This blog has been compromised. The viewership of this blog has extended far beyond my intended audience, and thus the integrity of my thoughts and rants has now been tarnished. Thus, I shall no longer be updating this blog. Perhaps I'll write a new blog? If you find out, you'll know.
Kudos to everyone, and thank you for reading!
Monday, 21 October 2013
Sunday, 1 September 2013
On PDAF
I'll just give a brief two cents on the Priority Development Assistance Fund (PDAF) aka the Pork Barrel. No doubt much news has escalated over the internet with regards to the perceived corruption undertaken through this system. Many have asked about the next step that should be undertaken with regards to PDAF? Should it be abolished? Should it be reformed? If abolished, what about the ongoing projects that are being funded by pork? If it shall be reformed, how so? Will it be prone to corruption in another form?
Here's my take on the whole issue. First of all, what many people fail to realize is that we are under a presidential system. In most presidential republics, there is a concept of "separation of powers" in government. The three branches, the executive, the legislative and the judiciary, each perform respective responsibilities to ensure that efficient and transparent administration of the state. The executive is in charge of running the daily activities of the state, such as project implementation, foreign policy, heading the armed forces of the country, and other responsibilities in charge with direct administration. The legislative, in term, is in charge of passing bills, as well repealing and amending laws, which are then implemented by the executive in the daily governance of the state. Lastly, the judiciary is in charge of interpreting and applying the laws passed by legislation, particularly in criminal and civil cases. The different branches are independent in our presidential system, which prevents one branch from having too much power. The different branches serves as "checks and balances" for each other, allowing for safety mechanisms if one branch starts to "abuse" their powers or office, such as in the case of the Senate being in charge of Corona's impeachment. Personally, I disagree with this system of government, as I'm more for a parliamentary system akin to the Westminster system, as it keeps the government directly accountable to the people (through the dependence of the executive on the legislative, which is voted per constituency). This isn't the venue to talk about it, though I might talk about it in more detail at another time.
The Priority Development Assistance Fund (PDAF) is an appropriation given to members of the legislative branch for implementing projects. Anyone who has a basic understanding of how the government is meant to work realizes innately why PDAF shouldn't exist. The legislation is not in charge of implementing projects! We do not elect congressmen or senators to produce waiting sheds or to fund scholarships. We elect them to write laws, to represent the constituencies and produce laws that will benefit the constituencies. If one seeks to maintain the integrity of "separation of powers" then one must abolish PDAF, as this gives the executive a major sway of influence over the law making body, which may supersede the democratic processs that got those congressmen elected in the first place.
I don't give a fuck about the lost scholarships or the miscontinued projects that PDAF abolition would lead to. These should go through proper avenues, and congress isn't it. Why not allocate more funds to education? We're 3% away from the recommended 6% budget allocation given by UN? Why not allocate more funds to DILG or DPWH or DOTC? Pork is just a way of kissing up to a congressman's constituency to ensure reelection, since passing laws isn't visible enough for the general populace to see and appreciate. If they wanted to do projects, they should have run for mayor or governor instead. Alas, these positions don't have deep pockets of pork, pockets that serve to be very lucrative given the right politicking. Grr.
*sigh* When will our politics grow up?
Disclaimer: I am not a political science major, so I apologize for any errors I might have written. These are just merely opinions on my part, opinions driven partially by my own frustration with the system of government we have right now as well as my anger in knowing that the hard earned taxes that I pay for every month go to idiots who still have the time to be on television, while doing mediocre jobs as senators and keeping public money for their private coffers.
Here's my take on the whole issue. First of all, what many people fail to realize is that we are under a presidential system. In most presidential republics, there is a concept of "separation of powers" in government. The three branches, the executive, the legislative and the judiciary, each perform respective responsibilities to ensure that efficient and transparent administration of the state. The executive is in charge of running the daily activities of the state, such as project implementation, foreign policy, heading the armed forces of the country, and other responsibilities in charge with direct administration. The legislative, in term, is in charge of passing bills, as well repealing and amending laws, which are then implemented by the executive in the daily governance of the state. Lastly, the judiciary is in charge of interpreting and applying the laws passed by legislation, particularly in criminal and civil cases. The different branches are independent in our presidential system, which prevents one branch from having too much power. The different branches serves as "checks and balances" for each other, allowing for safety mechanisms if one branch starts to "abuse" their powers or office, such as in the case of the Senate being in charge of Corona's impeachment. Personally, I disagree with this system of government, as I'm more for a parliamentary system akin to the Westminster system, as it keeps the government directly accountable to the people (through the dependence of the executive on the legislative, which is voted per constituency). This isn't the venue to talk about it, though I might talk about it in more detail at another time.
The Priority Development Assistance Fund (PDAF) is an appropriation given to members of the legislative branch for implementing projects. Anyone who has a basic understanding of how the government is meant to work realizes innately why PDAF shouldn't exist. The legislation is not in charge of implementing projects! We do not elect congressmen or senators to produce waiting sheds or to fund scholarships. We elect them to write laws, to represent the constituencies and produce laws that will benefit the constituencies. If one seeks to maintain the integrity of "separation of powers" then one must abolish PDAF, as this gives the executive a major sway of influence over the law making body, which may supersede the democratic processs that got those congressmen elected in the first place.
I don't give a fuck about the lost scholarships or the miscontinued projects that PDAF abolition would lead to. These should go through proper avenues, and congress isn't it. Why not allocate more funds to education? We're 3% away from the recommended 6% budget allocation given by UN? Why not allocate more funds to DILG or DPWH or DOTC? Pork is just a way of kissing up to a congressman's constituency to ensure reelection, since passing laws isn't visible enough for the general populace to see and appreciate. If they wanted to do projects, they should have run for mayor or governor instead. Alas, these positions don't have deep pockets of pork, pockets that serve to be very lucrative given the right politicking. Grr.
*sigh* When will our politics grow up?
Disclaimer: I am not a political science major, so I apologize for any errors I might have written. These are just merely opinions on my part, opinions driven partially by my own frustration with the system of government we have right now as well as my anger in knowing that the hard earned taxes that I pay for every month go to idiots who still have the time to be on television, while doing mediocre jobs as senators and keeping public money for their private coffers.
On hindsight.
I suppose many of us have ruminated on the possibility of meeting up with your past self when you reach a pivotal age in your life. We've all had dreams and aspirations growing up, and the more idealistic among us tend to set goals, or "things I should have accomplished at this point in my life", failing to realize, due to our naiveity and immaturity, that life never gives us what we want on a silver platter, and that the so called priorities and ambitions that one has a child are never set in stone. Growing up exposes you to a variety of stimuli and influences, some of which may steer your life in a direction Furthermore, we barely know any better as children (I use this term loosely), and thus our ambitions in life tend to be narrow, juvenile and extremely idealistic.
Throughout my childhood I was miles ahead of my peers, who either lacked the motivation to be successful in life or already had their futures set in stone (coming from rich, Caucasian or Chinese families, it's hard to blame them). Because of this, and partially due to my parent's influence, I groomed myself into pursuing a medical career. Whenever I'd need to go to the doctor, I'd exhibit the enthusiasm not usually seen in those afflicted by illness, due to my excitement to ask our family doctors all sorts of questions about the field of medicine.
I became extremely fond of biology in high school, enamored by the elegance of life and its rich diversity, as well as the brilliance in which organisms have organized themselves from such humble beginnings. Perhaps this was due to watching Nat Geo, Discovery and Animal Planet throughout my childhood? That wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. I loved studying evolution, and how brilliant minds like Lamarck and Darwin sought to explain the reason as to how life came to be how it is today, and I enjoyed the computational aspects of genetics, and how ingenius Mendel was with his Pisum breeding experiments. Despite this enamoration for biology, I still had medicine in mind for the long run. But deep down, a fascination for the pure science of biology remained, so when I filed out my UPCAT and USTET forms, I put BS Biology as my first choice for both, with the mentality that if I was not going to pursue medicine, I wouldn't want to be involved in the health sciences at all, as I would refuse to work underneath doctors, knowing that if I had the opportunity I should be working alongside them, not under them.
College was an eye-opener for me. For starters, my world view changed. Let's backtrack a little bit. When I was in late elementary, around 10-12 years of age, I started becoming internet savvy. This, couple with the facts that I loved Pokemon and that I was still living in a culturally "English" household led me to join a British Pokemon website known as pkmn.co.uk (It's now known as pkmn.net. It's still up, and my account still works, though the forums aren't as active as they used to be). The community was extremely vibrant, with numerous age groups conversing about a wide array of matters not limited to Pokemon. As a British website however, it reflected general British sentiments and popular opinions. This was when I was first introduced to atheism. One bloke, Phil Mccauley (his username was "irrevilent") was really firm on his atheism, debating the theists left, right and center. As a Catholic growing up (Dad never talked about religion, keeping his beliefs to himself, though I suspect that he was an atheist) I felt extremely offended and insulted by his arguments. But, he made sense, he made perfect sense, and it really struck me. Alas, my emotional crutch for religion and the implications of not having a god (When I die, I cease to exist?) prevented reason from getting the better of me, and I stuck with religion. Once that shimmer of doubt has been triggered in your head however, it never stops, and it just kept ticking and ticking and ticking indefinitely. Despite this, I continued to live my delusion, and even joined my local church's music ministry.
When my father died in July 2005, my faith was shaken tremendously. How could a benevolent and omnipotent God allow something like this to happen to me? The emotional turmoil distracted me from my education, and I lost my scholarship. Furthermore, my mother continued to struggle with her nicotine addiction, and the shock of my father's death lead to her developing heart conditions. Up to this day she still takes stroke medicine and blood pressure maintenance medication, and it hasn't been pleasant. I learned about theodicies, and though none of the explanations given by apologists seemed satisfyingly sound, I eventually just stuck with the faith, after all, what was there to lose? Perhaps Pascal's Wager had an influence on my naive mind, since the mathematics made sense to me at the time. Either way, it was clear, I believed in God, but I never "liked" him. I prayed, but I prayed in the sense of a slave begging to a master. There was no affection in it, and I felt like a pawn. It was not a happy time in my life.
Come college. I stopped going to church in college, and I broke up with my super-conservative girlfriend. I had no religious influences whatsoever. I learned of a group called the Filipino Freethinkers which just formed a few months prior to me going to college. I followed their blog entries avidly and was fascinated that a group could be so passionate about causes that, at first seemed odd for me, as I assumed they were a given in society, but then upon further research, I realized how necessary the fight is for them. Reason. Secularism. Science. This led me to discovering Dawkins and Hitchens, as well as watching numerous debates on Youtube with regards to secularism and the new atheist movement. This, coupled with conversations with my friends Dhainee Pfafflin and Cleve Arguelles, as well as watching Letting Go of God in the FF Film Fest, cemented the deal for me, and I finally learned to let go of God.
Upon letting go of God, I had new questions to ask. "Where did we come from, then?" I gained and garnered an extreme fascination for evolutionary biology in the latter years of my undergraduate life. I fell in love with the concepts studied in the Neo-Darwinian synthesis, and watching Creation starring Paul Bettany moved me in ways I didn't deem possible at the time. Biology made me intellectually and spiritually satisfied as an atheist, and it gave me a sense of wonder and awe about the earth and life like no other.
How does this all connect to my starting paragraph? I was a devout, aspiring doctor wannabe as a young lad, and now I'm a strong atheist, working at a science museum, and from the looks of things, I'll be pursuing an evol bio/ethology track as my career/research path of choice. Upon hindsight, it saddens me that I'm not pursuing a path that I longed for my whole life. At times I wish I could warn my past self of all the things to happen to prepare him for things ahead. In all honesty, if I knew where I'd be at this point in my life I would have done things very differently in the past. I don't want to live my life in regret. I've never been one to think of the "what ifs". I just wish I knew better in the past. I wish I had proper objective, reasoned guidance. I hated the indoctrination I had as a kid. I hate how opportunities were never opened up to me. I wish a child wasn't trusted with decisions he obviously was to naive to make. If I had children, I wouldn't bring them up like how I was brought.
*sigh* Perhaps I have more regrets than I thought. I'm just grateful that I know better now. Or at least, I'd like to think that I do.
Throughout my childhood I was miles ahead of my peers, who either lacked the motivation to be successful in life or already had their futures set in stone (coming from rich, Caucasian or Chinese families, it's hard to blame them). Because of this, and partially due to my parent's influence, I groomed myself into pursuing a medical career. Whenever I'd need to go to the doctor, I'd exhibit the enthusiasm not usually seen in those afflicted by illness, due to my excitement to ask our family doctors all sorts of questions about the field of medicine.
I became extremely fond of biology in high school, enamored by the elegance of life and its rich diversity, as well as the brilliance in which organisms have organized themselves from such humble beginnings. Perhaps this was due to watching Nat Geo, Discovery and Animal Planet throughout my childhood? That wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. I loved studying evolution, and how brilliant minds like Lamarck and Darwin sought to explain the reason as to how life came to be how it is today, and I enjoyed the computational aspects of genetics, and how ingenius Mendel was with his Pisum breeding experiments. Despite this enamoration for biology, I still had medicine in mind for the long run. But deep down, a fascination for the pure science of biology remained, so when I filed out my UPCAT and USTET forms, I put BS Biology as my first choice for both, with the mentality that if I was not going to pursue medicine, I wouldn't want to be involved in the health sciences at all, as I would refuse to work underneath doctors, knowing that if I had the opportunity I should be working alongside them, not under them.
College was an eye-opener for me. For starters, my world view changed. Let's backtrack a little bit. When I was in late elementary, around 10-12 years of age, I started becoming internet savvy. This, couple with the facts that I loved Pokemon and that I was still living in a culturally "English" household led me to join a British Pokemon website known as pkmn.co.uk (It's now known as pkmn.net. It's still up, and my account still works, though the forums aren't as active as they used to be). The community was extremely vibrant, with numerous age groups conversing about a wide array of matters not limited to Pokemon. As a British website however, it reflected general British sentiments and popular opinions. This was when I was first introduced to atheism. One bloke, Phil Mccauley (his username was "irrevilent") was really firm on his atheism, debating the theists left, right and center. As a Catholic growing up (Dad never talked about religion, keeping his beliefs to himself, though I suspect that he was an atheist) I felt extremely offended and insulted by his arguments. But, he made sense, he made perfect sense, and it really struck me. Alas, my emotional crutch for religion and the implications of not having a god (When I die, I cease to exist?) prevented reason from getting the better of me, and I stuck with religion. Once that shimmer of doubt has been triggered in your head however, it never stops, and it just kept ticking and ticking and ticking indefinitely. Despite this, I continued to live my delusion, and even joined my local church's music ministry.
When my father died in July 2005, my faith was shaken tremendously. How could a benevolent and omnipotent God allow something like this to happen to me? The emotional turmoil distracted me from my education, and I lost my scholarship. Furthermore, my mother continued to struggle with her nicotine addiction, and the shock of my father's death lead to her developing heart conditions. Up to this day she still takes stroke medicine and blood pressure maintenance medication, and it hasn't been pleasant. I learned about theodicies, and though none of the explanations given by apologists seemed satisfyingly sound, I eventually just stuck with the faith, after all, what was there to lose? Perhaps Pascal's Wager had an influence on my naive mind, since the mathematics made sense to me at the time. Either way, it was clear, I believed in God, but I never "liked" him. I prayed, but I prayed in the sense of a slave begging to a master. There was no affection in it, and I felt like a pawn. It was not a happy time in my life.
