No rest for the wicked

Isaiah 57:20 "But the wicked are like the troubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up mire and dirt."

Am I one of the wicked? Do I deserve these restless nights of painful thoughts and agonizing memories? I lie in my bed, thinking about all the things I've done, all the things I should have done, and all the things I ought to do. My thoughts bother me, like an acid seeping through the layers of my skin. My thoughts hinder me, crippling me, preventing me from moving on and being productive. They enslave me, binding me to the walls of my solemn, melancholic mind. I long for peace, peace to end this torment which has gone on for far too long. I need release, release from all this suffering that has been gnawing at my mind and soul for what seems like an eternity.

As I fall asleep, my dreams torment me, amplifying my dreads and showing that my subconscious feels the same way. Upon my waking, I feel just as tired as before I fell to slumber. Alcohol fails to numb the pain, and smoking momentarily provides me with relief before aggravating it with hypertension and alertness. And yet I continue this vice, as that momentary moment of euphoria upon inhaling that sweet burst of nicotine is the only glee that keeps me going as I face these demons in life.

There is one other thing that gives me happiness. She does. She fills me up with momentous joy the likes that I have never felt since I first knew what love could be. If I were to picture cloud 9, it wouldn't be the same without her beautiful face which brightens up my soul brighter than a thousand suns. No drug, no substance, no chemical, no hormone could come close to how she makes me feel when she passes by. And hearing her voice, her marvelous voice, makes me swoon like two destined love birds separated by a cage. Her beautiful smile acts like a key to my soul, opening me up and leaving me vulnerable. Put this all together, and you have an angel from heaven, an Aphrodite on Earth, a real-life Venus. Oh how I long for you.

Yet, she is unaware of how much she means to me. She is oblivious to how I feel for her. She shrugs off my advances as though it's nothing, like I'm some sales agent that need be ignored to get me out of her hair. My words mean nothing to her, and she prevents me from making any actions. I often dream about her, longing to embrace her in my arms and feel the soft fragrance of her skin and hair next to mine. I must put more effort into this but something is holding me back from it all. Is it the fact that her best friend told me not to, telling me to instead "guard my heart"? Is it because my realistic side (as well as my past) tells me that 3 months before I leave the university isn't a good time to plant the blossoms of a potential new love story (here's hoping)? Or is it fear that I may be hurt once again the same way I was hurt twice before? I don't know. All I know is, I'll keep dreaming, dreaming that someday it may come true. :) But to quote Fantine, there are dreams that can not be, and once more, I must learn to accept one more harsh reality of life.

Ironic, the thing that makes me happy also makes me even more steadily miserable. I guess it's like a drug as well, you get an extremely great high, and you can also get an extremely bad low at the end. *sigh*

On the title.

According to general chemistry, a catalyst is a substance in a reaction that lowers the required energy for the reaction to be completed. To put it in an example, supposed that you would need to heat a bunch of uncatalytic reactants to 100 C to ensure that the reaction goes through. By adding a catalyst to the reaction, the required energy will be drastically lowered to, let's say, room temperature, thus allowing the reaction to go through easily. Thus, the "catalyst" pushes the reaction forward, allowing it to go through despite the difficult circumstances (i.e. the high energy requirement). Thus, when someone uses the term catalyst in a societal context, it usually refers to someone who pushes for a change in his community, country and society, a brilliant analogy to the chemical definition.

Meanwhile, the term conundrum has multiple definitions. The first one simple means a riddle. A conundrum is a feisty riddle, usually tricky to answer and in some instances derives its answer from a pun or an unexpected response. According to some quick Googling, examples of conundrums are as follows:

1. What is round, hard, and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas that you can hang a hat on it? His head.
2. What four-letter word ending in K means "intercourse"? "Talk"
3. What is it that a man can do standing up, a women sitting down, and a dog on three legs? Shake hands
4. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of? Legs

What were you thinking eh? Cheeky sod. Then again, I'm a cheeky sod myself, as most of my friends would know, hence it's quite appropriate. Of course, the other definition of conundrum is the most serious one, pertaining to a serious problem that is extremely bothersome, intricate and difficult to solve. It can be academic, such as the conundrum as to how the Stonehenge or the Easter Island Moai were built; it may also be personally, such as how a smart yet financially compromised student will be able to pursue medicine. I love the word. For starters it sounds so deep. Just say it. Conundrum. But more importantly the dichotomy of the word, its foolhardy first meaning and its deeper serious meaning, strikes me as amazing. The English language does play its tricks doesn't it? (Damn you Shakespeare, knowing history you probably came up with this word, among the many other highfalutin words in our lexicon!)

So you're given my title, Catalytic Conundrums. What does this imply? Hopefully this blog will move my readers in the same way a catalyst moves a reaction. Perhaps not the sort of "mobilize to the streets" kind of move similar to some other blogs I know but perhaps it'll move you emotionally. Hence the second part of the tale, conundrums. I rant on this blog, tell my stories, give my advice, and perhaps opt to send messages to people in the future. They can be happy or sad, whatever happens in my life, or whichever strikes my fancy, after all, life goes up and down all the time, if it didn't, you'd be dead. Either way, they may fall under either (or both) of conundrum's definitions. I hope that in the future, the discussions of this blog may truly be an instigator, or catalyst of critical thought among its readers, and then my friends, I would feel satisfied.

