pay check arrived in my pay roll bank account. This marks the end of my dependence on my mother for sustenance. It's quite an odd feeling, finally supporting myself for a living. It feels odd knowing that I make more money than my mother does per month, and it's quite surreal how I've reached this point in my life, considering how most people I know (who are either my age or younger) are either still studying or just plain unemployed. It feels like it's too soon. I never saw myself joining the "corporate workforce rat race" so soon. I always saw myself studying til at least the age of 25, so the fact that I'm now an employee is still pretty foreign to me. When I was in university the only number I ever had to deal with was my student number, which for obvious reasons I will not post here (mehehe). Now, my life revolves around numerous numbers tied to my name. =))) TIN? SSS? PhilHealth? FML. Let's not talk about these any longer, as the past few weeks have been spent lining up at countless government offices for hours on end just to get a silly little 16 digit number. Oh well.

So how has work been so far? I must say that despite my inhibitions in joining the work force, I've been having the time of my life at work. As I write this I remember the words I said to Garrick during my job interview, talking about how much I adored growing up with Discovery Channel, Nat Geo and Animal Planet  on my telly, and how I loved shows like Beakman's World and Bill Nye the Science Guy as they always made the sciences so approachable and plain fun for the general public. Though I did say them to impress rather to express, I won't deny that I really did enjoy growing up with that kind of environment. Now, the tables have turned. I am a Mind Mover at the Mind Museum. I'm supposed to be the one making science interesting for the little kiddos visiting us. It's a lot of pressure on me, and my peers. They've been doing this for more or less a year though, so they're pretty much seasoned by now. Pecier in particular is extremely impressive as a Mind Mover, he has a way with crowds and he's such an interesting character to watch and talk to. As for me, I still need to step up a little. So far all I've been doing is welcoming people and giving my spiel to our beloved guests, while simultaneously researching for our future events. Haven't really been "mind moving" as of late, but I'll be starting science demos next week, so I'm quite excited for that. The people have been so amazing. I've never met people with these kind of smarts. Being in the University of the Philippines has allowed me to meet some of the most intelligent people anyone could ever meet in this country. However, I've never met the kind of smarts that I've met here at TMM. These are people I could talk to about anything under the sun and still learn something fruitful after every conversation. Politics? Check. Sex? Check. Popular science? Obviously a check. Music? Check. Sports? Check. Religion? Check. The diversity is amazing. It never gets old there. The environment is also amazing. The museum is so cozy and kid friendly, which may sound odd but here me out. Because it's such a kid friendly environment, the mood of it all feels so light and cheerful. If I'm working at a science institute doing research in a laboratory for instance, it'll be all technical and glum and danky and dirty. Here it's just so bright, shiny, and squeaky-clean. Granted I mostly do a desk job (it's actually pretty corporate) but to put it in Miss Nina's words, it's a schizophrenic kind of corporate job. I go to work in a t-shirt, jeans and my favourite pair of Vans, no qualms whatsoever. Whenever everyone's free, we play air hockey. I've had wine to drink at work twice in less than a week. It's just so chill. I'm sure it'll get worse eventually, I'm sure work also has its "honeymoon phase", but so far so good. I'm lovin it.

At times I wonder what it would be like if I entered a med school instead. My batchmates seem to have the time of their life right now (except for Luigi, whiny little prick). I see them all dressed up in their white uniforms, and though I have my own white uniform (mehehe my white Mind Mover lab gown), nothing beats the full outfit of a medical student. I'm jealous, I won't deny that. Can you blame me? I prepped my whole life for pursuing a medical career, and now I'm treading a path which puts me slightly off course. A part of me wants to follow in their foot steps in a year, hence why I'm working my ass off right now to fund my education in the future. But one week at the Mind Museum has already changed my perspective on a lot of things. I'm making pretty decent money right now, and I hope to maintain this momentum for at least a couple of years. My batchmates aren't making a cent, slogging it out for 5 more years in the academe before they even start to make a buck. And then what? 12k? 15k a month? I make more than that from a BS degree alone. Instead of mother continuing to fund me, I can now actually support her. But it's not about the money. Being at the Mind Museum, surrounded by young science majors who plan to continue their careers in the sciences (Asia in particular), kind of rubs off on you. Now I see myself pursuing a field that can help foster a climate of better science education for the general public. The Erasmus Mundus MEME scholarship is starting to sound ever more sweeter, and actually having a colleague pursue a similar path really makes it seem more feasible to me. Imagine that, William Derek Rozee, a professor, Master in Evolutionary Biology. It sounds so sweet. I've always admired Richard Dawkins, but now I actually want to follow in his footsteps. Fantastic!