Come college. I stopped going to church in college, and I broke up with my super-conservative girlfriend. I had no religious influences whatsoever. I learned of a group called the Filipino Freethinkers which just formed a few months prior to me going to college. I followed their blog entries avidly and was fascinated that a group could be so passionate about causes that, at first seemed odd for me, as I assumed they were a given in society, but then upon further research, I realized how necessary the fight is for them. Reason. Secularism. Science. This led me to discovering Dawkins and Hitchens, as well as watching numerous debates on Youtube with regards to secularism and the new atheist movement. This, coupled with conversations with my friends Dhainee Pfafflin and Cleve Arguelles, as well as watching Letting Go of God in the FF Film Fest, cemented the deal for me, and I finally learned to let go of God.
Upon letting go of God, I had new questions to ask. "Where did we come from, then?" I gained and garnered an extreme fascination for evolutionary biology in the latter years of my undergraduate life. I fell in love with the concepts studied in the Neo-Darwinian synthesis, and watching Creation starring Paul Bettany moved me in ways I didn't deem possible at the time. Biology made me intellectually and spiritually satisfied as an atheist, and it gave me a sense of wonder and awe about the earth and life like no other.
How does this all connect to my starting paragraph? I was a devout, aspiring doctor wannabe as a young lad, and now I'm a strong atheist, working at a science museum, and from the looks of things, I'll be pursuing an evol bio/ethology track as my career/research path of choice. Upon hindsight, it saddens me that I'm not pursuing a path that I longed for my whole life. At times I wish I could warn my past self of all the things to happen to prepare him for things ahead. In all honesty, if I knew where I'd be at this point in my life I would have done things very differently in the past. I don't want to live my life in regret. I've never been one to think of the "what ifs". I just wish I knew better in the past. I wish I had proper objective, reasoned guidance. I hated the indoctrination I had as a kid. I hate how opportunities were never opened up to me. I wish a child wasn't trusted with decisions he obviously was to naive to make. If I had children, I wouldn't bring them up like how I was brought.
*sigh* Perhaps I have more regrets than I thought. I'm just grateful that I know better now. Or at least, I'd like to think that I do.
Wednesday, 14 August 2013
I dunno. I don't want to assume anything, I really don't. But I swear to god I keep getting mixed signals so I have no clue how to proceed. Maybe I'm just being played? Lol that'd be funny. Or maybe I'm just being an assuming little twat? Look Will. She's pretty much taken bro, don't think too much on it. And anyway you're dating someone else anyway so get a hold of your self. Then again, the sitch with the girl you've been dating is extremely casual (you're one among six bro hahaha) so don't think too much on that either.
Meh, have fun Will. Have fun.
Meh, have fun Will. Have fun.
Wednesday, 7 August 2013
Spontaneity
For the record, I'm just going to go all out with my blog starting from now on. Anything that comes to mind I'll write it down (if I feel like it of course). I think I can only really be truly honest with myself if I do things spontaneously. I tend to overthink and overanalyze, which eventually stops me from being true to myself. I was going through some past blog drafts that I never published, and I realized that they were truest to myself that I've ever been (then again I usually write them under the influence HAHA). So now, whenever thoughts come to mind, and they're worth writing about, no matter how absurd or controversial it may be, I should write it down. Anyway, frequency beats out length any day. (he he he)
Solitude.
My work life is honestly so much more lenient compared to my undergraduate life, leaving me with a lot of free time to myself (minus the work hours). I barely take home work from the office (after all, I'm not being paid out of work) so I only really work 45 hours a week. Coupled with the fact that my job gives me a lot of freedom, I have a lot of free time, and more importantly, free thoughts. The work place is fun, but it can only go so far as to satisfy my social needs, particularly since it's such a small foundation (we're totaling at 50 if you include everyone there, including the outsourced people) and since I'm the new kid on the block, it's not exactly easy penetrating the cliques instantly. It's all good though.
However, I won't deny that I've been feeling rather lonely as of late. I'm a guy from the province, thus my primary social circle here in the Metro revolved around my college life. Now that I've graduated from college, and all my friends have proceeded to medical school, my circle of friends has gotten really really slim. They've all found new friends, or even if they haven't, their hectic schedules in med really eats up all their time. Thus, I never get to see any of my friends. It sucks. My life has started to become routinary, I get up, I shower, go to work, do my work stuff, go home, rest, sleep. Rinse and repeat. I miss having the constant companionship I had in undergrad. I never ran out of company in college, there was always someone to hang out with, be it blockmates, org mates, coursemates, or just friends and acquaintances. Not to mention my love life was relatively more active in college. People weren't kidding when they say that college is the best time of your life.
I keep telling myself that I want to settle into my single life, save up cash, spend time and money on myself for once, and slowly plot the direction of my life right now. But a small part of me does long for companionship. A girlfriend? Perhaps. Mainly I just need someone to talk to. Have a few drinks and cigarettes with. Mental stimulation that is outside the work place (honestly with work colleagues, they're good friends but you always seem to end up talking about work, and well, it's nice to have a break from that, you know?) Company, to put it briefly. I had shit loads in college and high school. I dunno. Perhaps when I move out of Malate I'll be able to sort my life out properly. As Pecier said, I still haven't cut my UP Manila umbilical cord. Haha. Meh. Whatever.
However, I won't deny that I've been feeling rather lonely as of late. I'm a guy from the province, thus my primary social circle here in the Metro revolved around my college life. Now that I've graduated from college, and all my friends have proceeded to medical school, my circle of friends has gotten really really slim. They've all found new friends, or even if they haven't, their hectic schedules in med really eats up all their time. Thus, I never get to see any of my friends. It sucks. My life has started to become routinary, I get up, I shower, go to work, do my work stuff, go home, rest, sleep. Rinse and repeat. I miss having the constant companionship I had in undergrad. I never ran out of company in college, there was always someone to hang out with, be it blockmates, org mates, coursemates, or just friends and acquaintances. Not to mention my love life was relatively more active in college. People weren't kidding when they say that college is the best time of your life.
I keep telling myself that I want to settle into my single life, save up cash, spend time and money on myself for once, and slowly plot the direction of my life right now. But a small part of me does long for companionship. A girlfriend? Perhaps. Mainly I just need someone to talk to. Have a few drinks and cigarettes with. Mental stimulation that is outside the work place (honestly with work colleagues, they're good friends but you always seem to end up talking about work, and well, it's nice to have a break from that, you know?) Company, to put it briefly. I had shit loads in college and high school. I dunno. Perhaps when I move out of Malate I'll be able to sort my life out properly. As Pecier said, I still haven't cut my UP Manila umbilical cord. Haha. Meh. Whatever.
Thursday, 1 August 2013
Reminiscence
Riding the jeep home today, it was odd that my thoughts came across JM. After all this time I still wonder what would life be like if things went differently between the two of us. I guess I'm still hungover somewhat. I do miss her, the time we spent "dating" was short but it was extremely sweet. I jumped the gun, I won't deny that, and if I could do things again I would have. Alas, things didn't work out, and I wish I could go back and change those silly mistakes I've made. I've learned from them now, and well, it has changed me a great deal.
I tried texting her a few weeks ago, just a simple hi, and the words "litmus test" in parentheses, just to see if it would pique her curiosity (the text was, after all, meant to be a litmus test to see if she'd even bother corresponding). She didn't reply, and I guess she wants nothing to do with me now. Funny, we had so much in common and now she doesn't even want to talk to me. Life's tragic that way huh? If you're reading this now J, or any of the friends you shared it with, all I want is to be friends, cause it's such a waste I think. But hey, if not, who am I to force it.
On the topic of reminiscing, a few weeks ago I was talking with PA. It's good that we're pretty good friends now, I mean we share our stories and problems and stuff, and we now open up to each other. It was funny, she told me that she actually liked me in a point of her life. Apparently before I knew she even existed. Ha ha ha. If only it coincided with the point in my life when I was attracted to her. Women. Can't live with em. :)) Honestly I'd still be open to dating her, just to see how it goes, but given how she views me now (apparently I'm a "player" in her eyes, I have no clue where she got that from, she won't say either, so whatever), I doubt that'll happen any time soon. Oh wait, she can read this too. Hi P! If you're interested ha! =P
A few days ago I wrote an entry about making amends with everyone I've wronged. That was a general statement, since I have wronged a lot of people (come on, everyone does at some point in their life, I mean the sheer diversity of the human emotional spectrum would eventually lead to at least one person that'll dislike you for some, odd, uncontrollable reason). One person I really want to make amends with is my ex, PC. I've wronged a few girls as well, but I've made peace with all of them, except for her. It's a shame, honestly. Despite the lack of emotional compatibility, which we resolved, we did have a certain intellectual understanding between us. It was fun talking to her about stuff that honestly I couldn't talk to with a lot of people. I guess I miss the intellectual company, and having her as a friend as well. Maybe one of these days I'll try to make amends, but honestly I don't know how to bring that up. Perhaps I should wait for time to heal the wounds some more? Or perhaps I should just accept the fact that some wounds don't heal? Meh, we'll see.
In the mean time though I just want to settle in to my lifestyle. The independent single life is extremely liberating, and honestly it's awesome having money to spend on myself. The problem now is I never have time to spend for myself. Hahaha. I hope by the time I do get time and money, I'll also have the eagerness or the capability to enjoy myself. Time will tell. Time will tell. As of now though I don't mind just going out dating, meeting people, and slowly finding someone I can settle with. Emphasis on the slowly, since I'm really in no rush now. Shame I barely have the time to. Hahahaha. FML.
I tried texting her a few weeks ago, just a simple hi, and the words "litmus test" in parentheses, just to see if it would pique her curiosity (the text was, after all, meant to be a litmus test to see if she'd even bother corresponding). She didn't reply, and I guess she wants nothing to do with me now. Funny, we had so much in common and now she doesn't even want to talk to me. Life's tragic that way huh? If you're reading this now J, or any of the friends you shared it with, all I want is to be friends, cause it's such a waste I think. But hey, if not, who am I to force it.
On the topic of reminiscing, a few weeks ago I was talking with PA. It's good that we're pretty good friends now, I mean we share our stories and problems and stuff, and we now open up to each other. It was funny, she told me that she actually liked me in a point of her life. Apparently before I knew she even existed. Ha ha ha. If only it coincided with the point in my life when I was attracted to her. Women. Can't live with em. :)) Honestly I'd still be open to dating her, just to see how it goes, but given how she views me now (apparently I'm a "player" in her eyes, I have no clue where she got that from, she won't say either, so whatever), I doubt that'll happen any time soon. Oh wait, she can read this too. Hi P! If you're interested ha! =P
A few days ago I wrote an entry about making amends with everyone I've wronged. That was a general statement, since I have wronged a lot of people (come on, everyone does at some point in their life, I mean the sheer diversity of the human emotional spectrum would eventually lead to at least one person that'll dislike you for some, odd, uncontrollable reason). One person I really want to make amends with is my ex, PC. I've wronged a few girls as well, but I've made peace with all of them, except for her. It's a shame, honestly. Despite the lack of emotional compatibility, which we resolved, we did have a certain intellectual understanding between us. It was fun talking to her about stuff that honestly I couldn't talk to with a lot of people. I guess I miss the intellectual company, and having her as a friend as well. Maybe one of these days I'll try to make amends, but honestly I don't know how to bring that up. Perhaps I should wait for time to heal the wounds some more? Or perhaps I should just accept the fact that some wounds don't heal? Meh, we'll see.
In the mean time though I just want to settle in to my lifestyle. The independent single life is extremely liberating, and honestly it's awesome having money to spend on myself. The problem now is I never have time to spend for myself. Hahaha. I hope by the time I do get time and money, I'll also have the eagerness or the capability to enjoy myself. Time will tell. Time will tell. As of now though I don't mind just going out dating, meeting people, and slowly finding someone I can settle with. Emphasis on the slowly, since I'm really in no rush now. Shame I barely have the time to. Hahahaha. FML.
Decency.
You have some nerve to take MY mattress out of MY room into the living room, and sleep their with your boyfriend, doing god knows what (it wasn't decent), while I happen to be sleeping 2 METERS away from your inane and disgusting activities (I fell asleep on the couch, come on, I had alcohol in my system).
Learn some fucking decency. Waking up to that was mentally scarring. >_<
Learn some fucking decency. Waking up to that was mentally scarring. >_<
I don't want to go and overstep my boundaries. I'm new afterall, and I know my place. But I don't want to feel useless. And I would appreciate a little credit. I'm a competent and eager guy, and I hate feeling like I'm not doing anything.
I wish I had more input on my own ideas as well. I dunno. Haha. Fuck it.
I wish I had more input on my own ideas as well. I dunno. Haha. Fuck it.
Tuesday, 30 July 2013
I feel like if I'm ever going to make any real sense of progress in my life, that I'm going to have to set everything right with everyone. Now if only people were willing to do that. I've done it slowly, but there are still some people that I'm quite hesitant to approach, despite wanting to, out of fear of rejection or humiliation or backlash, for that matter. Hahaha. We'll see what happens. Perhaps I should give it a shot.
Monday, 15 July 2013
A great perhaps
It's rare that I write twice in a night, but I'll keep this brief. While I was at the hospital waiting for mom to recover from her hysterectomy (which included everything else involved in female reproduction apparently, meh whatever) I decided to give Kyle's fav book, Looking for Alaska by John Green, a shot and read it to keep myself from getting bored.
It's rare that books hit me on such an emotional level. I'm the kind of guy who enjoys a book either for the literary quality (how good the story is, or how clever the writer connects all the plot points) or how much it hits me intellectually (usually pertaining to the topic matter of the book, such as when I read a popular science book). I was never one to put myself in the shoes of a book's characters. Thus, when I read Looking for Alaska, I was extremely surprised by how much I could relate to Pudge's characterization, and more so, his situation with Alaska.
Alaska, for those who are wondering, is the name of the primary female protagonist of the book. She's a smart, beautiful, open-minded girl who has an incredibly fascinating insight to life. What's interesting about her is that she's kinda emotionally unstable, as you go along you start to understand why she's become the way she is, and you start to appreciate how "human" or "real" she really is. And honestly, this made her all the more attractive to me as a character. I mean, she's perfect, yet she's also terribly flawed. I mean I wouldn't want to date a perfect girl, she'd just be so out of my league. Hence why I found her so fascinating. Obviously, Pudge is enamored by Alaska, but alas, she is in a relationship with another dude, named Jake.
Despite the relationship with Jake, Alaska still flirts with Pudge, and Pudge eventually falls head over heels for little Miss Alaska Young. You can see the conflict inside Pudge when he deals with these situations. Eventually they end up hooking up, and the circumstances after that (which I can't talk about since it's pivotal to the plot) makes him wonder if Alaska was just playing him or if she really liked him and was just caught up with her current set of circumstances. The emotional angst and confusion in Pudge was just so real, and for me, so relatable. Does Alaska like me? Was she just messing around with me, given how she usually is? Was it me or Jake? What if?
Oh my god if only people knew how much that hits me right now. *sigh*
It's rare that books hit me on such an emotional level. I'm the kind of guy who enjoys a book either for the literary quality (how good the story is, or how clever the writer connects all the plot points) or how much it hits me intellectually (usually pertaining to the topic matter of the book, such as when I read a popular science book). I was never one to put myself in the shoes of a book's characters. Thus, when I read Looking for Alaska, I was extremely surprised by how much I could relate to Pudge's characterization, and more so, his situation with Alaska.