As for the not so average being, I just needed something to fill the gap in my title, but in all honesty, there's no such thing as an average person in anything, is there? :)

Recent developments

Yesterday started out really horribly. I woke up at 7:30 am, 30 minutes pass the start of my economic botany class. I hurriedly prepared, hoping to just make it to the lecture and attendance call, and upon arriving I see them all answering test papers. Shit. I quickly get my own answer sheet and there and then realized that I was going to flunk that quiz so fricking bad. *sigh* Well, I hope I can make up on it in future quizzes, I got a good score on my first quiz considering I barely studied for it, though this quiz is definitely going to fuck up my chances for the highest possible marks.

Aside from that, my day wasn't too bad. It was long, granted, a lot of things happened yesterday than expected. Frustratingly I did miss out on a lot of things since a lot of it was held at the exact same time (4-6). HS+PM meeting, UPOE GA, BIGKIS-UPM GA, BSS Med Orientation Seminar. Eventually I opted to go to the latter, cause admittedly, that is the most important event involving my life and my future. Everything else is just strictly for socio civic interest, which in all honesty isn't as big of a part of my life as it used to be. The seminar went well, but since it started late and was slightly disorganized it ended up finishing around 8-8:30. Despite that, I learned so much regarding the different med school applications, particular the UP College of Medicine and Ateneo School of Medicine and Public Health.

Upon my contemplation last Thursday night, I opted to just apply for three medical schools, namely, UPCM, ASMPH and UERMMMCI. The first I chose for obvious reasons, it's the best, it's the cheapest, and it has the environment that I have grown to love since I came to Manila in 2009. This is still ideally my first med school of choice, and I'd do ANYTHING to get in. As a safety net, I applied for the other two. ASMPH I applied for for three reasons. The first is its similarity to the University of the Philippines. They have the same lecturers, they also share the same curriculum (OSI-Organ System Integration), and most of the students in "the ateneo" come from UP, so it shouldn't be much of a shock. The second reason I picked it is due to their financial aid program, which is based on need as well as academics. I'm hoping to god my financial status, which used to allow me to obtain 70% subsidy in UP, would be enough to allow me to get 100% of in ASMPH. Med school is hella expensive, and a mere 70% would be insufficient to help us get through med school. x_x I'm hoping my decent NMAT score (99 without studying! boo yah!) would help me scrap through though, as I've heard rumours that there are 3,800 applicants this year vying for a slot among the 160 to be offered in ASMPH. Last choice is UERM. Originally I was rather skeptical about this school, preferring to opt for St Lukes College of Medicine. However, visiting there made me feel extremely at home. The people were nice, and the biology alumni were extremely numerous. PLUS THE CHICKS HAHAHA. I heard there are partial scholarships, plus scholarships for those who are in financial difficulty, but I'll found out more about those once I've done my interview.

 I'll talk about the last two med schools in Manila that I considered but eventually opted not to proceed to due to a talk with Masaki regarding these things. The first would be St Lukes College of Medicine. A lot of people were really encouraged to apply to this school when they attended the open house last October. After all, the facilities are extremely top notch, the passing rate has been consistently high and most importantly, the scholarships are extremely generous. After going there, even I was starting to see myself as a Lukan (though I really despise that term). However, not to bash St Lukes, as I'll always consider it a great medical school, but I started to hear a lot of rumours about it. First, I heard that there's extreme selectivity regarding those who take the board exam, i.e., that not all are allowed to take the board. Troublesome. Second. I heard that the scholarships are extremely difficult to maintain, with no mercy with regards to financial status and other factors that may prevent you from continuing med and/or maintaining a scholarship. Third. The curriculum, though novel, doesn't seem to shine through for me, as it just seems to be a traditional curriculum with a few "integration concepts". I'm not to keen on trad myself to be honest, preferring the OSI curriculum as well as a PBL based approach. Which brings me to the next med school, PLM-CM. According to Von, it feels right at home being there. However, I'm actually bothered about that. Right at home was homey, but it was also shit. Facilities were bad and lacking, and I heard even more so at PLM-CM. Plus, the tuition fee is way out of my league. 66, 000? Ain't nobody in my family got cash for that! Granted, it was my own stupid fault for not getting all the paper work sorted out when I could have done it ages ago, such as getting my cedula and voters ID sorted out. Oh well. I guess PLM would have been a good choice for me to be honest, but I passed up on that, with regret, admittedly, but it's alright. I can always apply the year after if I don't proceed to medicine, which is one of my options. Mom wants me to try out for AUF-SOM, but I don't want to go back to Pampanga. I can get a FULL scholarship there with my awesome NMAT (lol) but it just doesn't sit well with me. It's either Manila for Med or not at all.

I'll continue my tirades another time.

Restlessness

I had a long nap after eating a Big Mac, Fries and a medium sized Coca-Cola. Right now I'm extremely restless. I swear, there's so much for me to do but I have no idea how to begin things. Sometimes, I just want to let go of all my responsibilities and just observe everything a la wall flower style. It'll definitely be less tiring, letting go of all the weight and the physical, mental and emotional investments that are causing my seemingly chronic depression.