Of course, I haven't completely closed the doors to a medical degree. I'm still bothered by the current public health situation in our country, and if there was any way I could help to make the country a better place I would grab the moment in an instant. But, I'm glad that I now have options. It was such an awful feeling in undergrad when the paradigm was "med or nothing". I was constantly meditating on the many issues that came about with that line of thinking. Did I make a wrong choice by choosing a field that I loved? Were the past four years a waste of time? Did I learn any critical skills that I could use in the real world? Where am I gonna use evolutionary theory when I get a job? Why aren't there any good jobs for BS Biology graduates in our country? Now, things look a little brighter. My job is more than capable of sustaining my current life style, and now I can proceed to plotting my life out ahead. I'm happy that I'm not doing a job only for the sake of making money, since that would make this part of my life pretty directionless. Now I can settle and slowly make head way once I've decided on what I want to do. I'm truly happy that I've fallen into these circumstances. I'd thank God if he were real, but you know he's not hahaha. In a way, I'm happy for everything I've done in college, since it all set me up for this moment in my life. Now, it's a new chapter, and thus, now is the moment to start preparing for the future, whatever that may be. I can now cross the bridge when I get there. Right now, I should just live in the moment. And right now, the moment is just amazing. :)

In the end, I'm happy to be independent. It's done so much for me. I smoke and drink so much less now. I've learned to become responsible with my time and money. I'm no longer Mr. Tardy. I've stopped buying useless shit (though I did splurge a little after my paycheck arrived mehehe). I'm becoming more organized with my life and I've lessened my cramming habits. Work and independence have been good for me. I think work will help me reach my full potential as a person. Screwing up has direct repercussions on both me and the entity that I work for, both short and long term, so I don't do things lightly. I embrace it, since I know my full potential, cause god damn it I'm an awesome person, despite what any of you might think or however you might judge me. :)

As for my love life. Hahaha. I've moved on from J. I'll be honest it was a lot faster than anticipated. I guess the lack of communication for the past month or so helped get her out of my system. It feels great right now. Looking back, she made perfect sense. If we did try to date it'd be for nought since I'm just sooooooo busy with work now. I wish her all the best, since it looks like she's dating someone or something. I'm happy for her. I wish I could still be friends with her, but it seems like she wants nothing to do with me. Ah well. As John Mayer said, Friends lovers or nothing, there can only be one. :)) There is this girl I fancy at work though. E's her name. She's quite a character. She falls under my type criteria. I'd go for her but there are a few things holding me back. First, she's kinda had a thing for this other colleague at work, and I don't want to stir shit up at work since I'm new. Second thing. I'm new. Hahaha. I'd be such a troll to hit on someone I've barely met. Third thing. I've never dated anyone older than me. She's fricking 24. Hahaha. Age doesn't matter but I still need to get used to the whole dynamic. Haha. We'll see how things go. Though right now my life is going pretty sweet so I'm in no rush for anything. S'all good. And as she would say "trudat".

The best premed course in the Philippines (from the perspective of a UP student)

I was reading the different posts in Narinig ko sa UP (Overheard at UP) when an incoming senior high school student (don't ask how she got there, haha, but her name is Hannah Abigail Agustin) asked "What was the best premed to get into the UP College of Medicine?" From that question, I answered the clearest answer which gave her exactly what she wanted. UP Diliman's BS Psychology program. Statistically speaking, they encompass the largest chunk of qualifiers into the College of Medicine, thus making it the BS UP Med Premed course of choice, excluding Intarmed. Furthermore, being at the College of Social Sciences and Philosophy (the past AS and thus the "center" of UPD according to some pundits), they get to be at the heart of all things UP Diliman, guaranteeing them an awesome college life AND sufficiently high grades necessary for qualification in the college.