Alaska, for those who are wondering, is the name of the primary female protagonist of the book. She's a smart, beautiful, open-minded girl who has an incredibly fascinating insight to life. What's interesting about her is that she's kinda emotionally unstable, as you go along you start to understand why she's become the way she is, and you start to appreciate how "human" or "real" she really is. And honestly, this made her all the more attractive to me as a character. I mean, she's perfect, yet she's also terribly flawed. I mean I wouldn't want to date a perfect girl, she'd just be so out of my league. Hence why I found her so fascinating. Obviously, Pudge is enamored by Alaska, but alas, she is in a relationship with another dude, named Jake.
Despite the relationship with Jake, Alaska still flirts with Pudge, and Pudge eventually falls head over heels for little Miss Alaska Young. You can see the conflict inside Pudge when he deals with these situations. Eventually they end up hooking up, and the circumstances after that (which I can't talk about since it's pivotal to the plot) makes him wonder if Alaska was just playing him or if she really liked him and was just caught up with her current set of circumstances. The emotional angst and confusion in Pudge was just so real, and for me, so relatable. Does Alaska like me? Was she just messing around with me, given how she usually is? Was it me or Jake? What if?
Oh my god if only people knew how much that hits me right now. *sigh*
Two roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
The paradigm of a typical biology major's career path in the Philippines is, more often that not, med school. That is apparent by (or perhaps it leads to) the clear lack of biology industries in the country, the lack of PRC regulation for our degree, and the sheer lack of jobs for my colleagues in the field of biological research and application, minus the RA and teaching positions that come from our universities. Simply put, BS Biology in the Philippines is pretty much just labelled as a "premed" and in all honesty, it's a pretty shitty premed at that (except for the NMAT, we fricking dominate on it).
What's worse about this scenario though is the fact that there is a clear brain-drain in the field of biology, with most of the graduates, trained in the numerous fields of biology, such as ecology, physiology, genetics, and molecular biology, end up not using or applying these skills in their trades, and thus leading to a lack of worthwhile returns for the investment put in these biology students. Did that make sense? I'll just put it in another way, worded best by my former professor in UP Manila, Sedricke Lapuz (lol I just call him Sed now, so weird, happy birthday to him btw!) "I feel cheated that my students are going to medicine." Can you blame him? He put his time and effort into teaching skills (this was during plant developmental biology) that he knows most of us aren't going to use, thus benefiting neither the students, nor the department, nor the field as a whole.
Of course, perhaps I'm making a hasty generalization. I did come from UP Manila, the health sciences center of the Philippines, and honest to God you can't study there without inculcating any knowledge about health. Even the BA programs get a glimpse of health one way or another, either through health policy or through their psychology cognates. The campus breathes health sciences (as it should) and thus even the biology program there has a slant towards health and preparation for medicine. Our comparative anatomy is far from comparative, focusing directly on mammals (a human analogue). Our physiology? General physio, but with a slant towards human physiology, hell our references are for human physiology. Our electives? Immunology, histology, radiation biology and parasitology. Gee, I wonder what they're for.
Because of the slant of our curriculum, as well as the whole notion of biology as a premed, it makes you wonder.... What if I don't go to med? Where do I go? What career can I pursue? Will I be able to have a satisfying life knowing that I didn't pursue the tried and tested path of medicine? Will there be any regrets? Will you look on towards your other peers who pursued medicine and think "That could be me right now"?
Right now I'm in that position in my life. Due to financial constraints, I've been unable to go to medicine for this year. At first the thought completely destroyed me. I felt so left behind. I felt like such a failure, such a disappointment to my family and friends. I felt that I had these extremely high expectations of me, and that I was not meeting them. I will not deny that I pursued biology for medicine, and though I gave a sour-grape reason for choosing it ("If I don't go to med, I wouldn't want to be in the health sciences at all, since there's no way I'm going to be working under someone who's doing something that I'd rather be doing anyway"), it was only because I never saw myself, not in a million years, not being a doctor. Because of this, I never really grasped the possibility of other careers in biology.
At this point in time, I'm working at the Mind Museum. I must say the job is an amazing job, and I'm extremely grateful that I was given this opportunity. I was such an emotional wreck a few months ago, and this job has given me hope for some sort of security, if only temporarily. The pay is amazing for a starting job, this month I'm taking home around 20,000 with tax already taken off. My benefits are superb, with insurance plans, medical allowances, free annual check ups, and a generous number of leaves at my disposal. The work environment is amazing, as the "family-centered" vibe of the museum makes everything cheerful, and the intelligence of my peers keeps thing perennially interesting.
However, one can see from the get go that this job is not for the long term. There's no sense of growth and promotion in our foundation, as evident in our job titles. We're pretty much stuck here, with no prospect of advancement through the firm, since the structure of our organization is very....horizontal. We already answer directly to our boss, with no one in between us, and it's not like we're replacing her any time soon. So where does that lead us? Sure we get our pay rises and additional benefits as the years go by, and sure we get our awesome perks, like the free food we get ever so often, and the potential to travel abroad for our ASPAC conferences. But then what? I trained four years to pursue "science" and though we are in the "science" field, we aren't exactly doing "science" per se, if one associates science with the pursuit of new knowledge. We're merely on the "popular science" aspect of the picture, making it more accessible, palatable and ultimately digestible to the general populace, hoping to inspire people to appreciate science, and hopefully pursue the field in the future. It's a good calling, but if I was going to do that, I would have pursued education instead, cause isn't that the point of that course? Most, if not all of my colleagues either are taking masters right now or have it in mind for the long term, with the prospect of pursuing academe or research as their main career thrusts in the future.
This leads me to my dilemma. Where should I go from here? The next three years encompasses the time period when I'll have to decide what I want to do with my life. I have to think as early as now since the decision is an extremely heavy and pivotal step in the direction of my life. Once I pursue one track, I feel like it'll be too late to rewind and start again. I've wanted medicine since I was a little boy, as evidenced by my previous blog entries on the matter. But I've grown to love biology with all of my heart for the past few years in undergraduate school, and the influences of my colleagues at work have also slowly inculcated the prospect of pursuing higher biology studies in the future. The past few days at the "Ospital ning Angeles" have shown me the dreary and awful side of medicine, and all of its [un]glamorous glory. Yet it has also shown me the dire need of people who have a passion to serve the people and make a difference in our society, since it is clear that there will always be a need for doctors and other health professionals in our country.
But here's the kicker. I've always seen myself as a smart guy. Call it arrogant if you will, but growing up as the "smart kid" on the block (until UP anyway) has always made me passionate about pursuing something that "others" wouldn't dare touch. Growing up, I thought medicine or law were fields like that (and honestly they are). But being open to the field of scientific research, you start to realize how much harder that track is, and how much more in need we are of people like that. I mean, the production of new knowledge? Where would we be in terms of health, agriculture and technology if the scientists who put us here today never existed? It's such a fascinating and fulfilling prospect, and slowly it's been calling out to me. In particular, the lack of ethology, paleontology and systems biology tracks for higher education and the disregard of the evolutionary thrust in the biology curricula of the country clearly show a knowledge gap that is in dire need of filling. These issues dwell on my passions about biology, and if I were to pursue biology as my career of choice, I'd want to be in these fields.The fields are so fascinatinggggggg. Not to mention they take me closer and closer to some sort of existential fulfillment, as they take me closer to that every lingering question "How did we get here?". Such a wonder. To study these fields would entail going abroad though, since as I said, they don't have that shit here. Oh life.
It's always been tempting for me to be the different guy, to be the one to take the road less travelled by, and to hopefully make a difference where there is much need for it. Martyr/messiah complex? Maybe, UP has taught me to do that, not to mention how my family brought me up as some sort of "messiah" for the family. Fuck. Well, I have three years to decide, and I hope it gets clearer as the days go by, and hopefully sooner, rather than later. Hahahaha. I'm just glad that my life is always interesting, eh?
What's worse about this scenario though is the fact that there is a clear brain-drain in the field of biology, with most of the graduates, trained in the numerous fields of biology, such as ecology, physiology, genetics, and molecular biology, end up not using or applying these skills in their trades, and thus leading to a lack of worthwhile returns for the investment put in these biology students. Did that make sense? I'll just put it in another way, worded best by my former professor in UP Manila, Sedricke Lapuz (lol I just call him Sed now, so weird, happy birthday to him btw!) "I feel cheated that my students are going to medicine." Can you blame him? He put his time and effort into teaching skills (this was during plant developmental biology) that he knows most of us aren't going to use, thus benefiting neither the students, nor the department, nor the field as a whole.
Of course, perhaps I'm making a hasty generalization. I did come from UP Manila, the health sciences center of the Philippines, and honest to God you can't study there without inculcating any knowledge about health. Even the BA programs get a glimpse of health one way or another, either through health policy or through their psychology cognates. The campus breathes health sciences (as it should) and thus even the biology program there has a slant towards health and preparation for medicine. Our comparative anatomy is far from comparative, focusing directly on mammals (a human analogue). Our physiology? General physio, but with a slant towards human physiology, hell our references are for human physiology. Our electives? Immunology, histology, radiation biology and parasitology. Gee, I wonder what they're for.
Because of the slant of our curriculum, as well as the whole notion of biology as a premed, it makes you wonder.... What if I don't go to med? Where do I go? What career can I pursue? Will I be able to have a satisfying life knowing that I didn't pursue the tried and tested path of medicine? Will there be any regrets? Will you look on towards your other peers who pursued medicine and think "That could be me right now"?
Right now I'm in that position in my life. Due to financial constraints, I've been unable to go to medicine for this year. At first the thought completely destroyed me. I felt so left behind. I felt like such a failure, such a disappointment to my family and friends. I felt that I had these extremely high expectations of me, and that I was not meeting them. I will not deny that I pursued biology for medicine, and though I gave a sour-grape reason for choosing it ("If I don't go to med, I wouldn't want to be in the health sciences at all, since there's no way I'm going to be working under someone who's doing something that I'd rather be doing anyway"), it was only because I never saw myself, not in a million years, not being a doctor. Because of this, I never really grasped the possibility of other careers in biology.
At this point in time, I'm working at the Mind Museum. I must say the job is an amazing job, and I'm extremely grateful that I was given this opportunity. I was such an emotional wreck a few months ago, and this job has given me hope for some sort of security, if only temporarily. The pay is amazing for a starting job, this month I'm taking home around 20,000 with tax already taken off. My benefits are superb, with insurance plans, medical allowances, free annual check ups, and a generous number of leaves at my disposal. The work environment is amazing, as the "family-centered" vibe of the museum makes everything cheerful, and the intelligence of my peers keeps thing perennially interesting.
However, one can see from the get go that this job is not for the long term. There's no sense of growth and promotion in our foundation, as evident in our job titles. We're pretty much stuck here, with no prospect of advancement through the firm, since the structure of our organization is very....horizontal. We already answer directly to our boss, with no one in between us, and it's not like we're replacing her any time soon. So where does that lead us? Sure we get our pay rises and additional benefits as the years go by, and sure we get our awesome perks, like the free food we get ever so often, and the potential to travel abroad for our ASPAC conferences. But then what? I trained four years to pursue "science" and though we are in the "science" field, we aren't exactly doing "science" per se, if one associates science with the pursuit of new knowledge. We're merely on the "popular science" aspect of the picture, making it more accessible, palatable and ultimately digestible to the general populace, hoping to inspire people to appreciate science, and hopefully pursue the field in the future. It's a good calling, but if I was going to do that, I would have pursued education instead, cause isn't that the point of that course? Most, if not all of my colleagues either are taking masters right now or have it in mind for the long term, with the prospect of pursuing academe or research as their main career thrusts in the future.
This leads me to my dilemma. Where should I go from here? The next three years encompasses the time period when I'll have to decide what I want to do with my life. I have to think as early as now since the decision is an extremely heavy and pivotal step in the direction of my life. Once I pursue one track, I feel like it'll be too late to rewind and start again. I've wanted medicine since I was a little boy, as evidenced by my previous blog entries on the matter. But I've grown to love biology with all of my heart for the past few years in undergraduate school, and the influences of my colleagues at work have also slowly inculcated the prospect of pursuing higher biology studies in the future. The past few days at the "Ospital ning Angeles" have shown me the dreary and awful side of medicine, and all of its [un]glamorous glory. Yet it has also shown me the dire need of people who have a passion to serve the people and make a difference in our society, since it is clear that there will always be a need for doctors and other health professionals in our country.
But here's the kicker. I've always seen myself as a smart guy. Call it arrogant if you will, but growing up as the "smart kid" on the block (until UP anyway) has always made me passionate about pursuing something that "others" wouldn't dare touch. Growing up, I thought medicine or law were fields like that (and honestly they are). But being open to the field of scientific research, you start to realize how much harder that track is, and how much more in need we are of people like that. I mean, the production of new knowledge? Where would we be in terms of health, agriculture and technology if the scientists who put us here today never existed? It's such a fascinating and fulfilling prospect, and slowly it's been calling out to me. In particular, the lack of ethology, paleontology and systems biology tracks for higher education and the disregard of the evolutionary thrust in the biology curricula of the country clearly show a knowledge gap that is in dire need of filling. These issues dwell on my passions about biology, and if I were to pursue biology as my career of choice, I'd want to be in these fields.The fields are so fascinatinggggggg. Not to mention they take me closer and closer to some sort of existential fulfillment, as they take me closer to that every lingering question "How did we get here?". Such a wonder. To study these fields would entail going abroad though, since as I said, they don't have that shit here. Oh life.
It's always been tempting for me to be the different guy, to be the one to take the road less travelled by, and to hopefully make a difference where there is much need for it. Martyr/messiah complex? Maybe, UP has taught me to do that, not to mention how my family brought me up as some sort of "messiah" for the family. Fuck. Well, I have three years to decide, and I hope it gets clearer as the days go by, and hopefully sooner, rather than later. Hahahaha. I'm just glad that my life is always interesting, eh?
Friday, 12 July 2013
Friday, 5 July 2013
Friday, 28 June 2013
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Convolution
"W: aw fuck it, hahaha, I'm just putting this out in the open but if you were single I'd ask you out :)))"
E: and if I were single I'd say yes haha"
"E: Go ahead, ask me any question about my type.
W: Type mo ba ako? hahahahaha
E: Tbh oo, wahahaha"
I decided to start with these words from a conversation we had recently, just to give you a rough idea of how frustrated I am with my current situation. "It" could be there, but due to the way things are at present, "it" can not be. Hahaha, why am I feeling this way? I have no right to get involved in the current status quo of my colleagues' relationships and dealings with each other. I'm just the greenhorn here, I've barely been here a month, and now I'm acting like such a douchebag. If I was a spectator watching all this I'd be so pissed at myself right now, since I won't deny that I'm being such a total asshole.
But honestly, can you blame me? I won't deny that I fancy this girl. She is special. Granted, I say that about all the girls I meet and like, but you know, I dunno if it's sheer luck or something, but I always do meet such amazing women. And honestly, the number of women I find "special" doesn't detract from how special these women are, cause they really are spectacular. What frustrates me even more is not the fact that I can't be with her, but the fact that the guy that she is with right now doesn't give her the due treatment that a girl of her calibre deserves. You have a girl who is a 15/10 in my book, and you treat her like some common fling, some summer romance that won't lead to anywhere. Do you know how lucky you are to be in that position? This girl is head over heels for you, despite how shitty you've been treating her. I'd kill to be in that kind of position, not particularly to have someone head over heels for me, but to be in a position where I am able to show someone who is that amazing how special and important she means to me.