I hate taking my afternoon naps though. They end up keeping me up all night thinking about everything that's been going on in my life for the past 8 years in high school and college. I mean everything. Everything pivotal that has dictated what I'm doing at this very moment right now:

• Opting not to pursue the Lazatin Scholarship at AUF-IS
• Death of my father.
• Loss of my LMSI scholarship due to failing to meet their stupid requirements.
• Continuing to strive to achieve good grades for three good years.
• Taking and passing the UPCAT.
• Getting with my first girlfriend.
• Winning the Ten Outstanding Secondary Students of Angeles City (TOSSA) Award and graduating as Valedictorian.
• Entering the University of the Philippines, Manila as a BS Biology student.
• Joining Handog.
• Breaking up with my first girlfriend. 
• Nearly failing Math 17. 
• Getting an appendectomy.
• Joining BIGKIS-UPM and running under their slate. 
• Winning a position in the College of Arts and Sciences Student Council (unopposed after all). 
• Joining the Freshman Block Coordination Program and handling my beloved kids. 
• Discovering that the United Kingdom will no longer support my family's living expenses, essentially leaving us for fucking broke.
• Becoming an atheist (albeit still closet til this day to some people).
• Getting a four in Math 100 and resolving to do better in academics. 
• Joining the BIOMAS and BMAP executive committee. 
• Finally passing Math 100. 
• Toxic 2011. 
• Getting with my second girlfriend. 
• Opting to run and suddenly back out. 
• The beginning of my smoking habit.
• Nearly failing Bio 133. 
• Opting to join other organisations executive committees as compensation for my frustration in not running.
• Breaking up with my second girlfriend.
• Frustratingly failing to reach my target mark, and doubting whether I'd get in my med school of choice after all.
• Toxic 2012
• Thesis. Thesis. Thesis. 
• Opting to take extra electives as a background for a potential masters track. 
• Med school applications. 
• Swoon.

I've been through a lot for the past few years, and I'd have to say that the four years of college have been the most important in my life. Never have I experienced so much learning, both inside and outside the classroom, not only academically and critically but, of course, real life lessons as well. I never knew life could be so hard. In high school, though I knew life was hard I always thought my life had a sort of direction, that I'd be getting somewhere, that I'm special. Now, I'm just at a loss. I have no idea what I'll be doing in my life come 5-10 years from now. There are things that I would like to do but I don't know if I can do it under the my chosen set of ideal circumstances. The 10 year plan may reach 15 years or so, or even more. The pain I've experienced throughout my 8 years is more than most people should ever have to experience during these years of development. Academic distress, financial turmoil, death of loved ones, and a disastrous love life. Oh life.

At times I just want to crawl under a rock and die. As Robert Green Ingersoll once said "They who stand with breaking hearts around this little grave, need have no fear. The larger and the nobler faith in all that is, and is to be, tells us that death, even at its worst, is only perfect rest ... The dead do not suffer.". Often, I envy the dead. Granted, one is unable to commune with them but at least they're forever at peace. That's all I want. Peace. Security. Happiness. Stability. I just want the one opportunity of sentience and consciousness to be well spent with no regrets. I never asked to be rich, I grew up never asking for anything and always being content with whatever I had. Alas, even simple pleasures are hard to come by. 

I pray for release. I'm desperate. I just need sleep. 

(My writing is rather rough now, I apologize for it, it shall improve over time once I've gotten back into it.)

And so it begins.....

As of 19:50, on the 17th of January, I've opted to resume a long lost hobby of mine, i.e., writing a blog. It's been years since I wrote a regular blog (around 4 me thinks?) and though I may occasionally update my old blog, it would only be for extreme situations such as lamenting the loss of a dear relative or ranting about the epitome of hell weeks in university. Now, as my academic load gets lighter, and the real problems in life start to get heavier, I felt that it was high time that I proceeded to talk about these things in an outlet that alcohol, marijuana and tobacco fail to help alleviate. Writing. As Lamarckian doctrine states in his use and disuse theory, as a trait is constantly disused it will eventually be lost, and as my writing abilities were quite commendable in high school, I hope not to lose it by the constant mundane writing that college has imbibed in me (curse you science!).

So here's the start of a new beginning. It's quite appropriate I believe, it's more or less the start of a new year, and there are surely many tales to talk about, both new and old, for the next few months and years of my life. It's also near the end of a very crucial chapter of my existence, and once I cross that barrier there shall be even more things to talk about in medical school. It's interesting when you reach turning points in your life, cause it's at these moments when you tend to contemplate and look back on all the things that have gone by. You cry, you laugh, you weep, you cherish, and it's all good. So I hope I can look back on these moments, and hopefully have a smile cross my face at the end of it all. :) In the mean time, my rants, my joys, my tirades, my sentiments and of course, my conundrums, shall be placed here. Please bear with me as I take this journey towards a new beginning in life.

Why arachnoid mater? People who've taken up anatomy should know what it is, and people close in my life should be able to draw the connection. :)