That would sufficiently answer her question (though honestly I didn't want to go into full details myself in the thread, since I'm a BS Biology major myself, and I might give the impression that I'm labeling BS Psych majors as an "easy" course for getting into UPCM, so I just said "UP Diliman Psych"). Of course, the whole thread caught on quickly, as you know how open minded and "opinionated" UP students are. And honestly, poor child, if I were there I wouldn't know who to listen to. It's not like we all have labels of credibility there. Though frankly, some of the answers there are extremely far fetched. BS Mathematics? BA Social Studies (Area Studies)? Sure, there are cases when one or two people from certain obscure courses get through. But let's be realistic here mates. We want the safest premed when we choose a degree. Something that more or less gives us a direct path to it. Thus, here is a rough criteria for choosing degree programs ideal for pre-medicine:

(1) It prepares you for medicine, providing a background on the sciences that are usually taught in medical schools, such as, but not limited to, the following: Anatomy, Physiology, Biochemistry, Microbiology.
(2) It allows you to get sufficiently HIGH grades for entry into the best medical schools. (You'll need at least cum laude for UP College of Medicine).
(3) It prepares you for the National Medical Admission Test, or NMAT. (90 is the minimum for UP CM. Most applicants have 99 or 99+)
(4) It provides you with a sufficient fallback if ever you fail to pursue medicine for some reason unbeknownst to me at this present time. (You can't just sulk if you don't go to med.)
(5) It interests you. (unless you just want to sleep in your classes all day)

Background and Grades, the premed uncertainty principle

Honestly, for most people (even UP students) no one course suits all of that criteria, with #1 and #2 being extremely difficult to reconcile (The health sciences courses, ideally the courses that prepare you the most for medicine, are notoriously difficult. To put it into perspective, UP Diliman, the flagship campus, had 15 Summa Cum Laudes. Meanwhile, UP Manila, the health sciences campus, only had 2, Paco and Bea, BS Biochemistry and Biology, respectively). I suppose if I were to break up the courses, I'd say there were three kinds of courses. Note: some courses don't fall into these criteria and thus will not be mentioned here. This is pretty much based on the popular premeds of choice.

A.) An "easy" course (I'm using the term lightly since no course is truly easy) that prepares you least for medicine. - I would put BS Psychology, Anthropology, Education here, since you can get a really high GWA with relatively less effort. I would also include courses like Area Studies, Behavioral Sciences and Development Studies (offered in UP Manila) since there is always at least one person from these courses that slips past. Employment is variable, depending on your specialization really, but it's usually corporate.

B.) An intermediate course which gives you a rough idea of what to study during medicine while having the right difficulty to ensure that you can still get high grades as long as you put your back into it. - I would put my own degree, BS Biology, here, since the course is challenging (Curse you Math 17) but many of those in the batch still proceeded to graduate with honors (with one summa). I would include BS Public Health and BS Medical Technology in this too since they also have relatively more Latin honor graduates than other courses in the health sciences. I'd also put BS Biochemistry and Chemistry here too, since they still garner plenty of cum laudes, though their course is honestly also quite difficult (though they don't have duty, so I wouldn't class it under the next criteria). These are usually the pure science courses, which usually require masters for decent employment opportunities.

C.) A hard course (health course usually) that can completely prepare you for the lifestyle (yes it's a lifestyle) of the health sciences and professions though usually has a toll on one's grades since the subjects are both physically (duty) and mentally (hard) taxing, and there are some rumors about profs deliberately lowering grades (curving down? is there such a word? haha) to discourage their graduates from going to medicine. - BS Nursing is the epitome of this. Graduates have pretty much already worked with doctors at this point, and some of them even chastise interns. Basically anything in the health sciences falls under this. Nursing. Pharmacy. Physical Therapy. I suppose Public Health would fall under this as well, but I separated them since they usually do well enough to proceed with medicine anyway, while people who usually pursue the other courses here usually just stick with their chosen career. BS Molecular Bio and Biotech also falls in here, since I've heard they have a high mortality rate. The ADVANTAGE of these courses however is that you have a definite fall back if you don't proceed to medicine (providing you past your licensure exams mehehe).

The NMAT

What about the NMAT? Honestly, the NMAT is a really easy exam. If you've taken the UPCAT, it's exactly the same, taken four years later. Thus, you would have grown more intellectually, and thus the exam gets easy. I included it in the criteria since I've noticed that some courses do better in the NMAT than others (I think BS Biology excels the most, with only their Social Sciences pulling them down, but other degree like PH, Bio/Chem, and anything science related also garner high scores). Generally, a BS degree should give you all the necessary information you will need to ace the NMAT. It's just a matter of preparing for the exam, and just using your wits (half of it is an IQ test, so I'm sure you'll know how you'll do there). There are plenty of review centers as well, but honestly the best thing to do is just listen in class when the pertinent NMAT subjects are taught to you :)

Fallbacks

As for fall backs. Well, honestly, the best courses for falling back on are the ones with a firm industry. I would say the health sciences are the most secure in terms of job security among the other courses I've mentioned above. The sciences (both pure and social) would usually entail two tracks of careers, academe/research, and industry/corporate. Unfortunately, some degrees lack the latter, such as my own BS Biology degree, making job finding rather difficult if you fail to pursue medicine or other graduate degrees. I'm lucky I found a job at the Mind Museum hahaha. If you have the money to pursue medicine though, this shouldn't be a factor. You should take the last factor into consideration, which is interest in your chosen premed, just in case you start to realize that med isn't really for you after all.