Alas, that is my plight. An emotional tampon to spectate and advise her on what to do with her current "relationship problems". Honestly though, I'm pretty alright with it. Alright as anyone in that position could ever be. As I said time and time again, I want to be the better and righteous (I use this term loosely) man. And I want her happiness first and foremost. What's the point nga naman if I'm happy but she's not diba? Hahaha.
I'm being silly. I barely know everyone. Why do I always jump on these opportunities whenever I meet someone new? Why must I be so impatient? Why am I so impulsive? I should learn to control my feelings, particularly in this new setting. Everyone is more mature than I am, or if not mature, then at least more familiar with the interpersonal dynamics of the workspace. I really should just sit back, relax, watch how things unfold and learn from it all. If a fair opportunity arises, go for it. But in the mean time I shouldn't be anticipating for anything bad to happen, or even worse encouraging something bad to happen in between them. That's just being a douchebag. If it'll happen, it'll happen. And right now I should just enjoy the ride. I'm extremely lucky that I've gotten pretty close with her in such a short amount of time. And I'm grateful for that. Her company is really enjoyable. I should be content with that, and just see how things go.
Sorry if my writing is so screwed up. I should write in smaller, yet more frequent bursts. Ergh. That way I can get more hits!
E: and if I were single I'd say yes haha"
"E: Go ahead, ask me any question about my type.
W: Type mo ba ako? hahahahaha
E: Tbh oo, wahahaha"
I decided to start with these words from a conversation we had recently, just to give you a rough idea of how frustrated I am with my current situation. "It" could be there, but due to the way things are at present, "it" can not be. Hahaha, why am I feeling this way? I have no right to get involved in the current status quo of my colleagues' relationships and dealings with each other. I'm just the greenhorn here, I've barely been here a month, and now I'm acting like such a douchebag. If I was a spectator watching all this I'd be so pissed at myself right now, since I won't deny that I'm being such a total asshole.
But honestly, can you blame me? I won't deny that I fancy this girl. She is special. Granted, I say that about all the girls I meet and like, but you know, I dunno if it's sheer luck or something, but I always do meet such amazing women. And honestly, the number of women I find "special" doesn't detract from how special these women are, cause they really are spectacular. What frustrates me even more is not the fact that I can't be with her, but the fact that the guy that she is with right now doesn't give her the due treatment that a girl of her calibre deserves. You have a girl who is a 15/10 in my book, and you treat her like some common fling, some summer romance that won't lead to anywhere. Do you know how lucky you are to be in that position? This girl is head over heels for you, despite how shitty you've been treating her. I'd kill to be in that kind of position, not particularly to have someone head over heels for me, but to be in a position where I am able to show someone who is that amazing how special and important she means to me.
Alas, that is my plight. An emotional tampon to spectate and advise her on what to do with her current "relationship problems". Honestly though, I'm pretty alright with it. Alright as anyone in that position could ever be. As I said time and time again, I want to be the better and righteous (I use this term loosely) man. And I want her happiness first and foremost. What's the point nga naman if I'm happy but she's not diba? Hahaha.
I'm being silly. I barely know everyone. Why do I always jump on these opportunities whenever I meet someone new? Why must I be so impatient? Why am I so impulsive? I should learn to control my feelings, particularly in this new setting. Everyone is more mature than I am, or if not mature, then at least more familiar with the interpersonal dynamics of the workspace. I really should just sit back, relax, watch how things unfold and learn from it all. If a fair opportunity arises, go for it. But in the mean time I shouldn't be anticipating for anything bad to happen, or even worse encouraging something bad to happen in between them. That's just being a douchebag. If it'll happen, it'll happen. And right now I should just enjoy the ride. I'm extremely lucky that I've gotten pretty close with her in such a short amount of time. And I'm grateful for that. Her company is really enjoyable. I should be content with that, and just see how things go.
Sorry if my writing is so screwed up. I should write in smaller, yet more frequent bursts. Ergh. That way I can get more hits!
Friday, 14 June 2013
Independence Day
June 12: Today is June 12. Today is supposed to mark the so called "liberation" of the Philippines from Spanish rule by Emilio Aguinaldo way back in 1898 at Kawit, Cavite. This could go on as a diatribe about the current state of the Philippines, or how Emilio Aguinaldo is an arse-kisser who sold out to the Americans. Or this could be about how the Philippines isn't really a fully independent country, being heavily dependent on other countries for economic sustainability and political will power. This isn't the avenue for this kind of discussions though. If you want to hear about that, be my guest and refer yourselves to one of the many "national democracy" advocates that litter my Facebook feeds everyday. Pft.
No, this post will be about my independence day, and all the events leading up to this pivotal moment. Today, my first pay check arrived in my pay roll bank account. This marks the end of my dependence on my mother for sustenance. It's quite an odd feeling, finally supporting myself for a living. It feels odd knowing that I make more money than my mother does per month, and it's quite surreal how I've reached this point in my life, considering how most people I know (who are either my age or younger) are either still studying or just plain unemployed. It feels like it's too soon. I never saw myself joining the "corporate workforce rat race" so soon. I always saw myself studying til at least the age of 25, so the fact that I'm now an employee is still pretty foreign to me. When I was in university the only number I ever had to deal with was my student number, which for obvious reasons I will not post here (mehehe). Now, my life revolves around numerous numbers tied to my name. =))) TIN? SSS? PhilHealth? FML. Let's not talk about these any longer, as the past few weeks have been spent lining up at countless government offices for hours on end just to get a silly little 16 digit number. Oh well.
So how has work been so far? I must say that despite my inhibitions in joining the work force, I've been having the time of my life at work. As I write this I remember the words I said to Garrick during my job interview, talking about how much I adored growing up with Discovery Channel, Nat Geo and Animal Planet on my telly, and how I loved shows like Beakman's World and Bill Nye the Science Guy as they always made the sciences so approachable and plain fun for the general public. Though I did say them to impress rather to express, I won't deny that I really did enjoy growing up with that kind of environment. Now, the tables have turned. I am a Mind Mover at the Mind Museum. I'm supposed to be the one making science interesting for the little kiddos visiting us. It's a lot of pressure on me, and my peers. They've been doing this for more or less a year though, so they're pretty much seasoned by now. Pecier in particular is extremely impressive as a Mind Mover, he has a way with crowds and he's such an interesting character to watch and talk to. As for me, I still need to step up a little. So far all I've been doing is welcoming people and giving my spiel to our beloved guests, while simultaneously researching for our future events. Haven't really been "mind moving" as of late, but I'll be starting science demos next week, so I'm quite excited for that. The people have been so amazing. I've never met people with these kind of smarts. Being in the University of the Philippines has allowed me to meet some of the most intelligent people anyone could ever meet in this country. However, I've never met the kind of smarts that I've met here at TMM. These are people I could talk to about anything under the sun and still learn something fruitful after every conversation. Politics? Check. Sex? Check. Popular science? Obviously a check. Music? Check. Sports? Check. Religion? Check. The diversity is amazing. It never gets old there. The environment is also amazing. The museum is so cozy and kid friendly, which may sound odd but here me out. Because it's such a kid friendly environment, the mood of it all feels so light and cheerful. If I'm working at a science institute doing research in a laboratory for instance, it'll be all technical and glum and danky and dirty. Here it's just so bright, shiny, and squeaky-clean. Granted I mostly do a desk job (it's actually pretty corporate) but to put it in Miss Nina's words, it's a schizophrenic kind of corporate job. I go to work in a t-shirt, jeans and my favourite pair of Vans, no qualms whatsoever. Whenever everyone's free, we play air hockey. I've had wine to drink at work twice in less than a week. It's just so chill. I'm sure it'll get worse eventually, I'm sure work also has its "honeymoon phase", but so far so good. I'm lovin it.
At times I wonder what it would be like if I entered a med school instead. My batchmates seem to have the time of their life right now (except for Luigi, whiny little prick). I see them all dressed up in their white uniforms, and though I have my own white uniform (mehehe my white Mind Mover lab gown), nothing beats the full outfit of a medical student. I'm jealous, I won't deny that. Can you blame me? I prepped my whole life for pursuing a medical career, and now I'm treading a path which puts me slightly off course. A part of me wants to follow in their foot steps in a year, hence why I'm working my ass off right now to fund my education in the future. But one week at the Mind Museum has already changed my perspective on a lot of things. I'm making pretty decent money right now, and I hope to maintain this momentum for at least a couple of years. My batchmates aren't making a cent, slogging it out for 5 more years in the academe before they even start to make a buck. And then what? 12k? 15k a month? I make more than that from a BS degree alone. Instead of mother continuing to fund me, I can now actually support her. But it's not about the money. Being at the Mind Museum, surrounded by young science majors who plan to continue their careers in the sciences (Asia in particular), kind of rubs off on you. Now I see myself pursuing a field that can help foster a climate of better science education for the general public. The Erasmus Mundus MEME scholarship is starting to sound ever more sweeter, and actually having a colleague pursue a similar path really makes it seem more feasible to me. Imagine that, William Derek Rozee, a professor, Master in Evolutionary Biology. It sounds so sweet. I've always admired Richard Dawkins, but now I actually want to follow in his footsteps. Fantastic!
Of course, I haven't completely closed the doors to a medical degree. I'm still bothered by the current public health situation in our country, and if there was any way I could help to make the country a better place I would grab the moment in an instant. But, I'm glad that I now have options. It was such an awful feeling in undergrad when the paradigm was "med or nothing". I was constantly meditating on the many issues that came about with that line of thinking. Did I make a wrong choice by choosing a field that I loved? Were the past four years a waste of time? Did I learn any critical skills that I could use in the real world? Where am I gonna use evolutionary theory when I get a job? Why aren't there any good jobs for BS Biology graduates in our country? Now, things look a little brighter. My job is more than capable of sustaining my current life style, and now I can proceed to plotting my life out ahead. I'm happy that I'm not doing a job only for the sake of making money, since that would make this part of my life pretty directionless. Now I can settle and slowly make head way once I've decided on what I want to do. I'm truly happy that I've fallen into these circumstances. I'd thank God if he were real, but you know he's not hahaha. In a way, I'm happy for everything I've done in college, since it all set me up for this moment in my life. Now, it's a new chapter, and thus, now is the moment to start preparing for the future, whatever that may be. I can now cross the bridge when I get there. Right now, I should just live in the moment. And right now, the moment is just amazing. :)
In the end, I'm happy to be independent. It's done so much for me. I smoke and drink so much less now. I've learned to become responsible with my time and money. I'm no longer Mr. Tardy. I've stopped buying useless shit (though I did splurge a little after my paycheck arrived mehehe). I'm becoming more organized with my life and I've lessened my cramming habits. Work and independence have been good for me. I think work will help me reach my full potential as a person. Screwing up has direct repercussions on both me and the entity that I work for, both short and long term, so I don't do things lightly. I embrace it, since I know my full potential, cause god damn it I'm an awesome person, despite what any of you might think or however you might judge me. :)
As for my love life. Hahaha. I've moved on from J. I'll be honest it was a lot faster than anticipated. I guess the lack of communication for the past month or so helped get her out of my system. It feels great right now. Looking back, she made perfect sense. If we did try to date it'd be for nought since I'm just sooooooo busy with work now. I wish her all the best, since it looks like she's dating someone or something. I'm happy for her. I wish I could still be friends with her, but it seems like she wants nothing to do with me. Ah well. As John Mayer said, Friends lovers or nothing, there can only be one. :)) There is this girl I fancy at work though. E's her name. She's quite a character. She falls under my type criteria. I'd go for her but there are a few things holding me back. First, she's kinda had a thing for this other colleague at work, and I don't want to stir shit up at work since I'm new. Second thing. I'm new. Hahaha. I'd be such a troll to hit on someone I've barely met. Third thing. I've never dated anyone older than me. She's fricking 24. Hahaha. Age doesn't matter but I still need to get used to the whole dynamic. Haha. We'll see how things go. Though right now my life is going pretty sweet so I'm in no rush for anything. S'all good. And as she would say "trudat".
No, this post will be about my independence day, and all the events leading up to this pivotal moment. Today, my first pay check arrived in my pay roll bank account. This marks the end of my dependence on my mother for sustenance. It's quite an odd feeling, finally supporting myself for a living. It feels odd knowing that I make more money than my mother does per month, and it's quite surreal how I've reached this point in my life, considering how most people I know (who are either my age or younger) are either still studying or just plain unemployed. It feels like it's too soon. I never saw myself joining the "corporate workforce rat race" so soon. I always saw myself studying til at least the age of 25, so the fact that I'm now an employee is still pretty foreign to me. When I was in university the only number I ever had to deal with was my student number, which for obvious reasons I will not post here (mehehe). Now, my life revolves around numerous numbers tied to my name. =))) TIN? SSS? PhilHealth? FML. Let's not talk about these any longer, as the past few weeks have been spent lining up at countless government offices for hours on end just to get a silly little 16 digit number. Oh well.
So how has work been so far? I must say that despite my inhibitions in joining the work force, I've been having the time of my life at work. As I write this I remember the words I said to Garrick during my job interview, talking about how much I adored growing up with Discovery Channel, Nat Geo and Animal Planet on my telly, and how I loved shows like Beakman's World and Bill Nye the Science Guy as they always made the sciences so approachable and plain fun for the general public. Though I did say them to impress rather to express, I won't deny that I really did enjoy growing up with that kind of environment. Now, the tables have turned. I am a Mind Mover at the Mind Museum. I'm supposed to be the one making science interesting for the little kiddos visiting us. It's a lot of pressure on me, and my peers. They've been doing this for more or less a year though, so they're pretty much seasoned by now. Pecier in particular is extremely impressive as a Mind Mover, he has a way with crowds and he's such an interesting character to watch and talk to. As for me, I still need to step up a little. So far all I've been doing is welcoming people and giving my spiel to our beloved guests, while simultaneously researching for our future events. Haven't really been "mind moving" as of late, but I'll be starting science demos next week, so I'm quite excited for that. The people have been so amazing. I've never met people with these kind of smarts. Being in the University of the Philippines has allowed me to meet some of the most intelligent people anyone could ever meet in this country. However, I've never met the kind of smarts that I've met here at TMM. These are people I could talk to about anything under the sun and still learn something fruitful after every conversation. Politics? Check. Sex? Check. Popular science? Obviously a check. Music? Check. Sports? Check. Religion? Check. The diversity is amazing. It never gets old there. The environment is also amazing. The museum is so cozy and kid friendly, which may sound odd but here me out. Because it's such a kid friendly environment, the mood of it all feels so light and cheerful. If I'm working at a science institute doing research in a laboratory for instance, it'll be all technical and glum and danky and dirty. Here it's just so bright, shiny, and squeaky-clean. Granted I mostly do a desk job (it's actually pretty corporate) but to put it in Miss Nina's words, it's a schizophrenic kind of corporate job. I go to work in a t-shirt, jeans and my favourite pair of Vans, no qualms whatsoever. Whenever everyone's free, we play air hockey. I've had wine to drink at work twice in less than a week. It's just so chill. I'm sure it'll get worse eventually, I'm sure work also has its "honeymoon phase", but so far so good. I'm lovin it.