Interest

Interest. Interest. Interest. Basically, you need interest in the course for two reasons. One, you're going to be willing to study the degree and all its components despite having no intention of pursuing it as a career in the future. Two, you wouldn't mind pursuing it if you decide you don't want medicine anymore. Put it into perspective. Your real preparation for your intended career doesn't begin until you're around 20-22. You're just preparing for your preparation during your undergraduate degree. You better fricking like it. So, you choose a course that really intrigues you. I chose BS Biology in 2008 since I loved Biology in high school and since I honestly didn't mind pursuing a research and or academic career if I didn't pursue medicine. Oddly enough that's what happened, but I have no regrets whatsoever, since my job in the Mind Museum looks extremely promising and very rewarding.

So, I can't decide your premed for you. But I can give you a rough guideline on how to choose the ideal premed for you. :) I hope anyone who reads this learns from it :)

Things to remember when applying for the College of Medicine in UP.

The thread in question was written due to one's certain interest in UP's College of Medicine. Thus, here are some pointers that you must take into consideration if you ever plan to pursue this.

1. UP tries to democratize admissions. - What does this mean? It just means that it tries to get as many people from as different backgrounds as possible. Thus they put a quota on the number of Bio students, and try to get in some students from different backgrounds, such as Computer Science, Dev Stud, Fine Arts, etc. Of course, grades and NMAT are the absolute criteria with these courses as well, so if you decide on pursuing these courses, do your best.
2. It's harder for girls to get in. - WHAT!?! That's sexist! Here me out. Girls usually have higher grades than boys. Unfortunately (or fortunately for boys), UP sets a 50-50 cap on the student population. Thus, girls compete among themselves, while guys do the same. As girls have higher grades, that means that the minimum grade to be in a secure spot is higher for them than for boys, making the competition a lot tougher. As for why there's a quote in the first place, no one but the insiders know. Perhaps it's to stop a male drought? Perhaps it's because women tend to get pregnant and stop studying? I don't know.
3. There are 160 slots total. - 40 are automatically allocated to the Intarmed, leaving 120 slots, 60 for each sex. 10 of those in a batch would be MD/PHD students who opted for the 8 year program :)
4. BS Psych usually gets the most applicants - They usually garner around 30 slots per batch. BS Bio UPD gets around 20, while Bio UPM gets around 15 into the college.
5. Some have it lucky. - There are certain slots allocated to the children of UP doctors. They're affectionately called "anak ng diyos". Just keep this in mind.
6. UP has RSA (Return Service Agreement) - You need to serve the Philippines for 2-3 years, within 5 years, before you go and do whatever you want in your life. Haha. Think of it like this. UP is subsidized by the government, so you're technically a government investment. They need to maximize their cash, so you can't blame them for doing this.
7. There are also allocated slots of people from the provinces. - UP Med has something called the Regionalization program, where they get one person from each region to study in the college, and send them back to the provinces to do their return service. If you're from the province, you're lucky. :)
8. Study study study. - Grades are more or less 80% of the criteria used for selecting whether you get into UP. You're gonna need at least a cum laude to get in, and if you're from a school other than UP, you better be a magna or summa. :)
9. Your CV doesn't mean anything. - Unlike ASMPH, which asks you to submit a CV, and UST which requires certification from your different organizations, UP doesn't ask for that. There are only three things they look at, your grades, your NMAT, and your interview. I suppose what you did on your CV will help you on the interview, but aside from that, just study if you really want to get into UP.
10. UP isn't the only med school - There are many others, so if ever you don't get in, there are plenty other ways to serve the people. Patients won't care where you graduated from. And honestly, if you want to get into UP solely because it's UP, then honestly you're not the kind of student that deserves to get into UP. :)

Hope it all helps :)

Nothing good happens after 2 AM.