At times I wonder what it would be like if I entered a med school instead. My batchmates seem to have the time of their life right now (except for Luigi, whiny little prick). I see them all dressed up in their white uniforms, and though I have my own white uniform (mehehe my white Mind Mover lab gown), nothing beats the full outfit of a medical student. I'm jealous, I won't deny that. Can you blame me? I prepped my whole life for pursuing a medical career, and now I'm treading a path which puts me slightly off course. A part of me wants to follow in their foot steps in a year, hence why I'm working my ass off right now to fund my education in the future. But one week at the Mind Museum has already changed my perspective on a lot of things. I'm making pretty decent money right now, and I hope to maintain this momentum for at least a couple of years. My batchmates aren't making a cent, slogging it out for 5 more years in the academe before they even start to make a buck. And then what? 12k? 15k a month? I make more than that from a BS degree alone. Instead of mother continuing to fund me, I can now actually support her. But it's not about the money. Being at the Mind Museum, surrounded by young science majors who plan to continue their careers in the sciences (Asia in particular), kind of rubs off on you. Now I see myself pursuing a field that can help foster a climate of better science education for the general public. The Erasmus Mundus MEME scholarship is starting to sound ever more sweeter, and actually having a colleague pursue a similar path really makes it seem more feasible to me. Imagine that, William Derek Rozee, a professor, Master in Evolutionary Biology. It sounds so sweet. I've always admired Richard Dawkins, but now I actually want to follow in his footsteps. Fantastic!
Of course, I haven't completely closed the doors to a medical degree. I'm still bothered by the current public health situation in our country, and if there was any way I could help to make the country a better place I would grab the moment in an instant. But, I'm glad that I now have options. It was such an awful feeling in undergrad when the paradigm was "med or nothing". I was constantly meditating on the many issues that came about with that line of thinking. Did I make a wrong choice by choosing a field that I loved? Were the past four years a waste of time? Did I learn any critical skills that I could use in the real world? Where am I gonna use evolutionary theory when I get a job? Why aren't there any good jobs for BS Biology graduates in our country? Now, things look a little brighter. My job is more than capable of sustaining my current life style, and now I can proceed to plotting my life out ahead. I'm happy that I'm not doing a job only for the sake of making money, since that would make this part of my life pretty directionless. Now I can settle and slowly make head way once I've decided on what I want to do. I'm truly happy that I've fallen into these circumstances. I'd thank God if he were real, but you know he's not hahaha. In a way, I'm happy for everything I've done in college, since it all set me up for this moment in my life. Now, it's a new chapter, and thus, now is the moment to start preparing for the future, whatever that may be. I can now cross the bridge when I get there. Right now, I should just live in the moment. And right now, the moment is just amazing. :)
In the end, I'm happy to be independent. It's done so much for me. I smoke and drink so much less now. I've learned to become responsible with my time and money. I'm no longer Mr. Tardy. I've stopped buying useless shit (though I did splurge a little after my paycheck arrived mehehe). I'm becoming more organized with my life and I've lessened my cramming habits. Work and independence have been good for me. I think work will help me reach my full potential as a person. Screwing up has direct repercussions on both me and the entity that I work for, both short and long term, so I don't do things lightly. I embrace it, since I know my full potential, cause god damn it I'm an awesome person, despite what any of you might think or however you might judge me. :)
As for my love life. Hahaha. I've moved on from J. I'll be honest it was a lot faster than anticipated. I guess the lack of communication for the past month or so helped get her out of my system. It feels great right now. Looking back, she made perfect sense. If we did try to date it'd be for nought since I'm just sooooooo busy with work now. I wish her all the best, since it looks like she's dating someone or something. I'm happy for her. I wish I could still be friends with her, but it seems like she wants nothing to do with me. Ah well. As John Mayer said, Friends lovers or nothing, there can only be one. :)) There is this girl I fancy at work though. E's her name. She's quite a character. She falls under my type criteria. I'd go for her but there are a few things holding me back. First, she's kinda had a thing for this other colleague at work, and I don't want to stir shit up at work since I'm new. Second thing. I'm new. Hahaha. I'd be such a troll to hit on someone I've barely met. Third thing. I've never dated anyone older than me. She's fricking 24. Hahaha. Age doesn't matter but I still need to get used to the whole dynamic. Haha. We'll see how things go. Though right now my life is going pretty sweet so I'm in no rush for anything. S'all good. And as she would say "trudat".
Saturday, 25 May 2013
The best premed course in the Philippines (from the perspective of a UP student)
I was reading the different posts in Narinig ko sa UP (Overheard at UP) when an incoming senior high school student (don't ask how she got there, haha, but her name is Hannah Abigail Agustin) asked "What was the best premed to get into the UP College of Medicine?" From that question, I answered the clearest answer which gave her exactly what she wanted. UP Diliman's BS Psychology program. Statistically speaking, they encompass the largest chunk of qualifiers into the College of Medicine, thus making it the BS UP Med Premed course of choice, excluding Intarmed. Furthermore, being at the College of Social Sciences and Philosophy (the past AS and thus the "center" of UPD according to some pundits), they get to be at the heart of all things UP Diliman, guaranteeing them an awesome college life AND sufficiently high grades necessary for qualification in the college.
That would sufficiently answer her question (though honestly I didn't want to go into full details myself in the thread, since I'm a BS Biology major myself, and I might give the impression that I'm labeling BS Psych majors as an "easy" course for getting into UPCM, so I just said "UP Diliman Psych"). Of course, the whole thread caught on quickly, as you know how open minded and "opinionated" UP students are. And honestly, poor child, if I were there I wouldn't know who to listen to. It's not like we all have labels of credibility there. Though frankly, some of the answers there are extremely far fetched. BS Mathematics? BA Social Studies (Area Studies)? Sure, there are cases when one or two people from certain obscure courses get through. But let's be realistic here mates. We want the safest premed when we choose a degree. Something that more or less gives us a direct path to it. Thus, here is a rough criteria for choosing degree programs ideal for pre-medicine:
(1) It prepares you for medicine, providing a background on the sciences that are usually taught in medical schools, such as, but not limited to, the following: Anatomy, Physiology, Biochemistry, Microbiology.
(2) It allows you to get sufficiently HIGH grades for entry into the best medical schools. (You'll need at least cum laude for UP College of Medicine).
(3) It prepares you for the National Medical Admission Test, or NMAT. (90 is the minimum for UP CM. Most applicants have 99 or 99+)
(4) It provides you with a sufficient fallback if ever you fail to pursue medicine for some reason unbeknownst to me at this present time. (You can't just sulk if you don't go to med.)
(5) It interests you. (unless you just want to sleep in your classes all day)
Background and Grades, the premed uncertainty principle
Honestly, for most people (even UP students) no one course suits all of that criteria, with #1 and #2 being extremely difficult to reconcile (The health sciences courses, ideally the courses that prepare you the most for medicine, are notoriously difficult. To put it into perspective, UP Diliman, the flagship campus, had 15 Summa Cum Laudes. Meanwhile, UP Manila, the health sciences campus, only had 2, Paco and Bea, BS Biochemistry and Biology, respectively). I suppose if I were to break up the courses, I'd say there were three kinds of courses. Note: some courses don't fall into these criteria and thus will not be mentioned here. This is pretty much based on the popular premeds of choice.
A.) An "easy" course (I'm using the term lightly since no course is truly easy) that prepares you least for medicine. - I would put BS Psychology, Anthropology, Education here, since you can get a really high GWA with relatively less effort. I would also include courses like Area Studies, Behavioral Sciences and Development Studies (offered in UP Manila) since there is always at least one person from these courses that slips past. Employment is variable, depending on your specialization really, but it's usually corporate.
B.) An intermediate course which gives you a rough idea of what to study during medicine while having the right difficulty to ensure that you can still get high grades as long as you put your back into it. - I would put my own degree, BS Biology, here, since the course is challenging (Curse you Math 17) but many of those in the batch still proceeded to graduate with honors (with one summa). I would include BS Public Health and BS Medical Technology in this too since they also have relatively more Latin honor graduates than other courses in the health sciences. I'd also put BS Biochemistry and Chemistry here too, since they still garner plenty of cum laudes, though their course is honestly also quite difficult (though they don't have duty, so I wouldn't class it under the next criteria). These are usually the pure science courses, which usually require masters for decent employment opportunities.
C.) A hard course (health course usually) that can completely prepare you for the lifestyle (yes it's a lifestyle) of the health sciences and professions though usually has a toll on one's grades since the subjects are both physically (duty) and mentally (hard) taxing, and there are some rumors about profs deliberately lowering grades (curving down? is there such a word? haha) to discourage their graduates from going to medicine. - BS Nursing is the epitome of this. Graduates have pretty much already worked with doctors at this point, and some of them even chastise interns. Basically anything in the health sciences falls under this. Nursing. Pharmacy. Physical Therapy. I suppose Public Health would fall under this as well, but I separated them since they usually do well enough to proceed with medicine anyway, while people who usually pursue the other courses here usually just stick with their chosen career. BS Molecular Bio and Biotech also falls in here, since I've heard they have a high mortality rate. The ADVANTAGE of these courses however is that you have a definite fall back if you don't proceed to medicine (providing you past your licensure exams mehehe).
The NMAT
What about the NMAT? Honestly, the NMAT is a really easy exam. If you've taken the UPCAT, it's exactly the same, taken four years later. Thus, you would have grown more intellectually, and thus the exam gets easy. I included it in the criteria since I've noticed that some courses do better in the NMAT than others (I think BS Biology excels the most, with only their Social Sciences pulling them down, but other degree like PH, Bio/Chem, and anything science related also garner high scores). Generally, a BS degree should give you all the necessary information you will need to ace the NMAT. It's just a matter of preparing for the exam, and just using your wits (half of it is an IQ test, so I'm sure you'll know how you'll do there). There are plenty of review centers as well, but honestly the best thing to do is just listen in class when the pertinent NMAT subjects are taught to you :)
Fallbacks
As for fall backs. Well, honestly, the best courses for falling back on are the ones with a firm industry. I would say the health sciences are the most secure in terms of job security among the other courses I've mentioned above. The sciences (both pure and social) would usually entail two tracks of careers, academe/research, and industry/corporate. Unfortunately, some degrees lack the latter, such as my own BS Biology degree, making job finding rather difficult if you fail to pursue medicine or other graduate degrees. I'm lucky I found a job at the Mind Museum hahaha. If you have the money to pursue medicine though, this shouldn't be a factor. You should take the last factor into consideration, which is interest in your chosen premed, just in case you start to realize that med isn't really for you after all.
Interest
Interest. Interest. Interest. Basically, you need interest in the course for two reasons. One, you're going to be willing to study the degree and all its components despite having no intention of pursuing it as a career in the future. Two, you wouldn't mind pursuing it if you decide you don't want medicine anymore. Put it into perspective. Your real preparation for your intended career doesn't begin until you're around 20-22. You're just preparing for your preparation during your undergraduate degree. You better fricking like it. So, you choose a course that really intrigues you. I chose BS Biology in 2008 since I loved Biology in high school and since I honestly didn't mind pursuing a research and or academic career if I didn't pursue medicine. Oddly enough that's what happened, but I have no regrets whatsoever, since my job in the Mind Museum looks extremely promising and very rewarding.
So, I can't decide your premed for you. But I can give you a rough guideline on how to choose the ideal premed for you. :) I hope anyone who reads this learns from it :)
Things to remember when applying for the College of Medicine in UP.
The thread in question was written due to one's certain interest in UP's College of Medicine. Thus, here are some pointers that you must take into consideration if you ever plan to pursue this.
1. UP tries to democratize admissions. - What does this mean? It just means that it tries to get as many people from as different backgrounds as possible. Thus they put a quota on the number of Bio students, and try to get in some students from different backgrounds, such as Computer Science, Dev Stud, Fine Arts, etc. Of course, grades and NMAT are the absolute criteria with these courses as well, so if you decide on pursuing these courses, do your best.
2. It's harder for girls to get in. - WHAT!?! That's sexist! Here me out. Girls usually have higher grades than boys. Unfortunately (or fortunately for boys), UP sets a 50-50 cap on the student population. Thus, girls compete among themselves, while guys do the same. As girls have higher grades, that means that the minimum grade to be in a secure spot is higher for them than for boys, making the competition a lot tougher. As for why there's a quote in the first place, no one but the insiders know. Perhaps it's to stop a male drought? Perhaps it's because women tend to get pregnant and stop studying? I don't know.
3. There are 160 slots total. - 40 are automatically allocated to the Intarmed, leaving 120 slots, 60 for each sex. 10 of those in a batch would be MD/PHD students who opted for the 8 year program :)
4. BS Psych usually gets the most applicants - They usually garner around 30 slots per batch. BS Bio UPD gets around 20, while Bio UPM gets around 15 into the college.
5. Some have it lucky. - There are certain slots allocated to the children of UP doctors. They're affectionately called "anak ng diyos". Just keep this in mind.
6. UP has RSA (Return Service Agreement) - You need to serve the Philippines for 2-3 years, within 5 years, before you go and do whatever you want in your life. Haha. Think of it like this. UP is subsidized by the government, so you're technically a government investment. They need to maximize their cash, so you can't blame them for doing this.
7. There are also allocated slots of people from the provinces. - UP Med has something called the Regionalization program, where they get one person from each region to study in the college, and send them back to the provinces to do their return service. If you're from the province, you're lucky. :)
8. Study study study. - Grades are more or less 80% of the criteria used for selecting whether you get into UP. You're gonna need at least a cum laude to get in, and if you're from a school other than UP, you better be a magna or summa. :)
9. Your CV doesn't mean anything. - Unlike ASMPH, which asks you to submit a CV, and UST which requires certification from your different organizations, UP doesn't ask for that. There are only three things they look at, your grades, your NMAT, and your interview. I suppose what you did on your CV will help you on the interview, but aside from that, just study if you really want to get into UP.
10. UP isn't the only med school - There are many others, so if ever you don't get in, there are plenty other ways to serve the people. Patients won't care where you graduated from. And honestly, if you want to get into UP solely because it's UP, then honestly you're not the kind of student that deserves to get into UP. :)
Hope it all helps :)
That would sufficiently answer her question (though honestly I didn't want to go into full details myself in the thread, since I'm a BS Biology major myself, and I might give the impression that I'm labeling BS Psych majors as an "easy" course for getting into UPCM, so I just said "UP Diliman Psych"). Of course, the whole thread caught on quickly, as you know how open minded and "opinionated" UP students are. And honestly, poor child, if I were there I wouldn't know who to listen to. It's not like we all have labels of credibility there. Though frankly, some of the answers there are extremely far fetched. BS Mathematics? BA Social Studies (Area Studies)? Sure, there are cases when one or two people from certain obscure courses get through. But let's be realistic here mates. We want the safest premed when we choose a degree. Something that more or less gives us a direct path to it. Thus, here is a rough criteria for choosing degree programs ideal for pre-medicine:
(1) It prepares you for medicine, providing a background on the sciences that are usually taught in medical schools, such as, but not limited to, the following: Anatomy, Physiology, Biochemistry, Microbiology.
(2) It allows you to get sufficiently HIGH grades for entry into the best medical schools. (You'll need at least cum laude for UP College of Medicine).
(3) It prepares you for the National Medical Admission Test, or NMAT. (90 is the minimum for UP CM. Most applicants have 99 or 99+)
(4) It provides you with a sufficient fallback if ever you fail to pursue medicine for some reason unbeknownst to me at this present time. (You can't just sulk if you don't go to med.)