May 21, 00:38. I've been tempted to write this specific entry for so long now. Excerpts of it has been stored in my phone for weeks, while other parts have been archived in some blog entries that I can't be arsed to complete The rest of my thoughts in this entry have been ruminating in the back of my head for weeks and weeks. So perhaps you could say that this is a culmination of all the feelings I've been experiencing since the 15th of April 2013. It's been one hell of a emotional roller coaster ride for me in all honesty, not only in terms of my feelings for her but also due to the confounding factors that have been bothering my life as of late. As of now I'm writing this in a Notepad file (while waiting for the 8th episode of GoT to finish downloading), if ever this gets uploaded in the long run, then it means that I've kinda reached my limit and I just want to make sense of everything. 

So where do I begin. Here's the situation since we last truly left off. I wrote a blog entry more or less a month ago, entitled "Continuation of Conundrums". I don't know why I wrote that. It's not usually in my nature to be all mushy and shit. Perhaps I was panicked? Panicked at the thought of letting this amazing girl go. Maybe I thought I had a chance? I mean, can you blame me? Gambler's fallacy, I've had a bad streak, perhaps it would start getting better. Maybe I was just being an assuming little git, I mean, the few dates we had were amazing on my end, perhaps I just assumed you 

enjoyed my company as much as I did yours (looking back you probably didn't, I mean how else would it end up like this). Perhaps I paid attention to too many minor details, like how we both liked Doctor Who and football, among many others. Basically, I thought that writing the blog was the right thing to do. I can't really remember what was going through my mind then now. I think I wrote it as I usually wrote my blog, as a secret diary meant to be shared to no one but my closest confidants. No one was supposed to know, it would have been just mine to read and linger on and laugh about. But then Past Will got caught up in his emotions, and he sent the URL to her, with no foresight of the potential consequences. YOLO perhaps? I know she hates that term. Perhaps it should be PIYOLO. Putang Ina You Only Live Once. And putang ina talaga. After sharing that link, my hits rose up a hundred fold, and it was clear that my secret blog was no longer a secret, at least for some people. My outlet. My diary. Pretty much the hidden, sensitive, vulnerable side of Mr. William Derek Fidel Rozee, being shared to people I barely, or hell, people I really didn't even know. Oh the agony on my part. But I let it slide. I really did. Perhaps she just meant that much to me. Girls are girls, they have to share these things with their friends, family, cliques, support system, or whatever you wanna call it. So it was cool. I'm the laughing stock of a bunch of people I don't even know. But it's all good. You know?

A few days later, the morning prior to Bionight, we decided to talk things through. She made it clear that she wasn't looking for the kind of thing that I was insinuating(seemed liked a bad thing eh haha) in that blog entry. She wasn't looking for anything serious. She wasn't in that point in her life to settle with someone just yet. Furthermore, I'm a fresh graduate, who's either going back to Pampanga or perhaps working somewhere, so it wouldn't work out anyway. I'm a rational guy, honestly I am. I'm the guy who broke up with my ex so I could focus on orgs and academics. It isn't pretty, but it makes sense. And when you have a good argument, I concede, since that's what people should do. Honestly, I saw where she was coming from. So we agreed to be just friends. Somehow I got pushed into the friendzone, but whatever. Perhaps a small part of me still had that glimmer of hope that somehow it would work out some time? Maybe, I dunno. Anyway, honestly I was hurt, but I was more than happy to stay as friends, as long as I had her in my life somehow. Let me just put it like this, this girl is AMAZING. I was happy and grateful in knowing that someone that amazing could even exist. If miracles were true, she was the embodiment, cause I swear she has it all. And anyway, I would have been perfectly happy just being friends with her. Honestly, just knowing her is an honor for me. Creepy I know, but that's how much I hold her in esteem. (If you read this you better be flattered :P) 

Days went by, we didn't talk much, it's understood, it's summer break, she's in Batangas and she's caught up with friends, video games, whatever, especially since she doesn't really text much. Then the day came. April 15, 2013. My birthday. Quite frankly, I never really cared much for my birthday. The day was just supposed to be an uneventful day. Just sorting out my paperwork for grad school or work, and perhaps drinking with friends right after. Eventually I ended up at Beach House in La Salle with Boli, Lolay, and some professors. It was fun, we had donuts, we had booze, the stories were fun, it was turning out to be an ok day after all. At 19:43, and honestly after quite a few pitchers, I get a text message like this. 

"Happy birthday pogiiiii. Haha joke lang. - jmlm <3 <3 <3 "if you're happy and you know clap you're hands!" "happy birtday to you are the one who makes me happy birthday to you are the one who makes me happy birthday to you...""