(5) It interests you. (unless you just want to sleep in your classes all day)
Background and Grades, the premed uncertainty principle
Honestly, for most people (even UP students) no one course suits all of that criteria, with #1 and #2 being extremely difficult to reconcile (The health sciences courses, ideally the courses that prepare you the most for medicine, are notoriously difficult. To put it into perspective, UP Diliman, the flagship campus, had 15 Summa Cum Laudes. Meanwhile, UP Manila, the health sciences campus, only had 2, Paco and Bea, BS Biochemistry and Biology, respectively). I suppose if I were to break up the courses, I'd say there were three kinds of courses. Note: some courses don't fall into these criteria and thus will not be mentioned here. This is pretty much based on the popular premeds of choice.
A.) An "easy" course (I'm using the term lightly since no course is truly easy) that prepares you least for medicine. - I would put BS Psychology, Anthropology, Education here, since you can get a really high GWA with relatively less effort. I would also include courses like Area Studies, Behavioral Sciences and Development Studies (offered in UP Manila) since there is always at least one person from these courses that slips past. Employment is variable, depending on your specialization really, but it's usually corporate.
B.) An intermediate course which gives you a rough idea of what to study during medicine while having the right difficulty to ensure that you can still get high grades as long as you put your back into it. - I would put my own degree, BS Biology, here, since the course is challenging (Curse you Math 17) but many of those in the batch still proceeded to graduate with honors (with one summa). I would include BS Public Health and BS Medical Technology in this too since they also have relatively more Latin honor graduates than other courses in the health sciences. I'd also put BS Biochemistry and Chemistry here too, since they still garner plenty of cum laudes, though their course is honestly also quite difficult (though they don't have duty, so I wouldn't class it under the next criteria). These are usually the pure science courses, which usually require masters for decent employment opportunities.
C.) A hard course (health course usually) that can completely prepare you for the lifestyle (yes it's a lifestyle) of the health sciences and professions though usually has a toll on one's grades since the subjects are both physically (duty) and mentally (hard) taxing, and there are some rumors about profs deliberately lowering grades (curving down? is there such a word? haha) to discourage their graduates from going to medicine. - BS Nursing is the epitome of this. Graduates have pretty much already worked with doctors at this point, and some of them even chastise interns. Basically anything in the health sciences falls under this. Nursing. Pharmacy. Physical Therapy. I suppose Public Health would fall under this as well, but I separated them since they usually do well enough to proceed with medicine anyway, while people who usually pursue the other courses here usually just stick with their chosen career. BS Molecular Bio and Biotech also falls in here, since I've heard they have a high mortality rate. The ADVANTAGE of these courses however is that you have a definite fall back if you don't proceed to medicine (providing you past your licensure exams mehehe).
The NMAT
What about the NMAT? Honestly, the NMAT is a really easy exam. If you've taken the UPCAT, it's exactly the same, taken four years later. Thus, you would have grown more intellectually, and thus the exam gets easy. I included it in the criteria since I've noticed that some courses do better in the NMAT than others (I think BS Biology excels the most, with only their Social Sciences pulling them down, but other degree like PH, Bio/Chem, and anything science related also garner high scores). Generally, a BS degree should give you all the necessary information you will need to ace the NMAT. It's just a matter of preparing for the exam, and just using your wits (half of it is an IQ test, so I'm sure you'll know how you'll do there). There are plenty of review centers as well, but honestly the best thing to do is just listen in class when the pertinent NMAT subjects are taught to you :)
Fallbacks
As for fall backs. Well, honestly, the best courses for falling back on are the ones with a firm industry. I would say the health sciences are the most secure in terms of job security among the other courses I've mentioned above. The sciences (both pure and social) would usually entail two tracks of careers, academe/research, and industry/corporate. Unfortunately, some degrees lack the latter, such as my own BS Biology degree, making job finding rather difficult if you fail to pursue medicine or other graduate degrees. I'm lucky I found a job at the Mind Museum hahaha. If you have the money to pursue medicine though, this shouldn't be a factor. You should take the last factor into consideration, which is interest in your chosen premed, just in case you start to realize that med isn't really for you after all.
Interest
Interest. Interest. Interest. Basically, you need interest in the course for two reasons. One, you're going to be willing to study the degree and all its components despite having no intention of pursuing it as a career in the future. Two, you wouldn't mind pursuing it if you decide you don't want medicine anymore. Put it into perspective. Your real preparation for your intended career doesn't begin until you're around 20-22. You're just preparing for your preparation during your undergraduate degree. You better fricking like it. So, you choose a course that really intrigues you. I chose BS Biology in 2008 since I loved Biology in high school and since I honestly didn't mind pursuing a research and or academic career if I didn't pursue medicine. Oddly enough that's what happened, but I have no regrets whatsoever, since my job in the Mind Museum looks extremely promising and very rewarding.
So, I can't decide your premed for you. But I can give you a rough guideline on how to choose the ideal premed for you. :) I hope anyone who reads this learns from it :)
Things to remember when applying for the College of Medicine in UP.
The thread in question was written due to one's certain interest in UP's College of Medicine. Thus, here are some pointers that you must take into consideration if you ever plan to pursue this.
1. UP tries to democratize admissions. - What does this mean? It just means that it tries to get as many people from as different backgrounds as possible. Thus they put a quota on the number of Bio students, and try to get in some students from different backgrounds, such as Computer Science, Dev Stud, Fine Arts, etc. Of course, grades and NMAT are the absolute criteria with these courses as well, so if you decide on pursuing these courses, do your best.
2. It's harder for girls to get in. - WHAT!?! That's sexist! Here me out. Girls usually have higher grades than boys. Unfortunately (or fortunately for boys), UP sets a 50-50 cap on the student population. Thus, girls compete among themselves, while guys do the same. As girls have higher grades, that means that the minimum grade to be in a secure spot is higher for them than for boys, making the competition a lot tougher. As for why there's a quote in the first place, no one but the insiders know. Perhaps it's to stop a male drought? Perhaps it's because women tend to get pregnant and stop studying? I don't know.
3. There are 160 slots total. - 40 are automatically allocated to the Intarmed, leaving 120 slots, 60 for each sex. 10 of those in a batch would be MD/PHD students who opted for the 8 year program :)
4. BS Psych usually gets the most applicants - They usually garner around 30 slots per batch. BS Bio UPD gets around 20, while Bio UPM gets around 15 into the college.
5. Some have it lucky. - There are certain slots allocated to the children of UP doctors. They're affectionately called "anak ng diyos". Just keep this in mind.
6. UP has RSA (Return Service Agreement) - You need to serve the Philippines for 2-3 years, within 5 years, before you go and do whatever you want in your life. Haha. Think of it like this. UP is subsidized by the government, so you're technically a government investment. They need to maximize their cash, so you can't blame them for doing this.
7. There are also allocated slots of people from the provinces. - UP Med has something called the Regionalization program, where they get one person from each region to study in the college, and send them back to the provinces to do their return service. If you're from the province, you're lucky. :)
8. Study study study. - Grades are more or less 80% of the criteria used for selecting whether you get into UP. You're gonna need at least a cum laude to get in, and if you're from a school other than UP, you better be a magna or summa. :)
9. Your CV doesn't mean anything. - Unlike ASMPH, which asks you to submit a CV, and UST which requires certification from your different organizations, UP doesn't ask for that. There are only three things they look at, your grades, your NMAT, and your interview. I suppose what you did on your CV will help you on the interview, but aside from that, just study if you really want to get into UP.
10. UP isn't the only med school - There are many others, so if ever you don't get in, there are plenty other ways to serve the people. Patients won't care where you graduated from. And honestly, if you want to get into UP solely because it's UP, then honestly you're not the kind of student that deserves to get into UP. :)
Hope it all helps :)
Monday, 20 May 2013
Nothing good happens after 2 AM.
May 21, 00:38. I've been tempted to write
this specific entry for so long now. Excerpts of it has been stored in my phone
for weeks, while other parts have been archived in some blog entries that
I can't be arsed to complete The rest of my thoughts in this entry have
been ruminating in the back of my head for weeks and weeks. So perhaps you
could say that this is a culmination of all the feelings I've been
experiencing since the 15th of April 2013. It's been one hell of a emotional
roller coaster ride for me in all honesty, not only in terms of my feelings for
her but also due to the confounding factors that have been bothering my
life as of late. As of now I'm writing this in a Notepad file (while waiting
for the 8th episode of GoT to finish downloading), if ever this gets uploaded
in the long run, then it means that I've kinda reached my limit and I just
want to make sense of everything.
So where do I
begin. Here's the situation since we last truly left off. I wrote a blog entry
more or less a month ago, entitled "Continuation of Conundrums". I
don't know why I wrote that. It's not usually in my nature to be all mushy
and shit. Perhaps I was panicked? Panicked at the thought of letting this
amazing girl go. Maybe I thought I had a chance? I mean, can you blame me?
Gambler's fallacy, I've had a bad streak, perhaps it would start getting
better. Maybe I was just being an assuming little git, I mean, the few dates we
had were amazing on my end, perhaps I just assumed you
enjoyed my company
as much as I did yours (looking back you probably didn't, I mean how else would
it end up like this). Perhaps I paid attention to too many minor details, like
how we both liked Doctor Who and football, among many others. Basically, I
thought that writing the blog was the right thing to do. I can't really
remember what was going through my mind then now. I think I wrote it as I
usually wrote my blog, as a secret diary meant to be shared to no one but
my closest confidants. No one was supposed to know, it would have been just
mine to read and linger on and laugh about. But then Past Will got caught
up in his emotions, and he sent the URL to her, with no foresight of the
potential consequences. YOLO perhaps? I know she hates that term. Perhaps it
should be PIYOLO. Putang Ina You Only Live Once. And putang ina talaga.
After sharing that link, my hits rose up a hundred fold, and it was clear that
my secret blog was no longer a secret, at least for some people. My outlet. My
diary. Pretty much the hidden, sensitive, vulnerable side of Mr. William
Derek Fidel Rozee, being shared to people I barely, or hell, people I really
didn't even know. Oh the agony on my part. But I let it slide. I really
did. Perhaps she just meant that much to me. Girls are girls, they have to
share these things with their friends, family, cliques, support system, or
whatever you wanna call it. So it was cool. I'm the laughing stock of a
bunch of people I don't even know. But it's all good. You know?
A few days later, the morning prior to
Bionight, we decided to talk things through. She made it clear that she wasn't
looking for the kind of thing that I was insinuating(seemed liked a bad thing
eh haha) in that blog entry. She wasn't looking for anything serious. She
wasn't in that point in her life to settle with someone just yet. Furthermore,
I'm a fresh graduate, who's either going back to Pampanga or perhaps
working somewhere, so it wouldn't work out anyway. I'm a rational guy, honestly
I am. I'm the guy who broke up with my ex so I could focus on orgs and
academics. It isn't pretty, but it makes sense. And when you have a good
argument, I concede, since that's what people should do. Honestly, I saw where
she was coming from. So we agreed to be just friends. Somehow I got pushed
into the friendzone, but whatever. Perhaps a small part of me still had that
glimmer of hope that somehow it would work out some time? Maybe, I dunno.
Anyway, honestly I was hurt, but I was more than happy to stay as friends,
as long as I had her in my life somehow. Let me just put it like this, this
girl is AMAZING. I was happy and grateful in knowing that someone that amazing
could even exist. If miracles were true, she was the embodiment, cause I swear
she has it all. And anyway, I would have been perfectly happy just being
friends with her. Honestly, just knowing her is an honor for me. Creepy I
know, but that's how much I hold her in esteem. (If you read this you better be
flattered :P)
Days went by, we
didn't talk much, it's understood, it's summer break, she's in Batangas and
she's caught up with friends, video games, whatever, especially since she
doesn't really text much. Then the day came. April 15, 2013. My birthday.
Quite frankly, I never really cared much for my birthday. The day was just
supposed to be an uneventful day. Just sorting out my paperwork for grad school
or work, and perhaps drinking with friends right after. Eventually I ended up
at Beach House in La Salle with Boli, Lolay, and some professors. It was fun,
we had donuts, we had booze, the stories were fun, it was turning out to
be an ok day after all. At 19:43, and honestly after quite a few pitchers, I
get a text message like this.
"Happy
birthday pogiiiii. Haha joke lang. - jmlm <3 <3 <3 "if you're
happy and you know clap you're hands!" "happy birtday to you are the
one who makes me happy birthday to you are the one who makes me happy
birthday to you...""
How the hell was I
supposed to interpret that? This was drunk Will reading mind you, and he was
all giddy and shit particularly since he was feeling the GV vibes from his
birthday. The conversation was odd, I won't go deep into it here, but it
reached a point when she was asking me to go there. Being the silly hopeless
drunk romantic that I am, I left my friends and my birthday celebration,
and went straight to her condo.
She opened the
door and gave me a look that pretty much said "what the fuck are you doing
here at this time of night?". Well, perhaps it was just drunk Will
thinking that. I dunno. Basically though she wasn't expecting me there. I
sensed some foul play involved. I asked her directly, "Have you been using
your phone for the past hour or so?" and she said no. Boom. My world
shattered right there and then. I felt like I was flushing in the face out
of sheer shame and embarrassment. I felt like such a total fool. That was the
most embarrassing moment in my entire life bar none. That, coupled with
the alcohol, probably made me mad as well. I mean who the hell wants to be
trolled? Made a total fool? About something like that? On their birthday? I
mean for God's sake, I was in the process of moving on. Then some friends
just decided to mess me up and keep me wishing for something. I left my dearest
college friends and my birthday celebration for nothing but false hopes
and utter humiliation. I told her straight (and honestly bluntly) that
someone's been messing with me and it was an awful time to do that, since I was
drunk and it just isn't the right day to prank someone that bad. I left
what I brought her and just went home, finishing my fresh pack of Luckies as I
walked all the way back to my apartment. Looking back, I feel sorry about my
bluntness and anger then. But honestly, can you blame me?
We didn't talk for
a couple of days. Eventually I couldn't take it and I asked her through SMS if
we could talk. We texted and it seemed like we were in good terms. I guess it seemed
like we could be friends again after that. Days passed. I tried
communicating a few times. One time she did reply and eventually that trailed
off into nothing once again. I kept myself occupied by trying to look for
jobs in Manila. I saw her a few times around campus when I needed to sort
out paperwork, but I dunno if it was me just being paranoid or if my hunch is
true, but I couldn't help but feel that she was trying to get me off her
back. I know she doesn't text often, I've noticed that, but sometimes I can't
help but get the feeling that she wants nothing to do with me now. I'm just a
friend, I understand that. I have no right place to demand for attention
or a place in your life. But I dunno, friends should talk somehow,
shouldn't they? Sometimes I think it's just one way. Perhaps I'm just
ephemeral, someone who's just supposed to be there for a short time and
then poof, vanish. I know you prefer personal contact over texting or Facebook
but I can't just show up at your condo and say hi, can I? It just doesn't
make sense to me. You used to be so warm, and now you're just so....cold. Did I
do anything wrong? Was it something I said? Perhaps it's my twitter account and
all the drama shit, though honestly I just rant about love life for a
laugh. Or perhaps you just treat all your friends this way. Or perhaps you just
don't want me around. If you don't, I understand. Just please, please tell
me straight. I just want to know your side.
As for love life. Haha.