How the hell was I supposed to interpret that? This was drunk Will reading mind you, and he was all giddy and shit particularly since he was feeling the GV vibes from his birthday. The conversation was odd, I won't go deep into it here, but it reached a point when she was asking me to go there. Being the silly hopeless drunk romantic that I am, I left my friends and my birthday celebration, and went straight to her condo. 

She opened the door and gave me a look that pretty much said "what the fuck are you doing here at this time of night?". Well, perhaps it was just drunk Will thinking that. I dunno. Basically though she wasn't expecting me there. I sensed some foul play involved. I asked her directly, "Have you been using your phone for the past hour or so?" and she said no. Boom. My world shattered right there and then. I felt like I was flushing in the face out of sheer shame and embarrassment. I felt like such a total fool. That was the most embarrassing moment in my entire life bar none. That, coupled with the alcohol, probably made me mad as well. I mean who the hell wants to be trolled? Made a total fool? About something like that? On their birthday? I mean for God's sake, I was in the process of moving on. Then some friends just decided to mess me up and keep me wishing for something. I left my dearest college friends and my birthday celebration for nothing but false hopes and utter humiliation. I told her straight (and honestly bluntly) that someone's been messing with me and it was an awful time to do that, since I was drunk and it just isn't the right day to prank someone that bad. I left what I brought her and just went home, finishing my fresh pack of Luckies as I walked all the way back to my apartment. Looking back, I feel sorry about my bluntness and anger then. But honestly, can you blame me?

We didn't talk for a couple of days. Eventually I couldn't take it and I asked her through SMS if we could talk. We texted and it seemed like we were in good terms. I guess it seemed like we could be friends again after that. Days passed. I tried communicating a few times. One time she did reply and eventually that trailed off into nothing once again. I kept myself occupied by trying to look for jobs in Manila. I saw her a few times around campus when I needed to sort out paperwork, but I dunno if it was me just being paranoid or if my hunch is true, but I couldn't help but feel that she was trying to get me off her back. I know she doesn't text often, I've noticed that, but sometimes I can't help but get the feeling that she wants nothing to do with me now. I'm just a friend, I understand that. I have no right place to demand for attention or a place in your life.  But I dunno, friends should talk somehow, shouldn't they? Sometimes I think it's just one way. Perhaps I'm just ephemeral, someone who's just supposed to be there for a short time and then poof, vanish. I know you prefer personal contact over texting or Facebook but I can't just show up at your condo and say hi, can I? It just doesn't make sense to me. You used to be so warm, and now you're just so....cold. Did I do anything wrong? Was it something I said? Perhaps it's my twitter account and all the drama shit, though honestly I just rant about love life for a laugh. Or perhaps you just treat all your friends this way. Or perhaps you just don't want me around. If you don't, I understand. Just please, please tell me straight. I just want to know your side. 

As for love life. Haha. She set the bar too high for me, honestly. Right now I'm not even looking anymore. I don't really need it in this point of my life. I have bigger shit to worry about. For starters I need to find a job. Manila. Pampanga. Wherever. I need to start saving up for med school since I don't want to put this off any longer. Perhaps work will keep me occupied somehow. Cause honestly, just being stuck here with my thoughts, my fags and my booze is driving me crazy. 

At times I believe this is just bad karma for the girls that I hurt in the past. If ever it is, I now know how it feels and God I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I hate the anguish I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks. It’s unbearable. I broke down at Kyle’s grad party because honestly it’s just been too heavy to carry this cross. Perhaps somehow, things will get better. As for everyone I hurt in the past, no words can describe how sorry I am, and I’ll never hurt anyone ever again. FML.

Fuck it, it's 3:15. This is going on my blog. Night.

The world is full of kings and queens who blind your eyes and steal your dreams. 
- Ronnie James Dio

Beauty

This Beauty is first of all eternal; it neither comes into being nor passes away; neither waxes nor wanes; next it is not beautiful in part and ugly in part, nor beautiful at one time and ugly at another, nor beautiful in this relation and ugly in that, nor beautiful here and ugly there, as varying according to its beholders; nor again will this beauty appear to the imagination like the beauty of a face or hands or anything else corporeal, or like the beauty of a thought or science, or like beauty which has its seat in something other than itself, be it in a living thing or the earth or the sky or anything else whatsoever; he will see it as absolute, existing alone within itself, unique, eternal.

- Diotima of Mantinea, Plato's Symposium