She set the bar too high for me, honestly. Right now I'm not even looking
anymore. I don't really need it in this point of my life. I have bigger shit to
worry about. For starters I need to find a job. Manila. Pampanga. Wherever. I
need to start saving up for med school since I don't want to put this off any
longer. Perhaps work will keep me occupied somehow. Cause honestly, just being
stuck here with my thoughts, my fags and my booze is driving me crazy.
At times I believe
this is just bad karma for the girls that I hurt in the past. If ever it is, I
now know how it feels and God I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I hate the
anguish I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks. It’s unbearable. I broke down
at Kyle’s grad party because honestly it’s just been too heavy to carry this
cross. Perhaps somehow, things will get better. As for everyone I hurt in the
past, no words can describe how sorry I am, and I’ll never hurt anyone ever
again. FML.
Fuck it, it's 3:15. This is going on my
blog. Night.
Tuesday, 14 May 2013
Beauty
This Beauty is first of all eternal; it neither comes into being nor passes away; neither waxes nor wanes; next it is not beautiful in part and ugly in part, nor beautiful at one time and ugly at another, nor beautiful in this relation and ugly in that, nor beautiful here and ugly there, as varying according to its beholders; nor again will this beauty appear to the imagination like the beauty of a face or hands or anything else corporeal, or like the beauty of a thought or science, or like beauty which has its seat in something other than itself, be it in a living thing or the earth or the sky or anything else whatsoever; he will see it as absolute, existing alone within itself, unique, eternal.
- Diotima of Mantinea, Plato's Symposium
Thursday, 9 May 2013
Stop This Train
No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train
Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train
So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train
See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.
Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train
Tuesday, 7 May 2013
Monday, 6 May 2013
Chagrin.
When I first entered UP, I had a really good friend. We were close throughout first year. In second year, we became lab partners in Bio 102. Unfortunately, that was the semester when my life, for a lack of a better term, fucked up. Council was taking its toll on my body. My changing financial status was screwing with me. I was depressed as anyone could be. Because of this, I kinda got side-tracked on my academics, including my bio 102 class. Sometimes, I'd have to come from Pampanga to sort out the paperwork I needed for my STFAP rebracketing (without which I would be unable to continue studying at the university). I'd be late for my 7 AM 102 Lab class. I know I was at fault and I've apologized profusely for my mishaps during that class.
So must you really bring it up every time we get together? This was nearly three years ago! For fuck's sake man grow some fucking balls, you're acting like a pussy who can't settle a fricking grudge. I've wronged you, I've acknowledged that. I had my reasons for screwing up so bad, and any decent, logical person would acknowledge all sides, forgive and forget. So why bring it up? Lay it to rest already, please.
You know why I'm so hesitant to take the job offer at UP? It's because your constant shots at me during and ever since that class has fucked up my confidence to teach that subject! Because of your immaturity, or perhaps your so called "fun and games" (cause face it, people do love schadenfreude), I don't feel like I have the capacity to be able to teach that subject with justice. It's really gotten to me. I dunno what to do with my life now. Arse.
We're still good friends, don't get me wrong. But this is one pet peeve that you can't seem to lay to rest, so why should I?
So must you really bring it up every time we get together? This was nearly three years ago! For fuck's sake man grow some fucking balls, you're acting like a pussy who can't settle a fricking grudge. I've wronged you, I've acknowledged that. I had my reasons for screwing up so bad, and any decent, logical person would acknowledge all sides, forgive and forget. So why bring it up? Lay it to rest already, please.
You know why I'm so hesitant to take the job offer at UP? It's because your constant shots at me during and ever since that class has fucked up my confidence to teach that subject! Because of your immaturity, or perhaps your so called "fun and games" (cause face it, people do love schadenfreude), I don't feel like I have the capacity to be able to teach that subject with justice. It's really gotten to me. I dunno what to do with my life now. Arse.
We're still good friends, don't get me wrong. But this is one pet peeve that you can't seem to lay to rest, so why should I?
Misery
I'm in extreme agony and confusion as I write this blog entry. Tears are literally dripping down my eyes. I don't know where I'm going and I lack any direction whatsoever in my life. I just want to go to med school so bad but my circumstances prevent me from doing such. Oh how I wish money grew from trees.
I just talked to my mother. The pressure she's putting on me to get a job is reaching a point of intolerance on my part. I'm a fucking fresh grad, do you expect me to find a job instantly? I keep getting all guilty and shit from all the shit going on in my life. Life's just so unfair. I envy and partly despise those who were born with silver spoons in their mouths, those who have nothing to worry about. Those who can delay their onset into the real world for 5-10 years past their date of undergraduate commencement. Those who don't have to worry about getting their TIN #s and paying their bills and making ends meet. Or those who need not worry about these things just yet since they're too busy "studying for their board exams". Pft.
I hate how my financial status fucked up when I went to college. I hate how "Great Britain" just cut me off and said "sod off, you're old enough to make money, go dig a fucking hole, you stupid git" and stopped financial support for me and my family RIGHT WHEN I NEEDED IT MOST. I hate how my father had a stupid smoking and coffee habit, which caused him to snuff it right when I needed a father figure.
Worst thing about it all? I hate how I'm stuck with no one to talk to about it, since no one really ever understands me. No one ever gets me. Mum doesn't get my turmoil, how painful it is to give up these dreams. My college friends don't know my agony, not realizing how much of a hell my life is everyday, carrying the family while they all just go off to their own respective med schools. My high school friends shrug off my misery, laughing it off as though the smart, TOSSA valedictorian is infallible and shit. Fuck you. Fuck it. Fuck. It. I'm so lonely. You think I drink all this time cause I'm happy? Arse. I drink cause I'm miserable. I feel like something's eating inside at me every single day, and I just drink it off, hoping the ethanol can kill it and kill it quickly. Waking up is a chore. If only I could just sleep. Sleep, and dream. Dream, and dream lucidly. Or if only I had someone to talk to. Just one person that could understand where I'm coming from, someone who may not share my situation but at least empathize with how I'm feeling. Or at least someone who cared about me. Cause it sucks. It really sucks. And I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I wish there was a God. God knows I need Him right now. Fucker. What am I doing with my life...
I just talked to my mother. The pressure she's putting on me to get a job is reaching a point of intolerance on my part. I'm a fucking fresh grad, do you expect me to find a job instantly? I keep getting all guilty and shit from all the shit going on in my life. Life's just so unfair. I envy and partly despise those who were born with silver spoons in their mouths, those who have nothing to worry about. Those who can delay their onset into the real world for 5-10 years past their date of undergraduate commencement. Those who don't have to worry about getting their TIN #s and paying their bills and making ends meet. Or those who need not worry about these things just yet since they're too busy "studying for their board exams". Pft.
I hate how my financial status fucked up when I went to college. I hate how "Great Britain" just cut me off and said "sod off, you're old enough to make money, go dig a fucking hole, you stupid git" and stopped financial support for me and my family RIGHT WHEN I NEEDED IT MOST. I hate how my father had a stupid smoking and coffee habit, which caused him to snuff it right when I needed a father figure.
Worst thing about it all? I hate how I'm stuck with no one to talk to about it, since no one really ever understands me. No one ever gets me. Mum doesn't get my turmoil, how painful it is to give up these dreams. My college friends don't know my agony, not realizing how much of a hell my life is everyday, carrying the family while they all just go off to their own respective med schools. My high school friends shrug off my misery, laughing it off as though the smart, TOSSA valedictorian is infallible and shit. Fuck you. Fuck it. Fuck. It. I'm so lonely. You think I drink all this time cause I'm happy? Arse. I drink cause I'm miserable. I feel like something's eating inside at me every single day, and I just drink it off, hoping the ethanol can kill it and kill it quickly. Waking up is a chore. If only I could just sleep. Sleep, and dream. Dream, and dream lucidly. Or if only I had someone to talk to. Just one person that could understand where I'm coming from, someone who may not share my situation but at least empathize with how I'm feeling. Or at least someone who cared about me. Cause it sucks. It really sucks. And I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I wish there was a God. God knows I need Him right now. Fucker. What am I doing with my life...
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Sunday, 7 April 2013
My Stupid Mouth
My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change
Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said, "Think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one soon
We bit our lips
She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess with the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly
An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good, what just slipped out and what went wrong
Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said, "Think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
Just wanna be liked
Just wanna be funny
Looks like the joke's on me
So call me "Captain Backfire"
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me
Oh, I'm never speaking up again
I'm never speaking up again
I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
Starting now
- My Stupid Mouth, John Mayer, Room for Squares
OK, perhaps the song doesn't fully share my sentiments. But right now I'm at a loss since I shared it. I have no clue what's going on now. =)))) Hahaha. Me and my big mouth. Oh well, we'll see what happens now, whatever that maybe. :)
PS: To the lovely ladies of Lipa, hello hello and thank you for reading my blog :P :)))
Saturday, 6 April 2013
...
In my life
She has burst like the music of angels
The light of the sun
And my life seems to stop
As if something is over
And something has scarcely begun.
She has burst like the music of angels
The light of the sun
And my life seems to stop
As if something is over
And something has scarcely begun.
Continuation of Conundrums (Dedicated to Miss JMLM)
April 6, 10 PM. As I write this blog entry (which I haven't been able to update until now haha), I'm caught up with a myriad of emotions over a variety of events and happenings (Listening to The Script doesn't help honestly haha). Thesis is bringing me anxiety, both good and bad, as I'm finally reaching the culmination of my undergraduate years, yet I'm also worried about the off chance of somehow failing to complete my last requirements and being forced to graduate at the end of the summer, instead of the end of the semester.
Graduation on its own has its share of emotions, as the thought of attaining my bachelor's degree gives me such a sense of fulfillment. A sense of fulfillment that I have never experienced, considering how much blood, sweat and tears (literally, if I may add) has been put into these past four years at UP and in Biology in particular. It's also melancholic, since I'll be leaving my second home, the University of the Philippines Manila. A home that I have grown to love oh so deeply, and a home that has truly defined who I am, what I can be, and will be in the future once I step out of those gates with the Sablay slung around my shoulders. In particular, I'll miss my second family. My block mates, the Department of Biology, my org mates, and all the friends that I have gained (and lost) throughout this roller coaster of four years. I'll truly miss you, and suffice to say I'll miss you more than anything else in this world (excluding family and close Pampanga friends). If blood is thicker than water, what more blood, sweat and tears, right? :)
One other thing that's been on my mind is the concept of "what comes next after UP?". Failing to pass UP Med has meant that I'd be unable to fund my education for med school without the aid of scholarships. As a non-voter (fucking dual citizenship red tape), I'd fail to qualify for Category I in PLM's College of Medicine, which means I'd have to pay 60k per semester, which is too steep for me. UERM's scholarships would only be around 50% (around 60k per sem as well) and that would be pushing it already since I'm not Latin honors. ASMPH was my last option, but as I haven't been updated by Mr. Chris Peabody after the supposed deadline, I'm assuming that that opportunity has gone and passed me by.
This all means one thing, I'm not going to med school for another year. This thought really tears me up. Let's start with the positives. I'll be able to save up money in the future to proceed to a med school without the need for scholarships, which shall be useful since the guarantee of a scholarship isn't always 100%. Plus maintaining a scholarship is rather difficult and extremely pressuring, which may distract me from my potential growth as a person and as a medical student. Another good thing about it is that I'll be able to alleviate the pressure of my mother since I'll be supporting myself now, paying for my own bills, buying my own food and renting out my own place. Thus, my mother can save up money for her own expenses (particularly her myoma operation) and perhaps even start supporting my grandfather with his expenses as well. The last positive is that being independent and on my own should instill a greater sense of maturity in me as a person, preparing me for the long trek of med school or perhaps (touch wood) showing me that med school isn't the only path after all (I'm still in a crossroads at this point).
Now for the cons of delaying med school. For starters, the problem is in itself. I'm delaying med school. I'm putting my dream on the side to be able to make money. I'm stalling. I'm segueing. I'm not pursuing my dreams directly. I'm the kind of person who goes for what I want when I really want it, and medicine in a top school is really what I aspire for in life, so the fact that I can't go there and I can't do anything immediate to do something about it makes me feel so extremely helpless. And helplessness just eats me up. I hate just leaving things up to destiny, or for some people, "God". I honestly want to go out and do something about it. Working is my solution, but it'll take a year or so to make up for it. So I feel like I'm in a rut. Another factor for me is that my age and family might eventually prevent me from ever pursuing medicine in the future. I'm turning 21 in a few days, I'm still young but this won't last forever. What if I save up for two years to go to medicine? Mum will be getting old as well by then, and eventually time will catch up with the both of us. I might have to resort to supporting the family full time as the soon to be breadwinner, and this might lead me to halt any plans of pursuing medicine. :(
Honestly, the pros outweigh the cons by a mile, and any rational person can see that (even I see it). But emotions aren't rational. Reason doesn't cure the hurt immediately. Reprimanding a person to move his arse won't either (contrary to what my lovely thesis partner thinks). In that sense, the thought of not pursuing my dreams directly, despite the overwhelming evidence for its benefits, really devastates me. It tears me up to see my friends going on to med schools, while I stay here, making no progress in the five more years of med school that I still need to finish before I can put those two proud letters near my name. It tears me up that I'm putting my dreams on a shelf, forcing to go to a job that I don't really want (teaching English? I'm not even an English major OR a teacher) just to get some financial security. And it tears me up that I'm going back to Pampanga, which is my first home, but not where I truly grew up in as a person and as a soon to be adult (as opposed to these 4 years of painful, yet beautiful bliss).
And because of that last factor, there's now a new variable that eats me up inside. And it's because of this variable, this person, that I write this excruciatingly long blog entry. I'll refer to her by a code name, JMLM, or J, for short. This last factor, JMLM, has been the most prominent and recurring thought on my mind for the past few weeks. And J has been the most vivid thought and memory of the ruminations that I've been doing all day today. She hasn't escaped my thoughts for a single moment, hell ask Francis Brugger, she was all I could talk about when I met up with him today.
Let's start things from the top. I met J when she was an incoming freshie in 2010. I was a block coordinator, so I facilitated and assisted their first hectic enrollment into UP. She stood out for me more than anyone I saw during the whole enrollment period. Perhaps it was her English (it's such a turn on for me when someone speaks excellent English). Perhaps it was her beauty (Beautiful. Gorgeous. Pretty. Stunning. She's so my type, particularly then with her long flowing hair, her cute eyes, her amazing smile and her fair complexion). Or perhaps it was her charisma (she came from a prominent private high school and she exudes it when you see her). I dunno what it was, a certain je ne sais quoi about her that really took my fancy. Eventually I saw her on Facebook and added her up. I tried chatting her up a bit and stuff, but since past Will was a completely immature idiot who couldn't hold his tongue, I rubbed off badly and honestly I felt like I put her off (despite my amazingly good looks HAHAHA jk). Nevertheless, I remained cordial, and tried to be friendly, saying hi when I saw her throughout the university. She has always left her mark though, and despite going through relationships and other "flings" in UP she's always stood out for me.
Eventually, a few weeks prior to the end of my last semester in UP (March 23), I saw her online. As a friendly gesture, and perhaps since I was sabaw and needed someone to talk to, I decided to message her. What started as small talk eventually became the most fulfilling conversation with a girl in my entire life. I got to know her personally, and I found out we had so many things in common. Video games, movies, comics, TV shows, perspectives in life, and everything else I could ever want in a girl. Not to mention the most important thing I ever look for in a girl, someone who's so easy to talk to about anything under the sun. To quote the song, and we talked about, "where have you been all my l-a-ah-ah-ah-ife?". This conversation went on til around 3 in the morning, and it wasn't the last time that happened.
Eventually, J and I had lunch, and though it was brief, it was one of the best lunches I've had (food was ok, but my company was lovely, in all ways). Since then, she's all I could think about (even with academics going on left, right and center). Her company is calming, I forget everything and everyone when I'm with her. Her presence is like a drug that calms me down when she's with me, and makes me withdrawn when she's gone. Her smile puts the moon and sun to shame. Her eyes make my heart rush AND melt at the same time, as if that was even possible. I feel like I've felt the sun for the first time when I'm with her. Thoughts of her bring a smile to my face. It's been years since I've met someone whose made me feel this way. :)
We hanged out again yesterday (I'd call it a date by my definition but whatever xD) and we just did the craziest stuff, including a tour around the FMAB, mocking the anatomically incorrect education guides (oh the weird amusements of a health/science major) and laughing at our mediocre Filipino skills by translating (and failing most of the time) basic English words into Filipino. I even took her to her party, and it's funny that my friend Jo is now teasing me about her hahaha. (labo mo Jo, nakwento pa kasi si Io eh xD). It was an amazing day for me, and I hope she had at least half the fun I had. :)
Which brings me to my last dilemma of my ruminations. I'm graduating now. I'm leaving UP. Right when I'm about to leave I finally "meet" the most amazing girl ever. Someone who has the whole package for me. Smarts, looks, friendliness, an open mind, things in commons, the works. Bakit ngayoooon ka lang, dumatiiiing sa buhay koooo? Never in my life have I wanted to get to know and be with someone more than this. I've had my fair share of regrets over lost opportunities and I've made wrong decisions over things which have haunted me for years after choosing the wrong path. I will do everything I can to ensure that this will not happen again, and I feel most strongly about it in this sense (the J sense) than any other opportunity that has happened to me in the past. So I do want to give this a shot.
She's a kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry; Still, you don't regret a single day.- Girl, The Beatles, Rubber Soul
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time. - For the First Time, The Script, Science and Faith
I want to date some more beyond the end of my school life. I want to take her to other places like Nat Museum or Ayala Museum (J loves art, and it's part of her list). I don't want a potentially awesome opportunity to slip me (or us) by. I want something to happen, and I want it to work, and though it may sound illogical and impractical considering that I'm graduating, I'm willing to do anything just to do my part to make it work. J is that special, that I'd travel back from Pampanga to Manila or Batangas regularly (as often as it takes) just to see her if I must. I'll even keep my slot in the dorm just so that I'd have a place to crash when I come over (once I start making money that is haha).
At times I worry that I might look like I'm overdoing it or that perhaps I'm getting over my head (perhaps she thinks that, I dunno), considering how quick things have been, but she really is that special, and I wouldn't want to let her get away without me putting up a fight. It bothers me that I have such a short time to get to know her even better. I have no school left whatsoever for at least another year, and thus I won't have the regularity or the proximity that would be advantageous for this situation. But if someone is truly worth it, a person should be willing to go the extra mile, or two miles (or one hundred kilometers in my case) just for that person.
Cause I will take it on the chin, for you. So lay your cuts and bruises over my skin.I promise you won't feel a thing. Cause everything the world could throw. I'll stand in front. I'll take the blow for you. For you.
- You Won't Feel a Thing, The Script, Science and Faith
But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.
- I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles), The Proclaimers, Sunshine on Leith
Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you, tonight.
- A Thousand Miles, Vanessa Carlton, Be Not Nobody
I know it'll be hassle for me, and even for her if it ever pushes through. But J is worth it, she truly is, absolutely worth it. And if something's worth it, you should give it a shot, yes? Though long distance is difficult, and this is coming from experience, I'll do everything I can to ensure it can work out. It's a hard path, but smooth seas don't make strong soldiers, and for me, and hopefully for her, it'll pay off in the end. :) And I hope to prove myself so that in the end even she will say "it was worth it". :)
Two roads diverged in a wood, I took the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference. - Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken.
I'm willing to take the road less travelled by. The longer route (I'm more than willing to take things slow if it seems too fast. I'm in no rush, though it does seem like that is the case at times, and I do apologize for that. Commitment can wait, we're young after all, all I'm hoping for at the moment is consent for courtship or something, or at least more chances to date so that we can get to know each other even more. And who knows, I might be back in Manila in a year, we might end up going to med at the same time) and the harder route (mainly for me, the long distance, but it's all good as long as it's for her). But in the end I think it'll be for the better, and here's hoping, the best route. :)
I hope somehow, somewhere, she feels the same, even just a little bit. :)
Which leaves me to one question: Will you give me a chance, J? :)
PS: I've finished my last pack of Marlboro's tonight. I have no intention of buying packs again. Just for her. :)
Graduation on its own has its share of emotions, as the thought of attaining my bachelor's degree gives me such a sense of fulfillment. A sense of fulfillment that I have never experienced, considering how much blood, sweat and tears (literally, if I may add) has been put into these past four years at UP and in Biology in particular. It's also melancholic, since I'll be leaving my second home, the University of the Philippines Manila. A home that I have grown to love oh so deeply, and a home that has truly defined who I am, what I can be, and will be in the future once I step out of those gates with the Sablay slung around my shoulders. In particular, I'll miss my second family. My block mates, the Department of Biology, my org mates, and all the friends that I have gained (and lost) throughout this roller coaster of four years. I'll truly miss you, and suffice to say I'll miss you more than anything else in this world (excluding family and close Pampanga friends). If blood is thicker than water, what more blood, sweat and tears, right? :)
One other thing that's been on my mind is the concept of "what comes next after UP?". Failing to pass UP Med has meant that I'd be unable to fund my education for med school without the aid of scholarships. As a non-voter (fucking dual citizenship red tape), I'd fail to qualify for Category I in PLM's College of Medicine, which means I'd have to pay 60k per semester, which is too steep for me. UERM's scholarships would only be around 50% (around 60k per sem as well) and that would be pushing it already since I'm not Latin honors. ASMPH was my last option, but as I haven't been updated by Mr. Chris Peabody after the supposed deadline, I'm assuming that that opportunity has gone and passed me by.
This all means one thing, I'm not going to med school for another year. This thought really tears me up. Let's start with the positives. I'll be able to save up money in the future to proceed to a med school without the need for scholarships, which shall be useful since the guarantee of a scholarship isn't always 100%. Plus maintaining a scholarship is rather difficult and extremely pressuring, which may distract me from my potential growth as a person and as a medical student. Another good thing about it is that I'll be able to alleviate the pressure of my mother since I'll be supporting myself now, paying for my own bills, buying my own food and renting out my own place. Thus, my mother can save up money for her own expenses (particularly her myoma operation) and perhaps even start supporting my grandfather with his expenses as well. The last positive is that being independent and on my own should instill a greater sense of maturity in me as a person, preparing me for the long trek of med school or perhaps (touch wood) showing me that med school isn't the only path after all (I'm still in a crossroads at this point).
Now for the cons of delaying med school. For starters, the problem is in itself. I'm delaying med school. I'm putting my dream on the side to be able to make money. I'm stalling. I'm segueing. I'm not pursuing my dreams directly. I'm the kind of person who goes for what I want when I really want it, and medicine in a top school is really what I aspire for in life, so the fact that I can't go there and I can't do anything immediate to do something about it makes me feel so extremely helpless. And helplessness just eats me up. I hate just leaving things up to destiny, or for some people, "God". I honestly want to go out and do something about it. Working is my solution, but it'll take a year or so to make up for it. So I feel like I'm in a rut. Another factor for me is that my age and family might eventually prevent me from ever pursuing medicine in the future. I'm turning 21 in a few days, I'm still young but this won't last forever. What if I save up for two years to go to medicine? Mum will be getting old as well by then, and eventually time will catch up with the both of us. I might have to resort to supporting the family full time as the soon to be breadwinner, and this might lead me to halt any plans of pursuing medicine. :(
Honestly, the pros outweigh the cons by a mile, and any rational person can see that (even I see it). But emotions aren't rational. Reason doesn't cure the hurt immediately. Reprimanding a person to move his arse won't either (contrary to what my lovely thesis partner thinks). In that sense, the thought of not pursuing my dreams directly, despite the overwhelming evidence for its benefits, really devastates me. It tears me up to see my friends going on to med schools, while I stay here, making no progress in the five more years of med school that I still need to finish before I can put those two proud letters near my name. It tears me up that I'm putting my dreams on a shelf, forcing to go to a job that I don't really want (teaching English? I'm not even an English major OR a teacher) just to get some financial security. And it tears me up that I'm going back to Pampanga, which is my first home, but not where I truly grew up in as a person and as a soon to be adult (as opposed to these 4 years of painful, yet beautiful bliss).
And because of that last factor, there's now a new variable that eats me up inside. And it's because of this variable, this person, that I write this excruciatingly long blog entry. I'll refer to her by a code name, JMLM, or J, for short. This last factor, JMLM, has been the most prominent and recurring thought on my mind for the past few weeks. And J has been the most vivid thought and memory of the ruminations that I've been doing all day today. She hasn't escaped my thoughts for a single moment, hell ask Francis Brugger, she was all I could talk about when I met up with him today.
Let's start things from the top. I met J when she was an incoming freshie in 2010. I was a block coordinator, so I facilitated and assisted their first hectic enrollment into UP. She stood out for me more than anyone I saw during the whole enrollment period. Perhaps it was her English (it's such a turn on for me when someone speaks excellent English). Perhaps it was her beauty (Beautiful. Gorgeous. Pretty. Stunning. She's so my type, particularly then with her long flowing hair, her cute eyes, her amazing smile and her fair complexion). Or perhaps it was her charisma (she came from a prominent private high school and she exudes it when you see her). I dunno what it was, a certain je ne sais quoi about her that really took my fancy. Eventually I saw her on Facebook and added her up. I tried chatting her up a bit and stuff, but since past Will was a completely immature idiot who couldn't hold his tongue, I rubbed off badly and honestly I felt like I put her off (despite my amazingly good looks HAHAHA jk). Nevertheless, I remained cordial, and tried to be friendly, saying hi when I saw her throughout the university. She has always left her mark though, and despite going through relationships and other "flings" in UP she's always stood out for me.
Eventually, a few weeks prior to the end of my last semester in UP (March 23), I saw her online. As a friendly gesture, and perhaps since I was sabaw and needed someone to talk to, I decided to message her. What started as small talk eventually became the most fulfilling conversation with a girl in my entire life. I got to know her personally, and I found out we had so many things in common. Video games, movies, comics, TV shows, perspectives in life, and everything else I could ever want in a girl. Not to mention the most important thing I ever look for in a girl, someone who's so easy to talk to about anything under the sun. To quote the song, and we talked about, "where have you been all my l-a-ah-ah-ah-ife?". This conversation went on til around 3 in the morning, and it wasn't the last time that happened.
Eventually, J and I had lunch, and though it was brief, it was one of the best lunches I've had (food was ok, but my company was lovely, in all ways). Since then, she's all I could think about (even with academics going on left, right and center). Her company is calming, I forget everything and everyone when I'm with her. Her presence is like a drug that calms me down when she's with me, and makes me withdrawn when she's gone. Her smile puts the moon and sun to shame. Her eyes make my heart rush AND melt at the same time, as if that was even possible. I feel like I've felt the sun for the first time when I'm with her. Thoughts of her bring a smile to my face. It's been years since I've met someone whose made me feel this way. :)
We hanged out again yesterday (I'd call it a date by my definition but whatever xD) and we just did the craziest stuff, including a tour around the FMAB, mocking the anatomically incorrect education guides (oh the weird amusements of a health/science major) and laughing at our mediocre Filipino skills by translating (and failing most of the time) basic English words into Filipino. I even took her to her party, and it's funny that my friend Jo is now teasing me about her hahaha. (labo mo Jo, nakwento pa kasi si Io eh xD). It was an amazing day for me, and I hope she had at least half the fun I had. :)
Which brings me to my last dilemma of my ruminations. I'm graduating now. I'm leaving UP. Right when I'm about to leave I finally "meet" the most amazing girl ever. Someone who has the whole package for me. Smarts, looks, friendliness, an open mind, things in commons, the works. Bakit ngayoooon ka lang, dumatiiiing sa buhay koooo? Never in my life have I wanted to get to know and be with someone more than this. I've had my fair share of regrets over lost opportunities and I've made wrong decisions over things which have haunted me for years after choosing the wrong path. I will do everything I can to ensure that this will not happen again, and I feel most strongly about it in this sense (the J sense) than any other opportunity that has happened to me in the past. So I do want to give this a shot.
She's a kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry; Still, you don't regret a single day.- Girl, The Beatles, Rubber Soul
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time. - For the First Time, The Script, Science and Faith
I want to date some more beyond the end of my school life. I want to take her to other places like Nat Museum or Ayala Museum (J loves art, and it's part of her list). I don't want a potentially awesome opportunity to slip me (or us) by. I want something to happen, and I want it to work, and though it may sound illogical and impractical considering that I'm graduating, I'm willing to do anything just to do my part to make it work. J is that special, that I'd travel back from Pampanga to Manila or Batangas regularly (as often as it takes) just to see her if I must. I'll even keep my slot in the dorm just so that I'd have a place to crash when I come over (once I start making money that is haha).
At times I worry that I might look like I'm overdoing it or that perhaps I'm getting over my head (perhaps she thinks that, I dunno), considering how quick things have been, but she really is that special, and I wouldn't want to let her get away without me putting up a fight. It bothers me that I have such a short time to get to know her even better. I have no school left whatsoever for at least another year, and thus I won't have the regularity or the proximity that would be advantageous for this situation. But if someone is truly worth it, a person should be willing to go the extra mile, or two miles (or one hundred kilometers in my case) just for that person.
Cause I will take it on the chin, for you. So lay your cuts and bruises over my skin.I promise you won't feel a thing. Cause everything the world could throw. I'll stand in front. I'll take the blow for you. For you.
- You Won't Feel a Thing, The Script, Science and Faith
But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.
- I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles), The Proclaimers, Sunshine on Leith
Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you, tonight.
- A Thousand Miles, Vanessa Carlton, Be Not Nobody
I know it'll be hassle for me, and even for her if it ever pushes through. But J is worth it, she truly is, absolutely worth it. And if something's worth it, you should give it a shot, yes? Though long distance is difficult, and this is coming from experience, I'll do everything I can to ensure it can work out. It's a hard path, but smooth seas don't make strong soldiers, and for me, and hopefully for her, it'll pay off in the end. :) And I hope to prove myself so that in the end even she will say "it was worth it". :)
Two roads diverged in a wood, I took the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference. - Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken.
I'm willing to take the road less travelled by. The longer route (I'm more than willing to take things slow if it seems too fast. I'm in no rush, though it does seem like that is the case at times, and I do apologize for that. Commitment can wait, we're young after all, all I'm hoping for at the moment is consent for courtship or something, or at least more chances to date so that we can get to know each other even more. And who knows, I might be back in Manila in a year, we might end up going to med at the same time) and the harder route (mainly for me, the long distance, but it's all good as long as it's for her). But in the end I think it'll be for the better, and here's hoping, the best route. :)
I hope somehow, somewhere, she feels the same, even just a little bit. :)
Which leaves me to one question: Will you give me a chance, J? :)
PS: I've finished my last pack of Marlboro's tonight. I have no intention of buying packs again. Just for her. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)